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Video tags
Subtitles
00:00:00
people think standup is synonymous with00:00:02
like crowd work like that was never it00:00:04
that's your guys thing you're like can I00:00:05
get a topic from the audience like we00:00:07
don't yeah but you guys like where's00:00:09
where's everybody00:00:12
from b b look I've had a streak these00:00:16
last couple weeks of some hot takes on00:00:19
the podcast that have gotten me in a lot00:00:20
of00:00:21
trouble in the YouTube comments but I00:00:24
have a real hot take right now okay this00:00:27
is my problem with you uh oh let's00:00:30
wrestle in the mud I don't know how this00:00:31
is going to land I it's not Landing00:00:34
great in my head right now okay be00:00:35
careful cuz I might00:00:37
cry you make me think I might be00:00:42
gay it's the Jersey honey I don't know00:00:44
what it is on my lap for a little while00:00:46
every time I let me tell you about00:00:47
hockey this it's I'm not gay I we've00:00:52
been through this I dated a woman I00:00:54
tried to be gay it didn't take it was00:00:56
too many voice memos I couldn't when was00:00:58
this um January oh so fresh yeah well00:01:02
wait hold on last January sorry still00:01:04
extremely fresh yeah we were fresh00:01:06
lesbians dude maybe I could be a lesbi00:01:08
maybe I could date a woman I can't date00:01:10
a woman who's messy oh okay which women00:01:13
are not many I those are the ones that00:01:16
are attracted to the double Virgo over00:01:17
here that's what I attract I attract a00:01:20
woman that's like Mommy Mommy and it was00:01:22
just like is this a Wet n Wild glitter00:01:23
nail polish from ' 82 like I feel like00:01:26
we can throw this out I spent most of my00:01:27
time being a closet organizer wow I love00:01:30
that yeah so00:01:32
what okay not a closet it's a museum00:01:35
okay okay we are in a museum currently00:01:37
so wow so you got all the way down the00:01:39
line with her that you were clean I want00:01:40
to do that too okay we're doing00:01:41
crisscross apples sace yeah yeah we are00:01:43
we did it okay nailed it um so so I love00:01:46
that what we do for a living we can just00:01:47
like sit crossle it he00:01:50
he I was at her house and I was just00:01:52
like you can't live this way like I00:01:55
can't be physically intimate with00:01:56
somebody you must do that with men00:01:58
though men then there's not that much to00:02:01
organize it's like two bars of Irish00:02:04
Spring soap and a couple washcloths that00:02:06
got to go beard dye on the carpet no00:02:08
beard dye on the carpet no there's no I00:02:10
don't do beard dye I don't do men's00:02:12
makeup I'm like if you're going to be a00:02:14
man I need your moles to have like pubes00:02:16
coming out of them I don't want to see a00:02:17
tweezer about curled eyelashes no we're00:02:19
not doing it you won't know if he did it00:02:20
NOP I'll know you can't you won't be a00:02:22
to tell I'll know oh I'll I always know00:02:26
I don't like men beautifying themselves00:02:28
I can't I I do like a man to start to00:02:32
date a man who's like all like super00:02:34
edrine disruptor guy like all the Old00:02:37
Spice and all the super chemically stuff00:02:39
and then I introduce him to like the00:02:40
more natural versions of stuff I love00:02:44
here's something about me and this will00:02:45
probably be thrown in prison let's go if00:02:48
I'm I do anything to hang out with00:02:49
galain what do I have to do to get00:02:51
thrown in prison where she is if I'm on00:02:52
a bus or someway or something and a00:02:54
group of teen boys walks on and they are00:02:56
drenched in ax bodies spray I'm like up00:02:59
guys00:03:01
like you just love the smell I love the00:03:03
smell I don't just love the smell of ax00:03:05
I love it when it's like it's too much00:03:07
like you've used the whole cam uh uh I00:03:10
don't know what it I think it's like it00:03:11
must be the chemical and I'm like that00:03:14
for girl sense too like the really heavy00:03:16
vanilla the Trashy dude I I still wear00:03:20
white Musk from the body shop and when I00:03:22
do every man in the vicinity falls falls00:03:26
