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Subtitles
00:00:04
[Music]00:00:14
up00:00:16
[Music]00:00:26
[Music]00:00:32
[Applause]00:00:41
he's 22 years old00:00:44
he's a male00:00:47
and he looks like the genetic product of00:00:49
a giraffe having sex with ellen00:00:51
degeneres00:00:54
he has a gigantic head and tiny nipples00:00:58
he's isolated himself over the last five00:01:01
years in pursuit of comedy00:01:04
and00:01:05
in doing so00:01:07
has lost touch with reality00:01:12
you're an [ __ ] [Music]00:01:15
you hear me00:01:18
you think you know better than me00:01:21
you think you know better than everybody00:01:25
you will die alone00:01:27
and you will deserve it00:01:30
but in the meantime you might as well00:01:32
tell those silly jokes of yours00:01:37
see if that helps00:01:52
[Music]00:02:06
welcome to00:02:09
[Applause]00:02:17
[Music]00:02:18
[Applause]00:02:21
and play an invisible trumpet trumpet00:02:24
sound drink some invisible water00:02:27
oh [ __ ] that water's00:02:29
real wants to make you feel00:02:32
comfortable wants to make you feel00:02:39
sit back relax and enjoy a healthy dose00:02:42
of prolonged eye contact00:02:52
[Applause]00:03:00
prolonged eye contact00:03:05
[Music]00:03:07
[Applause]00:03:16
to make it more comforting00:03:21
[Music]00:03:23
[Applause]00:03:29
[Music]00:03:41
or is [Music]00:03:45
and it that moment00:03:47
bo's 20-year-old cynicism melted to00:03:50
childlike wonder00:03:54
he never knew there could be so much00:03:55
magic in the world00:03:58
it's a world of possibilities bo00:04:02
what do you want to do first00:04:05
run yeah sure you can run00:04:08
fly00:04:09
well yeah you can fly00:04:12
what00:04:13
what do you what the [ __ ] you do what00:04:15
the [ __ ] are you doing stop stop stop it00:04:19
are you [ __ ] idiot stop stop stop00:04:24
anyways00:04:26
in the distance bo saw a beautiful fairy00:04:29
a fairy so beautiful that he felt proud00:04:31
about being called when in high school00:04:34
he then came across an old bridge with a00:04:36
troll standing guard00:04:38
bo knew that he'd have to answer a00:04:40
riddle to get by00:04:42
the troll spoke thus00:04:46
all right for the last time man i'm not00:04:47
a troll i'm homeless okay do you have00:04:49
any spare change00:04:52
okay that's a used napkin i don't want00:04:54
that no no stop just leave just leave00:04:58
please leave00:05:01
and then00:05:03
as bo arrived on the other side of the00:05:05
stage00:05:07
he saw a unicorn with five horns right00:05:09
in front of him00:05:11
and the pentacorn spoke thus00:05:16
hello bro00:05:19
i've been looking for you for quite a00:05:20
long time00:05:27
[Music]00:05:33
[Music]00:05:37
he was safe00:05:38
for now00:05:40
but the dark thoughts would soon return00:05:54
uh00:05:55
[Applause]00:05:59
[Music]00:06:11
it's so hard to be a lizard00:06:18
it's hard to be a lizard00:06:22
[Music]00:06:30
it's hard to be a lizard00:06:34
[Music]00:06:37
but it's harder to segue00:06:39
is he skiing or is he in a gay porn is00:06:42
he skiing what or is he in a gay porn is00:06:45
he00:06:49
[Music]00:06:53
[ __ ] is getting pretty annoying so give00:06:56
him the real thing00:06:57
my voice is so [ __ ] natural00:07:04
[Music]00:07:14
welcome to the show00:07:40
that lizard part was pretty [ __ ]00:07:41
stupid anyway00:07:45
san francisco yeah yeah00:07:48
we are a place we are a place in00:07:51
california um i'd like to uh00:07:54
i'd like to start with a joke from my00:07:55
mail audience uh this is a joke for the00:07:57
fellas where my fellas at fellas00:07:59
[Music]00:08:01
yo fellas don't you hate it when you're00:08:02
blowing a guy and he ends up being a00:08:03
[ __ ] am i right00:08:06
i've been blowing a [ __ ] this whole00:08:08
time00:08:10
third time this week thank you so much00:08:12
we're having fun00:08:16
this um00:08:18
this show is uh called what00:08:21
and i hope there's some surprises for00:08:23
you or something jesus i'm sorry00:08:25
it's a good start uh there's something00:08:27
to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah00:08:29
but you all thought it was an accident00:08:31
but he meant to knock the water over00:08:33
yeah yeah yeah art is a lie00:08:36
nothing is real so um we uh00:08:39
grow up grow up with your applause stick00:08:42
it around you meant to knock the water00:08:44
over yeah yeah yeah but you all thought00:08:46
it wasn't it00:08:47
just don't if it's on repeat it will00:08:50
reap me00:08:51
just this is we'll just we can cut all00:08:52
this so he's meant to play the track00:08:54
again yeah yeah yeah but you all thought00:08:57
it was an accident but he meant to play00:08:59
the water tracker get getting still00:09:01
alive nothing's still real food jokes00:09:04
let's do some food jokes segways are00:09:06
weird00:09:07
um00:09:14
i had a uh i had a hot dog for breakfast00:09:16
uh today and afterwards i felt like this00:09:22
because i couldn't control my stools all00:09:24
right jesus00:09:30
glad you like poop-based puns that'll be00:09:32
a majority of the00:09:33
[Applause]00:09:35
never show a moment every moment can00:09:37
become a comedic moment see00:09:40
so just a little lesson for comedians00:09:42
um00:09:43
[Music]00:09:44
this first song00:09:46
is called00:09:48
a world on fire00:09:53
this next song is a little bit00:09:54
a little bit longer than that one00:09:57
