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00:00:00
Good night. [cheering]00:00:01
I APPRECIATE THAT. I'M the host of the00:00:03
show. Thank you for00:00:06
coming. Thank you for watching. Thank00:00:08
you for joining us as we near the end of00:00:10
the year. Um the all the end of the year00:00:12
lists are out. The best of this, the00:00:14
worst of that. Time magazine today00:00:17
unveiled [snorts] their person of the00:00:19
year. Can I get a drum roll?00:00:22
Thank you. I do that at home. Nothing00:00:24
happens. [laughter]00:00:25
The person of the year for 2025 is a00:00:29
group. Elon Musk, Sam Alman, Mark00:00:31
Zuckerberg, and five other off-kilter00:00:34
tech sisters and bros. The architects of00:00:37
AI are the person of the year.00:00:44
>> I was expecting more enthusiasm.00:00:47
They call them architects. And I wonder,00:00:49
do architects, is it customary for an00:00:51
architect to have no idea how a building00:00:53
they've designed works or whether or not00:00:56
it will one day rise up to try to kill00:00:58
them? You know, it started, this whole00:01:00
AI business started because those people00:01:03
you saw on the magazine wanted a robot00:01:05
to have sex with and to tell them00:01:06
they're cool. And they'll probably have00:01:09
them. So, they probably have them00:01:10
already. Put that cover back up for a00:01:11
second because I want to say,00:01:12
ironically, with as much as you can do00:01:14
with AI graphically, it looks like00:01:16
Photoshop from 2007.00:01:19
There they are. The eight dorks of the00:01:21
apocalypse on a the people who replaced00:01:25
people are the people of the year this00:01:27
year. Donald Trump was the person of the00:01:30
year last year, but not this time, which00:01:31
is a shame because he's really crushing00:01:33
it. Did yesterday Trump unveiled his new00:01:37
plan for immigration, the get into00:01:39
America Express card, the Trump gold00:01:42
card with Why is the eagle on his lap?00:01:45
Are we to believe that it's his pet?00:01:47
This is a card that will allow wealthy00:01:49
foreigners to live here. For a million00:01:51
bucks, you get legal visitor status. You00:01:54
get a pathway to citizenship and a00:01:56
presidential pardon for one major crime00:01:58
of your choosing.00:02:01
There's a card now for it might be time00:02:04
to update that inscription on the Statue00:02:06
of Liberty. Never mind, you're poor and00:02:08
tired. Give us a million bucks. You're00:02:09
in. Now, you would think you would think00:02:12
that a transaction like this would00:02:13
involve a good deal of paperwork, right?00:02:16
Nope. The application is one page long00:02:19
that you have to give more information00:02:20
to rent a Toyota Camry than to it's00:02:23
harder to start a Wordle account than to00:02:26
get a Trump card. Trump He thinks00:02:28
citizenship is something you could you00:02:30
could sell like a a condo or a steak or00:02:34
Eric when he was a baby. It's like00:02:36
[laughter]00:02:37
this is the pet project of Trump's00:02:39
Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnik who00:02:41
was up bright and early pitching it to00:02:43
the team at Fox and Friends. So, it's00:02:45
trumpcard.gov.00:02:46
It's live right now. You apply for it.00:02:49
You pay $15,000 and you get the most00:02:52
rigorous vetting that's ever been done00:02:55
on new people coming to America. They00:02:57
used to pay something like $6, $800 and00:03:00
do that vetting. This is a $15,00000:03:02
vetting to make sure we have absolutely00:03:05
the best people. And then they make a00:03:07
gift to the United States of a million00:03:08
dollars. So finally instead of coming in00:03:11
for free and just getting online and00:03:13
coming for free, now these people make a00:03:15
gift to the United States of America of00:03:16
a million dollars. So you know these are00:03:18
the best people coming in. That's right.00:03:20
That's right. The best people are the00:03:22
rich people. It's what Jesus always00:03:24
said. It's it's in the Bible. He says00:03:27
it's easier for a camel to go through00:03:29
the eye of a needle if you pay the00:03:31
needle a million dollars. [laughter]00:03:34
Rich people are the finest people there00:03:35
are. It's why God made them rich.00:03:38
>> [applause]00:03:39
>> And I say it's about time our00:03:41
immigration system ran like the rewards00:03:43
program at one of Trump's bankrupted00:03:45