in love with me and I'm like no no00:03:28
you're not in love with me this is just00:03:29
what you're first girlfriend wore like00:03:31
you lost your virginity inhaling this00:03:32
okay I'm dying to wear this but I feel00:03:34
like the women in my life are coming for00:03:36
me when I go for like baby slut smells00:03:39
like when I you need to get new friends00:03:40
because they're like that's not what the00:03:42
girl you know how they like women dress00:03:43
for women I feel like also women sniff00:03:44
for women sniffs and so when I try to00:03:47
sniff for me I'm getting like kind of00:03:49
sniff shamed from my okay that's very00:03:53
interesting because I agree with you00:03:55
like you can't wear pink sugar around00:03:56
your girlfriends they're like why are00:03:57
you wearing this trash stripper shit00:03:59
it's like but why you need me to smell00:04:00
like Smoky wood no totally direction00:04:04
we're going everyone wants to smell like00:04:06
something everyone wants to smell like00:04:08
yoga or something no I smell like a a00:04:11
two bit Floy at all I want smell just00:04:13
like a little cookie like I want I want00:04:14
I want to be like o Grandma's home like00:04:16
oh like who's like what's comforting all00:04:19
sudden so what happens when you're when00:04:21
you wear like like ho smells well I00:04:24
don't have a lot of host Ms cuz I find00:04:25
out I I and weirdly I've been getting00:04:28
host Ms marketed to me through t to00:04:30
which I can't sniff what they're talking00:04:31
about but when they're talking about it00:04:33
like I apparently Billy ish has a smell00:04:35
that's kind of a ho smell oh yeah she00:04:37
and it's like at Ulta or whatever okay00:04:40
have you smell you haven't I've only00:04:41
heard the teens talk about it on Tik Tok00:04:42
which has shown me that I need to go buy00:04:44
it yeah how do you describe a that's a00:04:46
trick so they're just like you should00:04:48
yeah that's what they do I don't know00:04:49
that's my algorithm it's just girls00:04:51
explaining smells to me dude I don't I00:04:53
this makes me miss magazines because00:04:54
remember there would be like a perfume00:04:56
sample in a magazine and you would just00:04:58
like casually but am I wrong or did it00:05:00
always just smell like magazine but you00:05:02
would just be00:05:03
like to me though you just be like it00:05:07
smell was like the smell of laminated00:05:09
paper always I don't know if I was00:05:10
getting like old ass magazines but I00:05:12
never really smelled the smell it did00:05:13
smell like a00:05:15
magazine you're exactly right but I00:05:17
never thought to smear it on myself like00:05:19
I would save it for before like you know00:05:22
I don't know save it like the whole00:05:24
magazine and you'd have it like I like00:05:26
tear out the pages and then if I was00:05:28
going to like go to a sleepover where00:05:29
boys might be I would just be like sleep00:05:31
over where boys might be what what kind00:05:33
of Life did you00:05:34
live wow that's a com as it was00:05:37
different in Canada dude I also need to00:05:39
ask you about this like I okay so do you00:05:41
want to say tell everyone how we met oh00:05:44
yeah you were the first person to ever00:05:46
give me a job in La do you know that I00:05:49
got I really got a good picker I gotta00:05:51
say not with men with aen wow yeah um00:05:56
you invited me up to your hotel room and00:05:58
you said I'm going to make you a star00:06:00
so the first day I showed up for00:06:02
auditions and I think I got it because I00:06:04
sabotaged everyone else in the room00:06:06
because my audition was like at 9:0000:06:08
a.m. or something I think they were like00:06:10
first yeah in the callbacks and then00:06:12
when I went in you were there and I was00:06:14
so confuddled and Star Struck and when I00:06:17
went back out into the room there it had00:06:19
filled up with like now 15 other women00:06:22
that hadn't been there when I left and00:06:23
then when I came out I was like com is00:06:25
in there and so I feel like it sabotaged00:06:27
everyone else because then everyone00:06:28
probably went in and was like 5 seven00:06:31
Bas in La what I got to go in like not00:06:33