and um00:09:58
thank you00:10:00
it's about how sad i am i'm really sad00:10:02
it's called sad00:10:08
it's about all the sad stuff00:10:11
just picture a depressed onion cutting00:10:12
itself00:10:13
[Music]00:10:26
i met a homeless man named rich00:10:33
isn't that terrible i saw a flyer for a00:10:36
lost dog and the dog didn't have any00:10:38
legs i started diabetic kid00:10:43
trick-or-treating i saw a giraffe who00:10:45
had a short neck that was sad or a deer00:10:49
i saw00:10:50
an old man get hit by a train00:10:55
he didn't see it in the pouring00:10:58
rain he didn't hear me shout look out00:11:02
for the train00:11:03
[Music]00:11:06
because i didn't say anything00:11:13
i just thought to myself00:11:15
oh this is going to be sad00:11:19
and it was00:11:23
i'm a genius00:11:29
i saw a man with only one eye00:11:36
in a 3d movie i saw a little boy drop00:11:39
his ice cream cone directly on his00:11:41
mother's corpse i saw a kid stuck in a00:11:44
tree then the kitten jumped off and he00:11:46
hung itself i saw a boy who had red hair00:11:49
[Music]00:11:52
i went to a store looking for something00:11:56
to buy00:11:57
but they only sold paintings of the same00:12:01
sad guy00:12:03
no way00:12:04
this store sells mirrors see what i did00:12:08
there00:12:09
let's rock no00:12:16
the world's so sad bros00:12:20
pain00:12:21
genocide war sexism racism00:12:25
but i gotta remember there's good things00:12:27
about it too00:12:29
like the fact that none of that's00:12:30
happening to me score00:12:32
[Music]00:12:35
still though it's hard not to be sad00:12:36
about it00:12:39
how do y'all do it00:12:41
i've been telling you guys terribly sad00:12:43
things this whole song you haven't been00:12:44
sad at all you've been00:12:46
you've been happy no00:12:48
you've been laughing that said laughter00:12:50
it's the key to everything it's the way00:12:51
to solve all the sadness in the world00:12:54
i mean not for the people that are00:12:55
actually sad but the people like us that00:12:57
gotta [ __ ] deal with them all the00:12:58
time00:13:01
being a comedian isn't being an00:13:02
insensitive prick capitalizing on the00:13:04
most animalistic impulses of the public00:13:06
it's being a hero00:13:09
the world isn't sad00:13:11
the world's funny i'm a sociopath i saw00:13:14
an old man slip and fall00:13:16
hey what a [ __ ] idiot i saw a woman00:13:19
at her daughter's funeral ha ha ha00:13:22
classic comedy everything that once was00:13:24
sad00:13:26
is somehow funny now the holocaust in 900:13:29
11. that shit's funny 24 7 cause tragedy00:13:34
will be exclusively joked about00:13:38
because my empathy is bumming me00:13:41
[Music]00:13:45
goodbye sadness00:13:50
hello jokes00:13:51
[Music]00:13:57
thank you00:13:59
[Applause]00:14:13
i got a really good joke about video00:14:14
editors video editors are so [ __ ] uh00:14:17
i think we should do a poem right now if00:14:18
that's okay this poem is a little bit00:14:20
sappy a little bit romantic so we'll get00:14:22
it out of the way now00:14:23
and uh we will go back to the uh whoops00:14:26
the uh the dirty stuff you know everyone00:14:29
loves at a late show or whatever00:14:31
okay00:14:32
uh it's called i [ __ ] [ __ ]00:14:38
it's not a roll call but thank you [ __ ]00:14:42
[Applause]00:14:45
[ __ ]00:14:46
[ __ ] i [ __ ] [ __ ] let's get [ __ ] when00:14:48
i [ __ ] [ __ ] no fans and or buts i [ __ ]00:14:51
[ __ ] i [ __ ] [ __ ] nice girls are nice00:14:53
but no good for nut sucking they'll need00:14:55
a serene knight to green light a butt00:14:56
[ __ ] but that'll be easy with sleazy00:14:58
old [ __ ] [ __ ] booed the nice girls00:15:00
praise be to slot [ __ ]00:15:01
i have a list00:15:03
a list yes a list of all the [ __ ] i've00:15:05
missed i've never [ __ ] or sucked these00:15:07
[ __ ] and thus my nuts are [ __ ]00:15:08
pissed so when i [ __ ] the lucky [ __ ] my00:15:11
nut removes her from the list another00:15:12
dumb [ __ ] bucket struck from my nut00:15:14
sucking suck it [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] bucket00:15:16
list00:15:18
yes you hear the influences chaucer00:15:21
keats00:15:22
um00:15:24
pages are blank i know it why am i lying00:15:26
to you00:15:29
[ __ ] can be white black brown pink or00:15:31
almond they can be skinny with big tits00:15:33
or be skinny with small ones [ __ ] can00:15:35
be perky preppy or posh with their00:15:36
brains and their clothes all shrunk from00:15:38
the wash excuse me00:15:45
but other [ __ ] are pretty and funny and00:15:47
smart00:15:50
these thoughts can lift all your00:15:51
thoughts from your dick to your heart00:15:53
they can talk about science music or art00:15:55
they can put you together00:15:56
or they can pull you apart but don't00:15:58
trust these [ __ ] don't00:16:00
don't you dare the force you trust them00:16:01
and love them and care and then they'll00:16:03
be gone and then you'll be aware of that00:16:05
hole in your heart that that dumb [ __ ]00:16:07
left there thank you very much00:16:09
so00:16:10
he was lashing out with sexist language00:16:12
because he had his heart broken we all00:16:14
learned something00:16:20
thank you all for coming um i know some00:16:22
of my bits are a little bit fast and00:16:24
dense a little bit hard to follow but00:16:25
particularly that one so i want to do00:16:26