casinos. The White House is also00:03:48
planning to offer a Trump Platinum card,00:03:50
which is above the gold card, and a00:03:52
Storm the Capital One card. I wonder if00:03:56
this is where Trump got this idea for00:03:58
the Trump card. You know, in 1990, he00:04:01
had a game show, a shortlived game show,00:04:04
uh, called Trump Card. I'd also like to00:04:06
take this opportunity to welcome our00:04:08
viewers to trump card. It's an00:04:10
intelligent and challenging game. And in00:04:13
the great tradition of America, if00:04:14
you're smart and persevere, there's a00:04:16
good chance you'll come out on top.00:04:18
>> He's so natural on camera. You know,00:04:20
it's it's almost harder to believe that00:04:23
he hosted a show on NBC than he became00:04:25
president.00:04:27
>> Thank you, Jimmy. It's great to be on00:04:28
the same team as you.00:04:29
>> Well, thanks for saying that, Mr.00:04:31
President. You know, we both [cheering]00:04:33
just want to make America. Great.00:04:36
[applause]00:04:37
>> There was another day of deal or no00:04:39
healthcare deal in Washington today.00:04:41
Guess which one won. After 10 years of00:04:44
claiming he's got a plan for healthcare,00:04:46
the president and his party are suddenly00:04:48
scrambling to come up with something00:04:50
before the subsidies expire next month00:04:51
and everyone wants to choke them. His00:04:53
big idea is to give us all a one-time00:04:55
check for $1,500. He wants Americans to00:04:59
use the $1,500 to find our own00:05:02
healthcare, which is actually possible.00:05:04
For example, ladies, instead of paying00:05:06
hundreds of dollars for an expensive00:05:08
gynecologist, Jify Lube, they'll put you00:05:11
up on a lift. They'll give you a 3000:05:13
point inspection. They'll change your00:05:15
oil filters. They'll replace any faulty00:05:18
fallopian tubes. You're in and out in a00:05:21
half hour. $50. He loves putting his00:05:24
name on checks as long as the money00:05:26
isn't his. He did it during COVID. He00:05:28
signed his name on and I just got a00:05:29
check from Donald Trump. Apparently,00:05:31
there was some kind of settlement made00:05:33
with Amazon Prime. Everyone who paid for00:05:35
Amazon Prime gets a refund because the00:05:38
FTC under the Biden administration, by00:05:40
the way, sued the company for some00:05:42
shenanigans involving their membership00:05:44
fee. And I got a check came to my house00:05:47
in the mail for $51. We got a closeup00:05:50
here. Hi, James C. Kimmel. The enclosed00:05:52
check is the result of a settlement00:05:54
reached by President Trump's Federal00:05:56
Trade Commission with Amazon regarding00:05:58
Prime subscription practices. It says00:06:00
three times President Trump's FTC. Well,00:06:03
thank you, Mr. President. I'm going to00:06:05
use this to buy six minutes of health00:06:07
insurance. Okay. Usually to get a check00:06:10
with Trump's name on it, you have to00:06:12
spank them with a magazine and agree not00:06:14
to [cheering] tell anybody. [applause]00:06:16
So, I figured I'm ahead.00:06:19
And this strategy of his of giving us00:06:21
our own money with his name on it. I00:06:23
guess it's supposed to make us forget00:06:25
how expensive everything is. I was in00:06:26
Denver over the weekend and I met a guy00:06:28
who liked my hat. It said Atari on it.00:06:31
So I just gave him the hat. I figured00:06:33
I'll buy another one when I get home.00:06:34
Then I couldn't find it. But I finally00:06:36
found one on a website. Turned out the00:06:37
store was in Canada. And I know this00:06:39
because I got an email from the store00:06:41
after I ordered the hat. It said, "Hi,00:06:43
James. Thank you so much for choosing to00:06:45
shop with us. GMO, do you know my name's00:06:47
James?"00:06:48
>> Yes. Yeah. Um, [laughter]00:06:50
the reason I'm reaching out to you as00:06:52
your order unfortunately will be subject00:06:54
to the EA tariff rate duties and taxes.00:06:57
We apologize. Unfortunately, it's out of00:06:59
our control. So, the hat cost $37. The00:07:02
tariff was $63.39.00:07:05
I paid $100 for a $37 hat plus $2600:07:10
shipping. And I felt like I had to pay00:07:12
it just to make it up to Canada, you00:07:14
know. So, thank you, Mr. President. that00:07:17
the tariff of Nottingham00:07:19
strikes again. [applause]00:07:21
And then we've got our top-notch00:07:23
Secretary of Homeland Security, Christy00:07:25
