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00:00:00
Welcome. I'm [cheering] Jimmy. I AM THE00:00:01
HOST OF THE SHOW. Thank you for00:00:03
watching. Thank you for joining us here00:00:05
in [cheering] sunny Los Angeles,00:00:08
California on Thanksgiving week. I I00:00:10
want to wish each and every one of you,00:00:11
even the haters and losers, a very happy00:00:14
Thanksgiving. And I will say this year,00:00:16
I am thankful most thankful that we only00:00:18
have five weeks left in this year.00:00:21
>> What are you most thankful for this00:00:23
year, GMO?00:00:24
>> Oh, for my family, for have a job and00:00:27
working with you guys. How nice. for the00:00:28
best man in late night TV right here.00:00:30
[cheering]00:00:34
[applause]00:00:36
>> Yeah. >> This is how Trump feels at every00:00:38
meeting.00:00:39
Are you guys having chicken instead of00:00:41
turkey again this year?00:00:42
>> Every year you Yes.00:00:43
>> You know what? You're a man of00:00:44
principle. I admire that. The White00:00:46
House is ready for Thanksgiving. The00:00:48
presidential ketchup boat is filled to00:00:50
the brim and ready to go. This morning00:00:53
on the freshly paved over Rose Garden,00:00:55
our commander-in-chief presided over an00:00:58
important American tradition, the annual00:00:59
pardon of the turkeys, which at this00:01:01
point are the only thing Trump hasn't00:01:03
pardoned this year. These are the birds00:01:06
that were spared. Their names are gobble00:01:08
and waddle, which is what Trump does00:01:11
every night at dinner. Gobble00:01:14
and Waddle. Thank you. Goblin and00:01:16
Waddles spent the night last night in a00:01:18
luxury suite at the Willard Hotel, which00:01:21
must be a real treat for the housekeep00:01:22
keeping staff at the Willard Hotel. And00:01:24
I wonder who's in that room tonight.00:01:26
Like, what the hell? What are these milk00:01:29
duds? What happened in here? [laughter]00:01:32
Wadd then, after his five-star stay,00:01:35
woke up early enough to make an00:01:36
appearance in the White House press00:01:37
room.00:01:39
>> Hi, W. My goodness, he's a beautiful00:01:42
bird. Yes. Oh, want to give us a gobble?00:01:48
[laughter]00:01:49
>> See, fascists have fun, too. It's funny.00:01:53
Waddle then gobbled for the gaggle and00:01:55
then made way for the president of the00:01:57
United States. The turkeys being00:01:59
pardoned today go by the names of gobble00:02:01
and waddle. When I first saw their00:02:03
pictures, I thought we should send them00:02:06
uh well, I was going to I shouldn't say00:02:09
this. I was going to call them Chuck and00:02:11
Nancy.00:02:13
But then I realized I wouldn't be00:02:14
pardoning them. I would never pardon00:02:16
those two people.00:02:18
I wouldn't pardon them. I wouldn't care00:02:20
what Melania told me. Darling, I think00:02:22
it would be a nice thing to do. I won't00:02:24
do it, darling. I like when he takes us00:02:26
inside his relationship.00:02:29
Darling, why do you throw up when I open00:02:31
my robe? Why do you do it, darling? Now,00:02:34
most presidents at the turkey pardon00:02:36
keep it light. They make a few bad puns.00:02:38
They wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving00:02:40
and they go back to work. But that's not00:02:42
Donald Trump. Donald Trump used the00:02:44
opportunity to brag about all the wars00:02:47
he's ending, how low his imaginary00:02:49
prices are now, and out of nowhere took00:02:52
shots at the mayor of Chicago and the00:02:54
governor of Illinois.00:02:55
>> The mayor was a low IQ person. The mayor00:02:58
is incompetent and the governor is00:03:03
a big fat slob.00:03:06
>> Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.00:03:09
I mean, seriously though, he says a lot00:03:12
of crazy stuff. In that same press00:03:14
conference, he said there have been no00:03:15
murders in Washington DC in the last 600:03:18
months because of him. There have been00:03:19