something a little bit slower for the00:16:28
people maybe the older people in the00:16:29
crowd or something so um00:16:30
uh00:16:31
this for you uh here's a slow joke00:16:37
[Music]00:16:40
what did the ear of corn say when all of00:16:45
its clothes fell off00:16:50
shots00:16:53
get it00:16:57
like shucks00:16:59
as in chucking core00:17:02
and also shocks the explanation00:17:08
am i right00:17:14
good morning fun um00:17:18
my father recently told me that i act00:17:20
too flamboyant on stage and i said00:17:22
really dad prove it00:17:25
[Applause]00:17:28
he said what about that joke where you00:17:29
throw confetti at the end of it i said i00:17:30
haven't written that joke yet because00:17:31
it's based off this conversation00:17:34
gotcha00:17:39
keep it keep the00:17:44
struggle we're having a lot of fun guys00:17:47
don't worry about you don't have to feel00:17:48
the the silences with laughter or00:17:50
applause i don't want you leaving the00:17:52
show thinking my hands hurt from00:17:53
clapping my stomach hurts from laughing00:17:55
i just want you leaving the show00:17:56
thinking uh am i right00:18:01
and we're on our way00:18:03
i moved to um hollywood recently from00:18:06
boston where i grew up and places00:18:09
and i00:18:10
i i heard about these sort of wild00:18:12
hollywood party nights that people would00:18:13
have i didn't think they were true until00:18:15
i moved to hollywood and i started00:18:16
having them anyway this is a this is a00:18:18
song about a crazy night that happened a00:18:19
couple weeks ago it's called what did i00:18:21
do last night00:18:24
[Music]00:18:28
hey hey hey what did i do last night00:18:31
[Music]00:18:40
i cried myself to sleep00:18:44
[Applause]00:19:00
it was a good one00:19:06
when did my mother first describe gay00:19:08
sex to me good question i was eight00:19:09
years old00:19:13
i was eight years old00:19:15
she00:19:16
brought me into the dining room she sat00:19:17
right across the table from me00:19:19
she said do you know how your father and00:19:20
i love each other00:19:22
i said of course you and dad love each00:19:23
other00:19:24
more than two people in the world could00:19:26
possibly love each other00:19:28
she said well two men can love each00:19:29
other in the exact same way that your00:19:31
father and i love each other00:19:34
she said what happens when two men love00:19:36
each other like that00:19:38
what they do is they uh00:19:40
they take off all their clothes00:19:42
um they get in a bed00:19:44
and they [ __ ] on the bible00:19:57
so don't talk to her anymore okay00:20:03
hello patient 2460200:20:06
hi i'm sorry how are you feeling00:20:09
not great has the treatment been working00:20:12
no it hasn't been what are your00:20:13
remaining symptoms i just i i00:20:15
internalize my feelings i just i have00:20:17
trouble articulate other people and00:20:19
relating to them is just hard to the00:20:21
little [ __ ]00:20:22
ah real mature of you disembodied voice00:20:24
up there just joking [ __ ]00:20:27
we are right by oakland careful with00:20:29
that [ __ ] i'm not human i can say00:20:31
whatever i want all right just get to00:20:32
the what what's wrong with me what is00:20:34
wrong with me please00:20:35
your emotions and your logic are at war00:20:38
okay your creativity and your analysis00:20:41
are at war00:20:42
and most simply your left and right00:20:44
brain are at war my left and my right to00:20:47
fix the problem we must separate them00:20:49
from each other00:20:51
splitting your neurological functions in00:20:53
five00:20:54
four00:20:56
three we book an appointment you don't00:20:57
just start counting down00:20:59
this may hurt a bit i don't even00:21:10
[Music]00:21:12
isolation complete00:21:16
this is both left brain objective00:21:19
logical cold analytical aware of00:21:22
patterns aware of trends00:21:24
he's efficient00:21:26
and a prick00:21:28
this is bo's right brain00:21:30
subjective creative sensory aware of00:21:34
feelings aware of people he's emotional00:21:37
yes00:21:39
and an idiot it's your opinion so just00:21:41
okay careful with the pants00:21:46
i am the left brain i am the left brain00:21:48
i work really hard till my inevitable00:21:50
death brain you got a job to do you00:21:53
better do it right and the right way is00:21:56
with the left brains might i like oreos00:21:59
and [ __ ]00:22:01
yep00:22:02
and i cried for at least an hour after00:22:05
watching toy story 3. i am the right00:22:08
brain00:22:10
i have feelings00:22:13
i'm a little all over the place but i'm00:22:15
lustful trustful and i'm looking for00:22:17
somebody to love or put my penis here00:22:20
comes the female here comes a female00:22:22
puff your chest out take your phone and00:22:24
check your email our evolutionary00:22:26
purpose is repopulate so gather data now00:22:29
and see if she's a possible mate00:22:31
holy [ __ ] i think she might be the one00:22:35
there's something about her00:22:38
i just can't describe it00:22:42
tits00:22:43
i am the earth she's the glorious son00:22:47
i want her to trust me00:22:49
and i just want her to sit on my face00:22:51
sit00:22:53
all right now right brain you're being00:22:55
insane no left brain00:22:58
i'm just being alive00:23:00
you should try it00:23:02
you might like it00:23:05
i worked hard to give him everything he00:23:07
cared about you were worried about the00:23:09