knowing you were in there so I felt fine00:06:35
that's so funny I one time went to an00:06:37
audition when I first moved to LA and00:06:38
Will Smith was there uh did he smack you00:06:41
I he did not smack me I was not a famous00:06:43
comedian yet and he I walked in the room00:06:46
and it was like his production company00:06:48
or something and I was like all ready to00:06:49
audition whatever and I walked in and I00:06:50
saw him and I just went oh come on like00:06:53
I was that's a fun energy that's very00:06:54
Charlie very Charli Charlie girl Charlie00:06:57
girl that's very Charlie girl come on00:07:00
all the most famous people are here this00:07:01
sucks but it was just like give me a00:07:04
head I was annoyed that I didn't have a00:07:06
heads up no wouldn't you have been worse00:07:07
if you had a heads up well I was I just00:07:09
was like oh come on like could you tell00:07:11
me like I was just thrown granted I had00:07:14
never been in the same room as like a00:07:16
celebrity and you're in this tiny room00:07:18
and I just was like and you know when00:07:19
you see like a very big celebrity in00:07:21
person they look like seen one right now00:07:23
honey I mean Hey girl no like a Will00:07:26
Smith type you know when you see them in00:07:28
person sometimes they look like a wax00:07:31
figure of That Celebrity or they look00:07:32
like a teeny teeny billy goat of00:07:34
themselves because you're like in my00:07:35
mind you're such a giant that is the00:07:38
other thing and also I do be finding00:07:40
that the women of Hollywood their bones00:07:42
are so little they're skeletons I'm not00:07:45
just saying they're skinny I'm saying00:07:46
like skeleton shrunk down in a shrinking00:07:48
microwave like Honey I Shrunk the lady00:07:51
you see their kneecaps are like little00:07:53
Thimbles and they are they're like these00:07:55
like feeble um marionette dolls and00:07:58
you're just like like a could blow them00:07:59
over they're just so and I feel like00:08:01
that's why they're allowed to fit on the00:08:02
TV because they're so small and the men00:08:05
are small too it's honestly like they00:08:06
save money by not using a WID screen on00:08:08
these people or I don't know that's so00:08:10
or I don't know what but some of them00:08:11
just get so famous and I don't know if00:08:13
it's just like they have different water00:08:14
skin treatments dabbling in Scientology00:08:16
but like their skin is different I know00:08:18
their skin is so tight to their little00:08:19
skulls it's different than you've ever00:08:21
seen so different every so it's like I00:08:22
saw Will Smith and I was just like that00:08:24
like literally fuck it was such a slap00:08:27
in the face will to like and I was so00:08:29
nervous and totally bombed it you did00:08:31
yeah was it for to play the basketball00:08:33
in fresh prins of that was it that was00:08:36
actually that's crazy cuz I always say00:08:37
you have like kind of a little basketball body just so small so you00:08:40
could just D down the stairs little00:08:42
basketball body so you came in you were00:08:45
I I know always know someone's a star00:08:48
like I literally just like looked I was00:08:50
like that girl's a star no you didn't oh00:08:52
I swear to God ask anyone I was like she00:08:54
is a star which is like I love like00:08:57
being like an old like I'm like that's00:08:59
the she got it honey that's the next00:09:01
Shirley Temple yes see she just walked00:09:04
in and she say she's got it yes see00:09:06
that's so funny you say Shirley Temple00:09:07
because I do remember my I scrapped the00:09:09
pages that you guys have written for the00:09:10
audition I just Good Ship Lollipop and00:09:14
then you started twerking on grown man00:09:15
yeah and I was stuck in my little thumb00:09:17
and everyone00:09:19
like and you were like just I I think00:09:22
for me when I'm casing somebody I'm like00:09:24
who's going to make my job really easy00:09:26
that's so sweet and then I was like I00:09:27
will not have to do anything if made my00:09:29
job I mean that I think you might have00:09:31
been like one of the first female00:09:32
directors that I even had I don't see00:09:34
gender but okay okay00:09:37