62 murders in Washington. Which already00:03:22
indicates a vivid imagination? But does00:03:24
he really look at himself in the mirror00:03:26
and go, I am thin.00:03:29
I am so thin I can comment on others who00:03:32
aren't.00:03:33
>> So, Governor Pritsker, if you're00:03:35
listening, uh, let's get your act00:03:37
together. invite us in. I had a little00:03:40
bit of a Pritsker joke. I was going to00:03:42
talk about Pritskar in size, but when I00:03:44
talk about Pritskar, I get angry because00:03:46
he's not letting us do the job. So, I'm00:03:48
not going to tell my Pritskar joke. They00:03:50
have a very cute little joke. You know,00:03:53
some speech writer wrote some joke about00:03:55
his weight. Uh, but I would never want00:03:58
to talk about his weight. I don't talk00:03:59
about people being fat. I refuse to talk00:04:03
about the fact that he's a fat slob. I00:04:05
don't mention it.00:04:07
I don't know if that's sarcasm or00:04:08
short-term memory loss.00:04:11
Either way, he really captures the00:04:13
spirit of Thanksgiving. [laughter] And00:04:15
then the president pardoned the birds as00:04:17
only he can.00:04:18
>> It looks like looks like a rather00:04:20
violent bird.00:04:22
It's hard to play. Anyway, are you00:04:24
ready?00:04:27
>> Beautiful.00:04:30
[cheering] You are hereby [applause]00:04:32
unconditionally pardoned.00:04:37
There you go. All right.00:04:39
[applause]00:04:40
>> In six months when they're indicted for00:04:41
crypto fraud, he'll say he never met00:04:43
them. Uncle Scam also treated the00:04:45
gathered crowd to a fairy tale about how00:04:47
low the price of food is now since he00:04:50
took office.00:04:51
>> Walmart announced that the cost of their00:04:54
standard Thanksgiving meal is 25% lower.00:04:57
The price of Thanksgiving turkey is down00:05:00
33% from its by nearer highs. Potatoes00:05:04
are down 13% and gasoline will soon be00:05:07
hovering around $2 a gallon.00:05:10
>> Yeah, just like your weight is hovering00:05:13
around 175.00:05:15
I mean, the fact [applause]00:05:17
I guess in a way the fact that he thinks00:05:20
he's thin enough to make fun of fat00:05:21
people makes it easier to understand why00:05:23
he thinks we think gas costs $2 a00:05:26
gallon, which it does not. In fact, if00:05:29
you're on the road and you see a sign00:05:31
that says gas $2 a gallon over the00:05:33
break, do me a favor and post that with00:05:36
the hashtag gasolini because I mean, he00:05:39
says it's $2 a gallon. It must be true.00:05:42
They say this Thanksgiving could see the00:05:44
most travel in 15 years. TripleA says00:05:46
there'll be at least 73 million people00:05:49
on the road this year, which is00:05:51
interesting because how could they00:05:52
possibly know that? How do they know how00:05:54
many of us are going to be on the road?00:05:56
Are they counting dads sighing at gas00:05:58
stations? What data points could the00:06:00
people who send you a tow truck every 1800:06:03
months have to anticipate the number of00:06:06
family room? Who's letting AAA know00:06:08
they're off to Nani's condo for the00:06:09
holiday? You spent a lot of time00:06:12
questioning vaccines? No one ever raises00:06:14
an eyebrow about this. Thanksgiving week00:06:16
is um also the worst week of the year00:06:18
for plumbers. The day after Thanksgiving00:06:21
is known to shoppers as Black Friday.00:06:24
It's known to plumbers as Brown Friday.00:06:26
That is not a joke.00:06:29
That's for real. So many people get00:06:31
their toilets clogged. They gave it a00:06:33
name, Brown Friday. It actually goes00:06:35
back a long way to the first00:06:37
Thanksgiving. And you can see if you00:06:39
look closely at this painting is you can00:06:41
see that little girl. [laughter]00:06:44
She she celebrated the first brown f.00:06:47
She's needing to go to the bathroom so00:06:48
bad. She's waiting for someone to invent00:06:50
it.00:06:51