things that he was scared about i'm calm00:23:11
and collected when you act wild i am the00:23:14
adult you are the child you think you're00:23:17
the right one every time00:23:21
you think you know everything00:23:24
you don't know anything00:23:26
at all00:23:28
half of his problems were supposed to be00:23:30
mine00:23:32
but you wanted everything00:23:35
i hope that you're happy cause he's sure00:23:38
not00:23:39
[Music]00:23:40
well according to my calculations00:23:43
you're a [ __ ] name calling really we're00:23:45
gonna do name calling i'm not calling00:23:47
names sort of stating facts and the fact00:23:48
is you're a quivering [ __ ] i'm the00:23:50
[ __ ] well at least i don't play with00:23:51
toys still okay rubik's cubes are not00:23:53
toys to keep my spatial reasoning skills00:23:55
sharp let brain play with the toys look00:23:58
at you jolly [ __ ]00:24:00
toy player at least i did my [ __ ] job00:24:04
i kept him working i kept him productive00:24:06
you were supposed to look after him00:24:08
you're supposed to keep him emotionally00:24:09
stable through all this now you're00:24:10
trying to blame me for how he's feeling00:24:12
how he's feeling if he's feeling unhappy00:24:14
it's because you failed him00:24:16
you did this to him he hates you i know00:24:18
he does he [ __ ] hates you00:24:28
right brain look i'm sorry00:24:32
no you're not00:24:34
[Music]00:24:43
look maybe there's something that we00:24:45
could do together00:24:50
together00:24:52
take the best parts of both of us00:24:55
put them00:24:58
together i'm listening00:25:02
it would let you let your feelings out00:25:04
you would let me analyze00:25:07
so you could man the themes i'll man the00:25:10
form00:25:12
it's something that george carlin did00:25:15
it's something that steve martin did00:25:17
it's something special that we could00:25:19
both perform00:25:21
do you know what it is00:25:23
juggling we could juggle and juggle our00:25:25
cares away00:25:33
it was comedy we could do comedy00:25:34
together initiate reassembly all right00:25:36
right brain we're gonna do comedy00:25:38
together all right all right all right00:25:39
let's bring i'll do comedy with you we00:25:41
can fix them like this we can make them00:25:42
happy again i promise00:25:44
left brain00:25:46
left brain i love you three00:25:48
two00:25:50
i know one00:25:51
[Music]00:25:52
experimentation complete thank you very00:25:54
much00:26:06
at this point of the show i'd like to00:26:07
talk about how deep i am00:26:12
i'm pretty [ __ ] deep deep deep00:26:16
[Music]00:26:23
so deep00:26:29
that i called this song00:26:30
[Music]00:26:36
deep00:26:41
[Music]00:26:49
have you ever stopped to watch a00:26:51
bluebird drop from a tree and take to00:26:54
the air00:26:56
me neither00:27:02
have you ever took time out to finish a00:27:05
rhyme but the right words just weren't00:27:07
there00:27:09
meet cleaver00:27:15
the people in my life were like grains00:27:20
of sand00:27:22
cause they stick together00:27:26
often near my butthole if life is an00:27:30
ocean00:27:31
i am a deep and handsome fish00:27:37
a fish that's drowning00:27:40
if the artistic process is the birth00:27:43
canal then i am a freshly jellied00:27:48
kid00:27:50
come witness my crowning00:27:54
these thoughts of mine00:27:56
[Music]00:27:57
must be a sign that is00:28:00
[Music]00:28:05
if jesus can walk on water00:28:07
can he swim on land00:28:12
have you ever00:28:14
accidentally peed on the toilet seat00:28:17
instead of on your girlfriend's face00:28:20
meaning00:28:24
me neither00:28:26
have you ever wrote a song note for note00:28:30
and not a single note was out of place00:28:32
[Music]00:28:36
the people in my life are like blades of00:28:41
grass00:28:42
how00:28:43
cause they're all so grounded but at00:28:46
least grass stays away from my bottle00:28:49
heart is the harlot00:28:52
and i am her sassy urban friend00:28:58
why you've been so selfish00:29:02
if mama is right and the world is my00:29:07
oyster then00:29:09
i00:29:10
must have an allergy to shame00:29:16
you don't know00:29:19
how could you know00:29:22
if life makes you wish you were00:29:27
dead00:29:28
just put on a good movie then promptly00:29:32
put a bullet in your head spin forever00:29:41
cause life pales in comparison to living00:29:45
the dream hashtag00:30:00
thank you00:30:01
[Applause]00:30:08
[Music]00:30:43
[Applause]00:30:46
[Music]00:31:10
so00:31:13
[Music]00:31:17
[Applause]00:31:26
[Music]00:31:46
[Applause]00:31:52
[Music]00:32:05
don't you hate it when that happens00:32:07
yeah00:32:08
thank you that's called beating off an a00:32:09
minor00:32:11
yes00:32:12
yes00:32:17
a minor the key not the felony um00:32:21
so00:32:25
i believe00:32:29
i believe there's nothing more manly one00:32:31
can do than take a shower with five00:32:32
other guys00:32:34
it's true it's early cavemen crow magnum00:32:36
wandering through the fog you know00:32:38
scrubbing five other sapiens no homo00:32:41
um we should oh00:32:44
i'd like to do a little uh do some um00:32:47
poems right now uh if that's okay just00:32:49
we're in the this point of the show um00:32:52
these poems are actually00:32:54
from i'm releasing this special for free00:32:56
so i'm going to plug my poetry book00:32:58
these are my new palms for my poetry00:32:59
book called egghead that will be out by00:33:01
the time this is airing but not by the00:33:03