so so okay well I know you don't see it00:09:40
so you're not a woman and you're not a00:09:41
man you're at00:09:42
basketball so but I remember you made it00:09:44
so fun and easy because also on the set00:09:46
there was a scene where I had to be00:09:47
woken up by the dog I had like a beef00:09:50
sauce on my face so that the dog would00:09:51
want to lick my face okay so by the way00:09:52
this was a series of short films that00:09:55
was for a vet uh a company that's a00:09:58
veterinarian company00:10:00
vet a vet VCA VCA like a string of vets00:10:03
okay and so they asked me about it and I00:10:05
remember like oh I'm I going to direct00:10:07
short films and I was like there's00:10:08
animals and like a lot of times when00:10:09
there's animals involved they're not00:10:10
treated well so I was like let me just00:10:11
do this but the message of the films was00:10:13
how to properly care for your animals00:10:15
and not exploit them totally so bit00:10:17
ironic totally so exactly and then00:10:19
there's but I made sure none of that00:10:20
happened so we were trying to figure out00:10:21
the humane way to shoot with dogs and00:10:23
stuff and I guess the humane way for00:10:25
dogs is inhumane to humans which I'm00:10:28
fine with oh that's interesting so you00:10:30
mean like normally there the dog would00:10:31
have just been trained to come up and00:10:32
lick my face but we had incentivized00:10:34
with beef yes so we had to00:10:37
humiliate in order to make the dog I00:10:39
actually love that so then it's like the00:10:41
dog isn't really trained it's just00:10:43
wanting the beef yes so there's a high00:10:45
chance it could have bit your nose off00:10:46
and ruin your face didn't tell you that00:10:48
you could use a scar too honestly you're00:10:50
a little too symmetrical in my opinion00:10:52
but wait so so we put like beef jerky on00:10:55
in your mouth it was beef baby food and00:10:56
it was all over my face and I had to lay00:10:58
in this bed and I was allowed to get00:10:59
beef on the pillow tailes all this time00:11:02
and so I had to pretend to be sleeping00:11:03
but like with my head like kind of00:11:04
hovering off of it and then the dog00:11:06
would jump up and lick my face but I was00:11:08
also kind of like contorted in this00:11:09
position I was wearing these little tiny00:11:11
pajama shorts and I could feel that was00:11:13
my call no see this is I know how to get00:11:15
people to watch a a short if you can00:11:18
find it enjoy it but I did feel like my00:11:21
butt cheeks were hanging out so I kept00:11:22
like that was by Design but no then you00:11:25
came halfway through like on beef T 3300:11:28
you were like these shorts UNC comfy and00:11:30
I was like yeah and then you were like00:11:32
who the fuck put her in these little00:11:33
shorts like she's not comfy and I was00:11:35
like that's the first time anyone ever00:11:37
treated me like good oh my God and00:11:40
you're like do you have sweats or00:11:41
something in your trailer and I was like00:11:42
yeah and you said you could go put those00:11:44
on I it was just like a medical miracle00:11:46
to me that someone would acknowledge00:11:47
that I was uncomfortable I'm sorry it00:11:49
took 3300:11:51
takes yeah and between them you were00:11:53
like oh we got to clean up your face so00:11:54
you were licking the beef off my cheeks00:11:56
and I was really uncomfortable but you00:11:57
insisted on doing it yourself look I'm00:11:59
just very I do my own stunts very00:12:00
Hands-On yeah yeah I to me it's like it00:12:03
is so wild how humiliating and00:12:05
uncomfortable being a performer can be00:12:08
like for no reason totally for no reason00:12:11
like it's like if you're like you need00:12:12
to jump in this cold ocean for the shot00:12:13
it's going to suck that's there's no00:12:15
other way to do it but when it's just00:12:17
like someone's uncomfortable for no00:12:19
reason exactly and I think I saw you00:12:21
like fussing with it and sometimes it's00:12:23
the kind of thing where if a guy said it00:12:25
he'd be a pervert like maybe a guy could00:12:28
I feel like a man would00:12:29
see like wouldn't see something say00:12:31