>> [laughter] >> But I h for one choose to embrace Brown00:06:54
Friday. Is it repulsive? Yes, it is. But00:06:56
it also reminds me of what we have in00:06:58
common. One nation under God living in a00:07:01
country with such a plentiful bounty. We00:07:04
can eat to the point where our toilets00:07:06
are so full professionals need to be00:07:08
called in. Brown Friday doesn't care00:07:11
about what color you are, who you voted00:07:14
for, or what god you worship. Brown00:07:16
Friday unites all Americans from the00:07:19
Italian family in Staten Island who00:07:21
serve stuffed makotta with their turkey00:07:23
to the farmers in Iowa who deep fry00:07:26
theirs. From the hills of Alaska to the00:07:28
swamps of Florida. From the deserts of00:07:31
Arizona to the lighouses of Maine, women00:07:33
and men are spending 45 minutes in the00:07:36
bathroom with their phones clogging00:07:38
their plumbing like a snake choking on a00:07:40
cappy bar. [laughter]00:07:43
and Rotos will be rooted on Brown00:07:45
Friday. Amen. [cheering]00:07:52
That's [applause] the00:07:54
That's the good news.00:07:57
Bad news is really bad news. Last week,00:07:59
a group of Democratic Congress people,00:08:01
all of whom served in either the00:08:03
military or the intelligence community,00:08:05
posted a video in which they reminded00:08:08
active service members that they are not00:08:10
required to obey illegal orders. That's00:08:13
all they said. And for that, Trump00:08:15
accused them of sedition and treason and00:08:17
suggested they should be executed, which00:08:20
was so outrageous. Even his buddy Brian00:08:22
Kilme did everything he could to get00:08:25
Trump to walk it back. In the old days,00:08:27
if you said a thing like that, that was00:08:29
punishable by death.00:08:31
>> Yeah, but you're not saying you're not00:08:32
threatening them. A lot of people are00:08:34
interpreting there's a threat in their00:08:35
security.00:08:36
>> I'm not threatening them, but I think00:08:37
they're in serious trouble. I would say00:08:39
they're in serious trouble. I'm not00:08:41
threatening death, but I think they're00:08:43
in serious trouble. In the old days, it00:08:45
was death.00:08:46
>> In the old What old days are the Salem00:08:49
witch trials? What old days is? We did00:08:51
not put Congress people to death in the00:08:54
old days. One of the Democrats Trump's00:08:56
going after is Senator Mark Kelly of00:08:58
Arizona. The Pentagon is threatening to00:09:00
investigate and even court marshal him00:09:02
for this video. Mark Kelly was a captain00:09:04
in the Navy. He flew 39 combat missions00:09:07
over Iraq and Kuwait. He's a former00:09:09
astronaut, which I I mean, if Trump00:09:12
starts going after our astronauts, who's00:09:14
next? Lawrence Sanchez, Katie Perry,00:09:17
where does it end? [laughter]00:09:19
Mark Kelly is here with us tonight. So,00:09:21
we are going to discuss [cheering] that.00:09:23
We'll talk to this later on. [applause]00:09:26
And while Trump is trying to get all of00:09:29
his critics thrown in jail, he's also00:09:31
hard at work on the issues that matter00:09:32
most to America. By special order from00:09:35
the White House, Paramount, the movie00:09:37
company that is very eager to please00:09:39
him. We learned today we'll make a third00:09:41
sequel to Rush Hour, starring Chris00:09:43
Tucker and Jackie Chan at the00:09:45
president's request. That's right. He00:09:47
asked for this. Trump's pal Larry00:09:49
Ellison, Bob Paramount, Gorge Lucas00:09:51
asked him, "Will you make rush hour 400:09:54
for me?" He likes the Rush Hour movies00:09:56
because that was the last time he got00:09:58
Eric to be quiet for 90 minutes. The00:10:01
film will also mark the return of00:10:02
director Brett Ratner, who hasn't made a00:10:04
movie in 10 years because of allegations00:10:07
from multiple women of sexual harassment00:10:09
and worse. Now, Brett Ratner met the00:10:11
Trumps when Melania hired him to do00:10:13