time00:33:04
you guys are seated here right now so00:33:07
but uh00:33:08
it's good they're pretty serious and00:33:09
it's all just sort of00:33:11
this is sort of the lull of the show00:33:12
usually so i like to00:33:14
at this point sort of take the pressure00:33:15
off the audience00:33:17
and just read some poems and then we'll00:33:18
go back uh to the giggles so00:33:22
this is a poem by a dog roses or gray00:33:24
violets are a different shade of gray00:33:25
let's go chase cars00:33:30
[Applause]00:33:34
me00:33:35
with my strange choice of adjectives00:33:38
you00:33:39
with your muscular teeth and clockwise00:33:41
vagina00:33:44
[Applause]00:33:50
i put a chameleon on a red dildo00:33:58
[Applause]00:34:01
he blushed there we go00:34:04
[Applause]00:34:08
this is a poem about beauty00:34:10
about self-image and about the ability00:34:12
to transform00:34:14
martha was ugly like a shaven baboon so00:34:17
she wrapped herself up in a curtain00:34:18
cocoon00:34:19
and after a week she finally emerged she00:34:21
smelled like [ __ ] what a psycho00:34:26
[Applause]00:34:33
you're incomparable00:34:36
like a00:34:42
[Applause]00:34:50
i want to beat you to death with a blunt00:34:51
object00:34:53
i want to grab one of those high-end00:34:54
fashion mannequins by the ankles and00:34:56
bash your rib cage in00:34:58
i'm going to sharpen 50 pencils bind00:34:59
them with the rubber bands stick the lid00:35:01
in your mouth and punch the erasers00:35:03
i want to strap you to a bed of nails00:35:05
then strap that bit of nails to the hood00:35:06
of my car so i can watch you suffer as00:35:08
we drive over speed bumps in a mall00:35:09
parking lot during an earthquake00:35:12
i want you to somehow survive a terrible00:35:13
car crash and somehow not survive a00:35:15
small fender bender on the way back from00:35:16
the hospital00:35:19
thank you that's called dad00:35:23
[Applause]00:35:28
this is the poem it's really a story00:35:30
that's meant primarily for children but00:35:31
i think it's got a lesson we could all00:35:33
learn00:35:37
the squares lived happily00:35:39
in their square houses00:35:41
in their square yard in their square00:35:43
town00:35:44
but then one day a family of circles00:35:47
moved in from the west00:35:51
get out of here roundies00:35:54
shouted one of the squares00:35:57
why00:35:58
said one of the circles00:36:00
because this is a metaphor for racism00:36:03
um00:36:04
[Applause]00:36:08
when i walk into a party you'd think i00:36:10
was one of those long straight tetris00:36:12
pieces because everyone's just like oh00:36:14
yeah this guy's here finally we've been00:36:15
waiting for him to show up like you wait00:36:18
in the game forget it00:36:21
no00:36:22
you had your chance00:36:26
if i had a million dollars i'd pay your00:36:28
mother to have sex with me00:36:30
afterwards i'd probably invest the00:36:31
remaining 999 990 10 for sex with your00:36:35
mother comedy00:36:39
is i smell comedy well it was comedy00:36:41
giving off that scent00:36:46
and finally00:36:48
mid-october00:36:51
with leaves spilled like colored pencil00:36:53
shavings00:36:54
the streets dicing our town into neat00:36:57
unfair portions00:36:59
and me00:37:01
eating that [ __ ] baby thank you so much00:37:15
um00:37:17
there's things that i don't want to come00:37:18
across in my show00:37:20
that i worry often come across about me00:37:22
because people don't realize that it's00:37:23
an act up here i don't want you to ever00:37:25
think that i think i'm better than00:37:27
people or that i think i know better00:37:28
than people00:37:29
um anyway sorry okay00:37:32
uh this is a song from the perspective00:37:33
of god00:37:46
the books you think i wrote are way too00:37:49
thick00:37:52
who needs a thousand metaphors to figure00:37:55
out you shouldn't be a dick00:37:58
and i don't watch you when you sleep00:38:02
surprisingly i don't use my omnipotence00:38:06
to be a [ __ ] creep00:38:09
you're not going to heaven00:38:13
why the [ __ ] would you think i'd ever00:38:16
kick it with you00:38:18
none of you are going to heaven00:38:23
there's a trillion aliens cooler than00:38:27
you00:38:32
you shouldn't abstain from rape just00:38:34
cause you think that i want you to00:38:38
[Applause]00:38:40
you shouldn't rape cause rape is a00:38:42
[ __ ] up thing to do00:38:45
pretty obvious just don't [ __ ] rape00:38:46
people00:38:47
[Music]00:38:49
didn't think i had to write that one00:38:50
down for you00:38:56
i don't think masturbation is obscene00:39:01
it's absolutely natural and the weirdest00:39:04
[ __ ] thing i've ever seen00:39:06
you make my job a living hell00:39:09
i00:39:10
send gays to fix overpopulation00:39:14
boy did that go well00:39:17
you're not going to heaven00:39:21
eat a thousand crackers sing a million00:39:25
hymns none of you are going to heaven00:39:31
you're not my children you're a bad game00:39:35
of sim00:39:40
you shouldn't abstain from pork just00:39:42
cause you think that i want you to00:39:49
you can eat pork cause why the [ __ ]00:39:50
would i give a [ __ ]00:39:54
i created the universe think i'm drawing00:39:56
the line at the [ __ ] deli aisle00:39:59
[Music]00:40:06
you argue and you bicker and you fight00:40:12
atheists and catholics jews and hindus00:40:16
argue day and night00:40:18
over what they think is true00:40:22