something like just so far beyond the00:12:33
realm they're more like looking at the00:12:35
sh that's why women make better00:12:36
directors because we can multitask we00:12:38
see everything all at once it's like00:12:39
we're reading the emotional space of the00:12:41
room how the actors are feeling what the00:12:43
shot looks like what the SAT you know00:12:45
but men are just like the shot looks00:12:47
like this good for me Dylan and I00:12:49
remember having an amazing DP I think00:12:50
it's a great when a woman's a director00:12:52
and a guy's the DP not that I mean Alec00:12:54
Balwin killed all the female DPS in00:12:56
Hollywood so um what choice do we have00:12:58
but um there's I umbrella Insurance what00:13:00
is he going to sue me I mean get line00:13:01
but uh he like I had a great DP who was00:13:04
like dealing with all the technicals so00:13:05
I could just figure out like how to make00:13:06
the actor comfortable because it's like00:13:08
that's what's so crazy is that like you00:13:10
become a good actor you work your ass00:13:12
off to be like present and to be quick00:13:14
and to be effervescent and fun and then00:13:15
you're in a completely uncomfortable00:13:16
situation where you can't do your best00:13:17
work I just feel like directors the best00:13:20
version of me showing up is to figure00:13:21
out how to just make it the most00:13:22
comfortable environment possible so you00:13:24
can do what you do yes you know have you00:13:26
ever been really uncomfy on set oh my00:13:27
God you to wear something stupid well00:13:29
yeah there was this scene I was doing00:13:31
once it was a sex scene with Brett00:13:33
Goldstein and for what I wonder if I00:13:36
have to ask him about this it was a00:13:38
pilot for HBO and he played my boyfriend00:13:41
and he had to spit in my face it was it00:13:45
was just a personal goal of mine and00:13:47
there was this like he had to keep00:13:49
spitting in my face and real spit yeah00:13:52
it was a real spit it was like some like00:13:53
silicone gel or something did it taste00:13:56
good it I didn't eat the he spit in my00:13:58
face I00:14:01
like good to know what you do when men00:14:03
spit in your00:14:05
face well I don't look a gift horse in00:14:08
the mouth I'm thankful for what I get00:14:10
and so I uh I had to like take it and00:14:14
not laugh was it a sexy spit or like he00:14:16
you were fighting and he like it was a00:14:18
show about what happens when a couple00:14:20
that's been together for a while the00:14:22
female in the relationship gets00:14:24
successful and all of a sudden is making00:14:25
more money and the guy feels insecure00:14:27
and in order to like restore the power00:14:29
Dynamic has to kind of like do all these00:14:31
like it's not his fault but he's trying00:14:33
to like restore the power dynamic in00:14:34
other ways okay but it was like a sexy00:14:36
thing yes okay yes but it was like00:14:39
horrifying to my character in the show00:14:43
you know so it was like when you're in a00:14:45
relationship this happened to me when00:14:46
you're in a relationship and then you00:14:47
get successful and then all of a sudden00:14:48
the guy's like choking you and fish00:14:50
hooking you and spitting in your face00:14:51
and stuff to like make up for the fact00:14:53
that you have a Tesla and he doesn't wow00:14:55
yeah your eyebrows are unbelievable you00:14:57
think so yeah it's shocking but I'm00:14:59
always so insecure about them I always00:15:01
trying to like finger them up like that00:15:03
because I feel like they they like to go00:15:04
like throughout the day don't take this00:15:06
the wrong way oh I'll cry but if the00:15:10
aliens made fake people to Traverse and00:15:16
spy would she not be like exhibit a00:15:21
speci don't you think the aliens want an00:15:22
improv girly yeah we're better to hide00:15:26
an alien than it us to be yeah because00:15:29
no one will listen to a woman in improv00:15:30
no one will ever see her where do we00:15:33
hide our a spy alien where is some a00:15:37
woman basically invisible yeah on a cast00:15:40
with 12 other men yes yes sing her way00:15:43
through life but like there is something00:15:45
that I wondered about you even when we00:15:47