their to direct her documentary. One00:10:16
thing about Melania, she has really good00:10:17
instincts about men. So for anyone who00:10:20
says Trump wastes a lot of time on00:10:22
nothing, wrong, we're getting a rush00:10:24
hour for. And next up, the Cosby Show.00:10:28
That's right. [cheering]00:10:29
Then we have another crepo caffa, our00:10:31
secretary of health and human services,00:10:33
Bobby Kennedy Jr. I mentioned last night00:10:36
uh RFK reportedly authored erotic poetry00:10:40
for a now former reporter for New York00:10:42
magazine, Olivia Nuzi, who's almost 4000:10:44
years younger than he is. The poems were00:10:46
intercepted by Nuzi's fiance at the00:10:49
time, another journalist, Ryan Liza.00:10:51
Ryan Liza has been publishing some of00:10:53
the poems, but he says most of them are00:10:55
too graphic to share. I have one of them00:10:57
and I want to share with you. This is00:10:59
not one of the ones that are too00:11:00
graphic, but you decide. He wrote, "I00:11:03
mean to squeeze your cheeks to force00:11:05
open your mouth. I'll hold your nose as00:11:07
you look up at me to encourage you to00:11:09
swallow. Don't spill a drop."00:11:13
>> That's the guy in charge of whether our00:11:14
kids get vaccines.00:11:16
>> Now, obviously, this is disturbing, but00:11:18
we wanted to get the story straight from00:11:20
the horse dewormer's mouth. So, we got00:11:22
in touch. And please say hello to our00:11:24
new poet laurette, Robert Kennedy Jr.00:11:27
Jr., Mr. Secretary. Hello, Mr.00:11:30
SECRETARY. [cheering]00:11:31
[applause]00:11:32
DO YOU MIND? I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF00:11:34
WRITING [screaming] A POEM.00:11:36
>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S actually00:11:37
what I wanted to talk about. I wanted00:11:39
May we hear what you've WRITTEN SO FAR?00:11:41
>> WHY DO YOU LIKE POEMS?00:11:43
>> I DO like poems.00:11:44
>> OH, I'M ALMOST FINISHED WITH THIS ONE.00:11:48
HEY, WHAT RHYMES WITH GOO CANNON?00:11:52
>> WITH GOO CANNON?00:11:54
>> YES, GOO CANON. ALL I CAN THINK OF IS00:11:56
STEVE BANNON, AND THAT'S NOT ROMANTIC.00:11:59
WELL, you know, one might argue that00:12:01
neither is Gooan, but00:12:04
>> maybe you're right. I NEED SOME CREATIVE00:12:06
INSPIRATION.00:12:09
>> OH, what is that? What is that you're00:12:11
taking?00:12:12
>> TYLENOL.00:12:14
>> I THOUGHT YOU TOLD US NOT TO TAKE00:12:16
TYLENOL. >> IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT GETS ME. IT'S00:12:20
FORBIDDEN FRUIT. IT TASTES SO GOOD TO BE00:12:22
SO BAD. OH, YEAH. HERE WE GO. DADDY'S00:12:26
GETTING IT WORKING AGAIN. I'M READY. AH,00:12:29
DADDY'S COOKING NOW. LET ME JUST DIDDY00:12:31
UP.00:12:33
>> OH, NO, NO, NO. Please don't diddy up.00:12:35
Don't diddy up. Hey, can we hear the00:12:37
poem before that? YEAH.00:12:40
>> OKAY, LISTEN. I HAVEN'T WRITTEN THIS ONE00:12:42
DOWN YET, BUT I'VE GOT IT ALL STORED UP00:12:45
HERE IN THE OLD WORMATORIUM.00:12:47
>> OKAY. [laughter]00:12:52
[clears throat]00:12:58
>> All right. Okay, whenever you're ready.00:13:04
>> Okay,00:13:05
you should get that throat clear. Okay,00:13:07
great. [laughter]00:13:09
>> Shall I compare thee to a SUMMER'S DAY?00:13:13
THOU ART HOT AND STICKY, AND YOU MAKE MY00:13:17
LITTLE NUTS SWEAT.00:13:20
Something something goo canon. YOU GET00:13:22
THE IDEA.00:13:23
>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL. I I'm sure your wife is00:13:25
going to love it. It's very beautiful.00:13:26
>> No, no, NO. IT'S NOT FOR MY WIFE. IT'S00:13:28
FOR THIS CRAZY CHICK I MET ON FACEBOOK00:13:30
IN AN ANTIAX MOMMY GROUP.00:13:32
>> WELL, WHOEVER it's for is quite lovely00:13:34
and I think she's got00:13:35
>> What? What a hottie she is. VERY LOVELY.00:13:38
SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO A DIRT WHISTLE.00:13:41
>> What is a DIRT WHISTLE?00:13:43
>> WHAT? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A DIRT WHISTLE00:13:45