but no one entertains the thought that00:40:24
maybe god does not believe in you00:40:28
you pray so badly for heaven00:40:32
knowing any day might be the day that00:40:36
you die but maybe life on earth could be00:40:40
heaven00:40:42
doesn't just the thought of it make it00:40:45
worth a try00:40:50
my love's the type of thing00:40:53
that you have to earn and when you earn00:40:56
it you won't need it oh my love's the00:41:00
type of thing00:41:02
that you have to earn and when you earn00:41:06
it00:41:07
you won't need it00:41:09
i'm not gonna give you love just cause i00:41:12
know that you want me to00:41:18
if you want love then the love has got00:41:20
to come from you00:41:30
[Applause]00:41:33
[Music]00:41:35
walking between the microphones00:41:38
is really awkward tell me about it00:41:41
um00:41:47
women are stupid00:41:51
yeah i [ __ ] said it00:41:53
the weaker dumber sex00:41:56
i can prove it to you i like to practice00:41:58
safe sex why because i'm a guy and i'm00:42:00
smarter what do women say every time00:42:03
every time i put on a condom what do00:42:04
they say00:42:05
why are you wearing a condom if i'm00:42:06
[ __ ] you with a strap on to be safe00:42:08
[ __ ]00:42:09
women right they're the dumb one00:42:12
[Applause]00:42:19
it's time for a story let's do a story00:42:21
it's time for a story it's time for a00:42:24
story a very special story especially00:42:27
for you it's time for a story it's time00:42:30
for a story sit down and listen now00:42:33
don't be a jew this story is called andy00:42:36
that's a glitch you can be jewish this00:42:38
story00:42:40
this story is called andy the frog00:42:42
featuring long and convoluted similes00:42:45
and i'll warn you when one of those long00:42:47
convoluted similes rears its old uh head00:42:50
so here we go once upon a time there was00:42:52
a frog named andy00:42:54
andy lived at the patton park pond it00:42:56
had never hopped anywhere else in his00:42:57
entire frog life00:42:59
he had three best friends millie who00:43:01
never left her lily pad00:43:03
billy who was always hopping mad00:43:06
and roger who was arrested for00:43:08
possession of tadpole porn so one day00:43:12
one day00:43:13
andy saw something hop across the grass00:43:15
on the other side of the pond millie00:43:16
billy roger looks at andy00:43:19
across the pond stood the most beautiful00:43:21
frog and he'd ever seen00:43:23
she's gorgeous said millie she's00:43:25
beautiful said billy bit old for my00:43:28
taste said roger classic roger00:43:32
and then she was gone i need to go find00:43:34
her standing i need to follow my little00:43:35
frog heart so andy followed the00:43:37
beautiful frog's footsteps into the00:43:38
forest he then came across a turtle you00:43:41
can't pass said the turtle please said00:43:44
andy no said the turtle and uh this is00:43:46
the first long convoluted simile then00:43:49
there was a rustling in the bushes and00:43:51
like a man who had been shot in the00:43:52
chest with a rifle the turtle was shot00:43:54
in the chest with a rifle00:43:58
[Applause]00:44:01
andy kept moving but at this point like00:44:03
the doctor of the kenyan track team his00:44:05
patience ran thin00:44:07
and he kept moving00:44:11
he then came across a giant crocodile in00:44:13
the crocodile began to chant i woke up00:44:15
this morning and i sat on a log i opened00:44:17
up the menu the menu said frog00:44:19
andy said no no please like call me i00:44:21
can feel myself dying you're ripping out00:44:23
my inside i'm never going to find her am00:44:24
i there's no god is there [ __ ] [ __ ]00:44:27
the end the end so that's the end of00:44:29
that story00:44:30
um00:44:40
yeah if you're curious the moral of that00:44:42
story is irrelevant because we're humans00:44:44
why00:44:45
would it apply to us00:44:49
um you know my father is so hard to get00:44:51
along with because he's such a man's man00:44:53
you know he believes like for example00:44:55
you should always fight fire with fire00:44:57
which is a horrible way to live your00:44:59
life um especially for him because he's00:45:00
a firefighter so00:45:02
um00:45:03
he was fired that was as stupid as we00:45:05
get but let's get a little stupider huh00:45:09
there's a creepy old man fishing in the00:45:10
park and the only problem is he tied a00:45:13
candy bar to the end of his line he's00:45:15
trying to catch a kid00:45:18
you know that stuff00:45:20
trying to get a little more mainstream00:45:26
um00:45:27
people complain about the way act on00:45:28
stage very often you know they say like00:45:30
i repeat jokes or they also say that00:45:35
they say they don't get again that this00:45:37
is an act on stage they think on stage i00:45:39
act too arrogant to self-obsessed00:45:41
solipsistic self-contained synonyms and00:45:43
they want me to be00:45:45
they want me to be a comic of the people00:45:47
you know relate to the people with the00:45:48
overarching glue of comedy so i want to00:45:51
do a little bit of a relatable comedy00:45:53
for you guys i'm like you guys you know00:45:54
once a week i like to slip into a deep00:45:55
existential depression where i lose all00:45:57
my sense of oneness and self-worth00:45:59
and what i'd like to do in order to00:46:00
assure myself that i am unique i'm not00:46:02
just one of many small white00:46:03
indistinguishable perfectly cylindric00:46:05