worked together which is like you're00:15:48
from Canada yes00:15:51
you're Canada's whatever you ate growing00:15:54
up the way you lit you look different00:15:55
than most humans how can you say that00:15:58
whitne you had a robot made after you00:16:00
and most people thought the robot was00:16:02
you that was because of its personality00:16:05
not because of its00:16:07
look okay I mean I like it's just the00:16:09
dental care like you guys have dental00:16:11
care yes so do you don't you I thought00:16:14
the Brits were the only ones who were00:16:15
lacking uh no in America you it's I00:16:18
don't think it's involved like eyeballs00:16:19
and teeth are not really Under the00:16:20
Umbrella of dental care but like so what00:16:23
did you like you guys don't have GMOs00:16:25
like what is this wow I'm I'm feel so00:16:27
lovely about this um I ate a lot of what00:16:30
I called Flat cheese which is the cheese00:16:31
that comes individually packaged uhhuh00:16:34
does that help00:16:36
what no that just annoys me like why do00:16:38
you have to do it individually packaged00:16:40
like the log route the red one no you00:16:41
know what I'm talking about the kind you00:16:42
make um like crap uh grilled cheese with00:16:46
oh yeah yeah yeah like the little slices00:16:47
oh God I love those all I would eat when00:16:49
I was a child okay like what like what00:16:51
about it don't you I feel like Canada00:16:53
people just look better than we do like00:16:54
since you've been like that's wrong you00:16:56
just know fewer of us you because we can00:16:59
only come over here if we get a green00:17:00
card so it's like only the most most00:17:02
hardworking special ones get to come00:17:04
over and those are the only ones you've00:17:05
ever met only the ones that can started00:17:07
TV shows get over here that's a really00:17:09
good00:17:10
point that's a really good point okay00:17:13
only the ones with that star quality are00:17:15
the ones that I mean I'm like how come00:17:17
everyone in Canada is so gorgeous and00:17:18
talented and funny okay because it's00:17:20
just the use of the world well it's hard00:17:22
to get over here so it's just like you00:17:24
know you have to really want it is that00:17:27
true not well then you need come via00:17:29
Mexico oh you think so yeah it's not00:17:31
that hard I should have done that I00:17:33
think you just Walt over at this point00:17:35
well so spoiled to be you uhhuh cuz00:17:38
you're beautiful and you're born in the00:17:40
United States of America look what two00:17:42
more things could anyone want did you00:17:44
when did you know you had to move move00:17:46
here was it for a project no I actually00:17:48
was doing uh the touring company at the00:17:50
Second City and then all these girls00:17:51
that I would watch do mainstage00:17:52
eventually would either move to LA or00:17:54
just kind of like funnel back through00:17:56
the comedy scene in Toronto over again00:17:58
like there just not a lot it's not like00:18:00
a springboard that it is in Chicago00:18:02
Second City so let me ask you like I I00:18:04
think I have a pretty comprehensive00:18:05
understanding of like what makes a00:18:07
standup and I know you're doing standup00:18:08
now too no I'm not oh no I did a little00:18:10
like I really now just focusing on on00:18:13
improv okay so I did stand up for a00:18:15
little bit but then I was like I really00:18:16
got to pick a lane why and stand up is00:18:18
so00:18:20
hard it's so do do you ever do improv I00:18:23
no have you ever done it here's my00:18:25
problem with improv and this is the way00:18:26
my no it's not a i i00:18:29
I we do it and I panic and I'm like I00:18:33
feel like this would have gone so much00:18:34
better if we just spent like 20 minutes00:18:35
like writing out what we were going to00:18:36
do like it's like my yeah but what are00:18:39
you you're talking about improvising00:18:40
like on camera oh on camera that's fine00:18:43
but to me it's like my brain is so like00:18:45
and I think that's why I'm more suited00:18:47
for standup because I'm like I like to00:18:48
write it out make sure it's good and00:18:49
then do it like when I'm in there I'm00:18:52