Gnome, who was called in to testify in00:07:28
front of Congress today to answer a00:07:30
number of questions like this one.00:07:32
>> How many United States military veterans00:07:34
have you deported?00:07:36
>> Uh sir, we have not deported US citizens00:07:39
or military veterans.00:07:41
>> We are joined on Zoom by a gentleman00:07:43
named Sejun Park. He is a United States00:07:45
Army combat veteran who was shot twice.00:07:49
A Purple Heart recipient. He has00:07:51
sacrificed more for this country than00:07:53
most people ever have. Earlier this00:07:56
year, you deported him to Korea, a00:07:58
country he hasn't lived in since he was00:08:00
7 years old. Will you join me in00:08:03
thanking Mr. Park for his service to our00:08:05
country?00:08:06
>> Sir, I'm grateful for every single00:08:07
person that has served our country and00:08:09
follows our laws.00:08:10
>> Can you I mean, is anyone okay with00:08:13
this? I seriously all kidding aside, we00:08:16
deported a veteran with a Purple Heart.00:08:19
What kind of a person does this? What00:08:20
kind of a guy? I'll tell you what kind00:08:22
of person. The kind who shoots a puppy00:08:23
and brags about it in her biography, but00:08:26
she didn't have any good answers for any00:08:28
of the tough questions she was asked00:08:29
this morning. She also arrested the00:08:31
father of three US Marines. They claim00:08:34
to care so much about veterans, but they00:08:36
don't at all. And at a certain point,00:08:38
she just said, "I got to get the hell00:08:40
out of here. I just I have to actually00:08:42
leave this hearing early because the00:08:44
FEMA review council is giving their00:08:46
report today on suggestions for changes00:08:48
to FEMA. >> Thank you for not taking your foot off00:08:49
the gas.00:08:50
>> I have to co-chair it, but I will be00:08:52
leaving soon.00:08:57
>> I understand00:09:00
on good information that the FEMA00:09:02
council meeting was cancelled.00:09:07
>> Now hold on. [applause]00:09:09
To be fair, she was late for her00:09:10
blowout. She went right to dry bar and00:09:13
she and Corey Luwendowski had a couple's00:09:15
massage she had to get to. So, and then00:09:18
we have a story that I've been following00:09:20
very closely. The My Pillow Man, Mike00:09:22
Lindell, our old pal, has officially00:09:24
thrown his tinfoil hat in the ring. Mike00:09:26
is running to succeed Tim Walls as00:09:28
governor of Minnesota. He told the New00:09:30
York Times, "There's no one else that00:09:32
could do as good a job as I know I could00:09:33
do because I've had to build businesses00:09:35
and it needs to be run like a business."00:09:38
And as you can see, this man knows how00:09:41
to run a business. That's right. He took00:09:43
a loan at 409%00:09:47
interest. Did he say run or ruin a00:09:49
business? How did they The accent is00:09:51
confusing. Anyway, I'm excited. Uh I'm00:09:55
going to give him $1,000 for Sorry,00:09:57
Minnesota. Sometimes I have to think00:09:59
about the show. Okay, we are now uh two00:10:03
weeks. Exactly [applause] two weeks.00:10:06
Have you finished? Did you finish your00:10:08
holiday shopping?00:10:09
>> Jimmy on is having a start.00:10:10
>> You haven't started. You got some. Well,00:10:12
we are well into the holiday spirit here00:10:14
in Hollywood. Uh the lights are up, but00:10:16
the abandoned Hooters, the drunk00:10:18
Spider-Man are drinking eggnog, and we00:10:21
are always up for something festive. So,00:10:23
we sent our reporter out to the street00:10:24
for a very special holiday edition of00:10:27
Breaking the News.00:10:32
>> BREAKING THE NEWS.00:10:35
HOLIDAY EDITION.00:10:37
HANUKKAH, the beloved holiday. Tonight00:10:40
we sit down with some real live Jews who00:10:43
explain the festival of lights.00:10:47
>> No, I ain't no Jew.00:10:50
>> Tonight00:10:52
>> on Donner, Dancer, Prancer, and [music]00:10:55
Vixens. How local sex workers will00:10:58
celebrate the season this year.00:11:00
>> You want to stay with us?00:11:02
>> I think I think so. At least news alert.00:11:06
>> Why taking photos for strangers is still00:11:08
the nicest thing you can do in the Oh,00:11:10
hold on. You're getting a call.00:11:13
>> They're taking a picture. Call back00:11:16
after this. Here you go. Call your mom00:11:18
back.00:11:19
>> And later.00:11:21
>> Okay, guys. We're going to put Santa00:11:22
Claus flying overhead. So, everyone look00:11:24
up. Santa.00:11:25
>> Santa.00:11:26