checker pieces and jesus and satan's00:46:07
backgammon game00:46:08
is i will i'll say a group of words that00:46:11
i think no one has ever said in that00:46:13
order so that00:46:15
when i say it i feel like look at me00:46:17
participating in this new moment that no00:46:18
one's ever been a part of so i'll say00:46:20
something random like uh like peanut00:46:22
butter tribatism or i'm your father and00:46:24
i loved your comedy show00:46:32
or at first i wasn't comfortable leaving00:46:34
him alone with my children but then i00:46:36
saw his mustache phew or uh00:46:40
or yo check out this amish website00:46:42
or um00:46:46
or i work at a toll booth and i don't00:46:47
want to kill myself or that's00:46:50
too too real00:46:54
oh yo man likes about three things man00:46:56
three things getting money getting [ __ ]00:46:59
and the dewey decimal system or uh00:47:02
[Applause]00:47:08
or hey can you hold my fanny pack i'm00:47:10
gonna go [ __ ] a woman00:47:13
[Applause]00:47:23
if i could break i i00:47:26
i want to thank you all for being here00:47:27
because uh i mean it i'm so grateful00:47:30
that you'd all come here and spend an00:47:31
hour of your time with me and if you're00:47:33
watching at home or whatever on a00:47:35
computer or something uh if you've made00:47:36
it this far thank you very much for00:47:38
watching genuinely i this is my favorite00:47:39
thing to do00:47:40
and i'm so grateful for people watching00:47:43
it and enjoying it um okay00:47:46
i will now recede back into my stage00:47:47
persona00:47:49
[Music]00:47:51
i just blacked out for 20 seconds00:47:56
thank you for coming00:48:00
love songs used to be so beautiful00:48:03
you know let us go then you and i00:48:05
when the evening is spread out against00:48:07
the sky like a patient it thrives upon a00:48:09
table tears elliott beautiful00:48:11
love songs nowadays just as beautiful00:48:13
guys00:48:15
usher justin bieber 1d you know them00:48:19
but these new artists they've done00:48:20
something very strange to the format of00:48:22
the love song they've changed it a bit00:48:24
i tried to00:48:25
capture how they've changed the format00:48:27
of the love song00:48:28
with this love song i hope you enjoy it00:48:30
and mark the differences00:48:33
[Music]00:48:37
jason derulo00:48:39
[Music] [Applause]00:48:40
[Music]00:48:41
[Applause]00:48:42
[Music]00:48:47
i love your hair i love your name i love00:48:49
the way you say it i love your heart and00:48:50
you're so smart cause you gave away it i00:48:52
love your sis i love your dad i love00:48:54
your mom but more than all of that i00:48:56
love the fact that you are dumb enough00:48:58
to not realize everything i've said has00:49:02
been said before in a thousand ways in a00:49:04
thousand songs some with the same four00:49:07
chords but you'll still love it and let00:49:09
me finger you00:49:10
yeah finger you finger you oh girl i00:49:14
hope you don't think that i'm rude00:49:16
when i tell you that i love you boo00:49:18
i also hope that you don't see through00:49:22
this cleverly constructed ruse designed00:49:25
by a marketing team cashing in on00:49:27
puberty and low self-esteem and girls00:49:30
desperate need to feel loved in00:49:34
america says we love a chorus but don't00:49:37
get complicated and bore us the meaning00:49:40
might be missing we need to know the00:49:42
words after just one listen so repeat00:49:45
stuff repeat that repeat that for deep00:49:47
set repeat that repeats that repeats00:49:50
that repeats that for pizza repeats that00:49:53
yeah oh you know it00:49:59
i love my baby and you know i couldn't00:50:01
live without her but now i need to make00:50:03
every girl think this song's about her00:50:05
just to make sure that they spread it00:50:06
like the plague so i describe my dream00:50:08
girl is really really vague like i love00:50:10
your hands cause your fingerprints are00:50:12
like no other i love your eyes and their00:50:14
blueish brownish greenish color i love00:50:16
it when you smile that you smile wide00:50:18
and i love how your torso has an arm on00:50:20
either side now if you're my agent you00:50:23
might be thinking oh no sound the alarms00:50:27
you're not appealing to little girls who00:50:30
don't have arms but they can use itunes00:50:32
so00:50:33
[ __ ] em who needs up oh girl oh hello00:50:38
satan00:50:41
[Music]00:50:45
repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff00:50:47
repeat stuff repeat stuff00:50:52
everybody come on louder i can't hear00:50:55
you00:51:00
[Applause]00:51:04
[Music]00:51:13
young ones listen up i'm in magazines00:51:18
full of model teens so far above00:51:22
you00:51:23
[Music]00:51:26
so read them and hate yourself00:51:31
then pay me to tell you i love you00:51:36
[Music]00:51:38
and your parents will always come along00:51:44
because their little girl is in love00:51:47
and how could love wrong00:51:52
how could love be wrong00:51:58
when you repeat stuff repeat stuff00:52:00
repeat stuff for pizza00:52:07
[Music]00:52:11
we know it's not funny but we'll stop00:52:14
beating this dead horse when it stops00:52:16
spitting out money00:52:19
but until then00:52:21
we will repeat stuff00:52:23
[Applause] [Music]00:52:40
uh thank you so much you guys have been00:52:42
um you guys have been absolutely00:52:44
amazing you've been absolutely amazing00:52:47
uh00:52:48
that's the end of the show i probably00:52:49