it's hard for me to be in the present00:18:53
moment it's I feel the opposite as as00:18:55
you because I'm like if if I'm up here00:18:57
and people know I just came up with with00:18:58
this on the spa you can't really be like00:19:01
boo give me break I came up with it00:19:03
right now whereas if I went home and I00:19:05
and I worked on it and I came and I was00:19:07
like this is what I think is good that's00:19:09
really and then people don't like it00:19:10
yeah you're like that was a guess and I00:19:11
nailed it yeah okay but you were like I00:19:14
went home and I did my very best you00:19:16
like put on your little ribbon and you00:19:17
came back and you were like I I I worked00:19:19
all night on this how did you just00:19:23
completely fucking dismantle you guys00:19:26
are the dorks we're not the00:19:29
how did you just manage to convince me00:19:32
that standups of the dorks and improv00:19:35
people are the cool people and you00:19:37
actually convinced me just now I talk so00:19:40
much shit about improv dorks all the00:19:42
because what is it it's like I know well00:19:44
bad improv here's the thing I think bad00:19:46
improv is so much worse than bad standup00:19:48
bad improv is so much worse than bad00:19:51
standup okay do you agree it depends on00:19:53
if humping is stool's involved do you00:19:55
think that's like the Trope of beginners00:19:57
stand up with hump a stool is worse than00:20:00
bad andov good stand up without being a00:20:03
stool is worse than bad andov wow that00:20:05
is that Psalms 2244 Matthew 5 beautiful00:20:09
beautiful oh hi everyone real quick I am00:20:12
going on tour it is called the big baby00:20:13
tour it is starting this summer I'm00:20:16
going to be in Alabama Missouri00:20:19
Mississippi Las Vegas I will be at the00:20:21
Mirage on July 6 yes I'm looking at my00:20:23
computer because there's no way I can00:20:24
memorize all these I'm going to be in00:20:26
San Francisco at cobs working out new00:20:27
material Tempe are izona Tulsa uh on00:20:30
October 9th then I'm going to be in00:20:32
Kansas City Dallas Texas Austin Texas00:20:34
Houston Texas Eerie Pennsylvania New00:20:35
York New York I'll be at the beac00:20:36
theater September 28th Grace ali um from00:20:39
Bri uncut is going to be featuring for00:20:41
me then I'm going to be going to00:20:43
Charleston South Carolina Durham North00:20:44
Carolina Washington DC the Warner00:20:46
Theater Atlantic City Chicago Illinois00:20:48
Atlanta Georgia Nashville Tennessee00:20:50
Denver Colorado Salt Lake City San Diego00:20:52
Orlando Jacksonville Boston I'm doing00:20:54
two shows in Boston holy shit we added a00:20:57
show at the Wilbur theat theer I don't I00:20:59
want to be in Connecticut at the Fox00:21:00
wordss Casino so come see me cuz I'm00:21:01
going to get Lyme disease and Parish oh00:21:04
hey y'all I look I'm I've go to so many00:21:07
doctors it's ridiculous at this point00:21:09
I'm just going to cut the shit Zach do00:21:12
is the place where you can find and book00:21:13
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medicine00:21:59
stop what punctuating by slamming the00:22:02
mic oh sorry that is my biggest pet00:22:05
peeve that people do this was that00:22:07
annoying and00:22:10
I let me tell you something sorry I now00:22:13
have injured my finger hitting the mic00:22:16
good thing I can call dock do What00:22:18
doctor would you go to for a finger00:22:20
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free then find and book a top rated00:23:01
doctor today that's Zach zooc00:23:04
do.com Whitney Zach00:23:08
do.com let's catch to the chase again um00:23:12
I've never looked00:23:14
better P we're still calculating the00:23:17
poll but yes I'm just saying like I know00:23:21
that my appearance has come and gone00:23:24
it's up it's down you know I had hair be00:23:27
a ton of different colors I went through00:23:30
some grief I lost too much weight for a00:23:33
minute I've been pregnant a lot A lot's00:23:36
gone on and thank you by the way for all00:23:37
of your patience through all the00:23:39
iterations of my face and body I do00:23:41
appreciate it I do feel like right I'm00:23:45
getting more compliments than ever right00:23:47