>> And while we wait for Santa, I would00:11:28
like to address some comments that were00:11:29
made in last night's broadcast. The00:11:30
words I spoke were inappropriate00:11:32
anywhere, let alone a car wash opening.00:11:35
I want you to know that I've heard your00:11:37
messages and I've learned from my00:11:39
mistakes. And also that I have nothing00:11:41
but deep admiration and respect for the00:11:43
entire weirdo, creepy, terrifying albino00:11:46
community.00:11:48
>> Santa,00:11:51
go ahead.00:11:52
>> Christmas trees. Everybody loves them.00:11:54
Some more than others. Tonight, we meet00:11:56
a man who had sex with his.00:11:59
Congratulations.00:12:00
>> Thank you.00:12:01
>> Naughty pie.00:12:02
>> Sure, Christmas is a celebration of00:12:04
Christ's birth, BUT DO GODLESS HEATHENS00:12:06
like this lady also enjoy for her orgy.00:12:10
The native traditional holiday dish00:12:13
that's finding new popularity with00:12:14
California's high protein diet crowd.00:12:17
You guys want to give that a try? Just00:12:18
take a bite of that.00:12:20
>> Oh, what food? All right. What you00:12:23
think?00:12:26
Coyote loaf. It's why people are saying00:12:29
it tastes like the neighbor's cat.00:12:31
[laughter]00:12:34
>> Mangy meat.00:12:36
>> THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, WE'RE showing you00:12:37
how to take your looks from drab.00:12:41
Okay, you got to get out of here. I got00:12:42
to find a fab.00:12:45
>> And later.00:12:46
>> Oh, we're going live. We're going live00:12:47
in three. Help me out. Help me out. And00:12:49
we're live. Rich and Chrissy here at the00:12:51
mall where shoppers are scrambling to00:12:53
pick up those last minute gifts. I just00:12:55
met this young man. What's your name?00:12:57
Cohen. >> Cohen, who just told me a hilarious00:12:59
Christmas joke. He told me, "Why is00:13:02
Santa so grumpy?" "Cuz he only comes00:13:04
once a year."00:13:05
>> No, you know, I told you to keep it00:13:07
clean. I told you. I mean, come on.00:13:09
>> Come on. I'm Shame on you. Sh go. Just00:13:11
go. Just go.00:13:12
>> Tonight,00:13:14
>> can the right thumbnail earn you00:13:15
millions of clicks?00:13:18
>> There you go. Would you hold that and00:13:19
just turn profile a little bit? Go00:13:21
ahead. Chug it.00:13:23
>> The answer is yes.00:13:25
Like and subscribe.00:13:28
>> This year, people are ditching the beer00:13:30
and picking up the cheer. The newest00:13:32
trend, Nog Bombs. There you go. And I'll00:13:36
fill Hold on to that for me. We're going00:13:38
to fill that up for you. Nog bombs.00:13:41
Chug, chug, chug. And the newest study00:13:44
linking dairy to dementia. [laughter]00:13:48
Happy holidays.00:14:01
>> [music]Description:
Time Magazine unveiled their Person of the Year, Donald unveiled the “Trump Gold Card” which will allow wealthy foreigners to live here, back in 1990 Trump had a short-lived game show, Jimmy got a check for $51 from Amazon as the result of a settlement reached by President Trump, the Tariff of Nottingham strikes again, Kristi Noem was called to testify in front of Congress, Mike Lindell has officially thrown his hat in the ring for Governor of Minnesota, and a new holiday edition of Breaking the News. SUBSCRIBE to get the latest #Kimmel: https://www.youtube.com/user/jimmykimmellive?sub_confirmation=1 Follow Jimmy Kimmel on Instagram: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Follow Jimmy Kimmel Live on Instagram: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Follow Jimmy Kimmel Live on TikTok: https://bit.ly/JKLTikTok Like Jimmy Kimmel on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Like Jimmy Kimmel Live on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Visit the Jimmy Kimmel Live Website : https://abc.com/show/9bfe2f4f-41ad-4492-a6dd-0b67db180543 About Jimmy Kimmel Live: Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Emmy® nominated “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC’s late-night talk show. “Jimmy Kimmel Live” is well known for its viral video successes, with over 16 billion views and more than 19 million subscribers on the show’s YouTube channel. Some of Kimmel’s most popular comedy bits include Celebrities Read Mean Tweets, Lie Witness News, Halloween Candy YouTube Challenge, Jimmy and Cousin Sal pranking Aunt Chippy and music stars like Rihanna and Dua Lipa surprising Jimmy in the middle of the night.
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