should have00:52:50
ended it on a sort of higher note there00:52:52
but uh yeah that's the end of what i00:52:53
hope you liked it but00:52:55
oh my god00:52:56
how are you i haven't seen you since00:52:58
like freshman year oh my god00:53:01
you're so like skinny and weird back00:53:03
then uh but now you're um00:53:06
anyway00:53:07
um you should totally come to this party00:53:09
i'm having tonight with a bunch of my00:53:10
college friends00:53:12
um it's gonna be00:53:13
off the chain hook it's gonna be so good00:53:15
he can play some songs for us or00:53:18
something um i've been telling everybody00:53:20
how good of friends we were uh back in00:53:22
the day um i know we never talked or00:53:26
hung out ever but um i think that's what00:53:28
made our friendship so special you know00:53:31
anyway text me okay bye00:53:34
mr burnham how you doing good good uh00:53:38
i'm a i'm an agent from out in los00:53:40
angeles uh really dig your stuff man00:53:42
it's it's out there you know i totally00:53:44
get it uh and the best part about it man00:53:46
you got all these young fans uh and00:53:48
which is great because young people00:53:50
they're they're very passionate they're00:53:51
very they're very reliable consumers00:53:54
about what you got to do in order to00:53:55
take your career to the next level you00:53:57
got to cater more heavily to them all00:53:59
right we've done studies young people do00:54:01
not respond to this you know00:54:02
introspective material or these00:54:05
challenges to the form you know00:54:07
young people want jokes they can relate00:54:09
to okay so00:54:10
write a write a silly song about00:54:12
facebook you know write some write some00:54:14
jokes about uh twitter or or sugary00:54:17
cereals or razor scooters relate to them00:54:21
you know also you gotta reestablish your00:54:22
presence on the internet buddy all right00:54:24
it's not important whether the material00:54:25
is good or not what's important is that00:54:27
you keep the bo burnham brand alive and00:54:29
well00:54:30
you get it we'll discuss more later i00:54:32
know it's a lot uh my number is uh00:54:34
310-555000:54:36
[Music]00:54:40
what up dude what's up how are you man00:54:43
you've changed bro00:54:45
you've changed00:54:47
i never knew you but uh my friend's old00:54:49
roommate's friend said he knew you in00:54:50
high school and you became a real00:54:52
[ __ ] once all this comedy stuff00:54:54
started happening what is it man you00:54:55
think you're better than us i think00:54:57
you're better than us just because00:54:58
you're tall00:54:59
whoa congrats man you're tall00:55:02
wow that's incredible you want a trophy00:55:04
for being tall you want to we should00:55:07
just give trophies to tall things and00:55:09
every tree and building will have a00:55:11
trophy does that make sense00:55:14
yeah why are you acting all quiet and00:55:16
weird right now00:55:17
yo i know why you are it's cause you're00:55:19
an arrogant prick that's why an arrogant00:55:21
[ __ ] prick00:55:23
i once heard that you actually act quiet00:55:25
because you're shy and introverted in00:55:27
real life and that people shouldn't00:55:28
expect you to act the same way off stage00:55:30
as you do on stage00:55:32
yeah00:55:33
yeah it makes no sense00:55:35
anyway you want to buy some weed00:55:38
bow oh my god00:55:41
bo oh my god00:55:45
bow00:56:00
oh my god mr burnham00:56:04
oh my god mr burnham00:56:06
[Applause]00:56:08
oh my god mister mister mr bag00:56:12
oh my god mr bank mr mr00:56:27
lord of darkness00:56:33
[Applause]00:56:41
god00:56:46
hey what the hell00:56:48
oh hey00:56:49
hey you're not going to hit the girl00:56:51
that's sexist00:56:55
we think you've changed bro we know best00:56:58
you [ __ ] we think you've changed bro we00:57:00
know best you suck we think we know you00:57:04
we think we know you we think we know00:57:07
you we think we know you we think we00:57:10
know you we think we know you we think00:57:14
we know you we think we know you we00:57:17
think we know yeah we think we know00:57:21
we think we know00:57:23
we think we know00:57:32
[Music]00:57:39
we think we know00:57:41
we think we know00:57:49
yeah we00:57:53
[Music]00:58:13
oh my god00:58:15
[Music]00:58:23
[Applause]00:58:24
[Music]00:58:43
[Applause]00:58:44
[Music]00:59:09
mr burnham00:59:12
what are you going to school in the fall00:59:15
going to school this year00:59:17
no you leave it out00:59:20
and i stay at my school yeah right who's00:59:24
your teacher gonna be00:59:26
mrs blanket who00:59:28
mrs blanket00:59:30
this is boynton00:59:33
mrs blind is going to be mrs blanket oh00:59:38
my god that's my friend00:59:40
that's my teacher00:59:42
and then and that's my teacher mrs00:59:46
blanken rosie what do you think you're00:59:48
going to do at school00:59:54
and in the fruit track00:59:56
and00:59:57
and ticker00:59:59
and01:00:00
and01:00:02
all of my stuff and all my stuff and01:00:05
banana01:00:06
yeah i know you're gonna eat some snacks01:00:08
but what else are you gonna do there01:00:10
have a drinkDescription:
what. I hope you enjoy it. buy the CD here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/what./id773753940 or get my poetry book here: http://www.amazon.com/Egghead-Cant-Survive-Ideas-Alone/dp/1455519146 Thanks for watching!
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