IS? NERD. OKAY, HERE'S WHAT IT IS. YOU00:13:49
BRING HER TO A GRAVEYARD.00:13:52
>> SHE LAYS DOWN BOTTOMS UP. THEN YOU PUT00:13:56
YOUR LEGS UP LIKE THIS. YOU GO.00:13:58
>> ALL RIGHT. I see. Okay.00:14:02
>> Hang on.00:14:03
>> MY LOINS BURN LIKE A FIRE OF A THOUSAND00:14:08
SONS.00:14:09
>> Is that a poem?00:14:11
>> NO, IT'S NOT A POEM. IT'S A RASH. MY00:14:12
LOINS ARE BURNING LIKE THE BABY JESUS.00:14:15
I'M ALL CHAFED DOWN THERE FROM DOING00:14:16
sit-ups in my jeans.00:14:18
>> Yeah. Yeah.00:14:19
>> DR. PHIL SAID IT'S THE WORST CASE OF00:14:21
DENIM HE HAS EVER SEEN. I'M SO sorry to00:14:25
hear that, Mr. Secretary. Oh, it seems00:14:26
that your um your your crotch seems to00:14:29
be smoking now, so you should probably00:14:30
get to THE DOCTOR.00:14:32
>> DOCTORS DOCTORS ARE [screaming] LIARS00:14:35
AND COWARDS. ALL I NEED IS THIS.00:14:44
>> YOU SEE, THE FOAM FROM THIS GUY IS VERY,00:14:47
VERY SOOTHING.00:14:53
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL [screaming]00:14:56
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.00:15:00
AND happy Thanksgiving to you. That is00:15:02
Robert Kennedy Jr. [cheering]00:15:04
Jr.Description:
The White House is ready for Thanksgiving, Trump spent some time pardoning two turkeys while bragging and ranting about his political enemies, the day after Thanksgiving is known to plumbers as Brown Friday, Hegseth opens investigation into Senator Mark Kelly over the video reminding service members that they're not required to obey illegal orders, we chat with RFK Junior Jr. about his love poems & since Trump seems to think that gas costs $2 a gallon we're asking that if you see a sign that actually says that, please take a picture and post it with #Gassolini. SUBSCRIBE to get the latest #Kimmel: https://www.youtube.com/user/jimmykimmellive?sub_confirmation=1 Follow Jimmy Kimmel on Instagram: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Follow Jimmy Kimmel Live on Instagram: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Follow Jimmy Kimmel Live on TikTok: https://bit.ly/JKLTikTok Like Jimmy Kimmel on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Like Jimmy Kimmel Live on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Visit the Jimmy Kimmel Live Website : https://abc.com/show/9bfe2f4f-41ad-4492-a6dd-0b67db180543 About Jimmy Kimmel Live: Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Emmy® nominated “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC’s late-night talk show. “Jimmy Kimmel Live” is well known for its viral video successes, with over 16 billion views and more than 19 million subscribers on the show’s YouTube channel. Some of Kimmel’s most popular comedy bits include Celebrities Read Mean Tweets, Lie Witness News, Halloween Candy YouTube Challenge, Jimmy and Cousin Sal pranking Aunt Chippy and music stars like Rihanna and Dua Lipa surprising Jimmy in the middle of the night.
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- click "Play".
- copy the video address (URL);
- select "Open Network Stream" in the "Media" item of VLC player and paste the link to the video into the input field;
- click on the arrow on the "Play" button and select "Convert" in the list;
- select "Video - H.264 + MP3 (MP4)" in the "Profile" line;
- click the "Browse" button to select a folder to save the converted video and click the "Start" button;
- conversion speed depends on the resolution and duration of the video.
For this purpose you need VLC-player, which can be downloaded for free from the official website https://www.videolan.org/vlc/.
How to play streaming video through VLC player:
To download streaming video via VLC player, you need to convert it:
Warning: this download method no longer works with most YouTube videos.
What's the price of all this stuff?
It costs nothing. Our services are absolutely free for all users. There are no PRO subscriptions, no restrictions on the number or maximum length of downloaded videos.