is that because people feel sorry for me00:23:49
or they're just relieved that I'm not I00:23:50
didn't die from weed overdoses I don't00:23:54
know but I have been using genucel so Dr00:23:58
Drew I used to listen to his podcast I00:24:00
still do but I was listening when he was00:24:02
like talking about some covid thing00:24:04
specifically and he was talking about00:24:05
genell and I know that Dr Drew never00:24:07
endorses anything that he doesn't know00:24:09
is real true science and he told me also00:24:12
off camera about it I was like do you00:24:13
really use that and he's like yes I use00:24:15
it it's changed my skin and he looks00:24:17
incredible by the way so I was like all00:24:20
right and I started using it I don't00:24:23
look I know that a pharmacist developed00:24:25
it in New Jersey I think for somebody00:24:28
but this stuff actually works first of00:24:31
all I love the fact that it's not tested00:24:33
on animals you know me I don't play that00:24:35
shit it is natural it's clean it doesn't00:24:37
have mineral oil or parabens or harmful00:24:39
chemicals cuz a lot of the products out00:24:40
there damage your skin because of all00:24:42
the chemicals and trash that are in it00:24:45
but there's a product called gen 90 this00:24:47
is an instant wrinkle treatment from00:24:49
genucel instantly reduces the appearance00:24:51
of wrinkles anywhere you use it I00:24:53
started cuz I couldn't get BOTOX when I00:24:55
was pregnant so I just stopped using00:24:56
Botox and I actually think I look better00:24:58
I just use genu cell like right here and00:25:00
these lines00:25:02
are basically invisible I mean I just00:25:05
I'm getting carded all of a sudden you00:25:07
put it around your eyes your forehead00:25:09
crows feet laugh lines it starts working00:25:11
in seconds it's perfect for skin of all00:25:14
ages gen 90 technology is luxurious it's00:25:17
silky smooth starts working in seconds I00:25:20
know this cuz I also you feel that00:25:21
little tingle every time you know it's00:25:23
up to something good right now gen 90 is00:25:26
on sale at genucell.com00:25:28
along with their classic XV moisturizer00:25:31
and the under eye serum which I have in00:25:35
my well this is the Dark Spot Corrector00:25:37
but I have the under eye serum in my00:25:39
bathroom because I used it this morning00:25:41
order right now at genucell.com Whitney00:25:44
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I think that's worded weird but just00:25:59
trust me genucell.com00:26:01
Whitney genucell.com00:26:05
Whitney but I I cannot believe you just00:26:08
did that how did you manage to make00:26:10
comedians the dorks here you guys like00:26:13
let me get all my friends together and00:26:15
we're going to make up a story and then00:26:18
show our friends it's like kids being00:26:20
like you want to see the play we just00:26:22
made up is that what you think I'm doing00:26:24
no but I'm just youing I just can't00:26:26
believe you just convinced me that stand00:26:28
up or dorks and improv people are cooler00:26:30
cuz you sold me on it we should try00:26:32
doing oh hey uh I wrote some uh I wrote00:26:36
some Haas out for you guys memorize like00:26:38
yeah and how devastating when you read00:26:40
it out I mean you probably don't bomb00:26:41
anymore but when you if you like read00:26:43
something out and people just don't like00:26:45
it like isn't that just like a dagger to00:26:46
the heart that is so funny but what00:26:48
happened when you did standup I feel00:26:49
like you were probably great well what00:26:51
happened was I couldn't believe that I00:26:53
was saying the same thing every night I00:26:55
felt so bored of hearing my own voice00:26:59
okay and so I would try to make it00:27:00
different every night but inevitably00:27:01
there'd be like one joke that I knew00:27:02
would work so I'd keep using it and I00:27:04
couldn't stand and also I started00:27:07
learning by going more that everyone's00:27:09
doing the same shit over and over and00:27:10
over again even though people were like00:27:11
don't tell them okay sorry not even some00:27:14
of the crowd work that I saw other00:27:15
Comics do was the same every night yeah00:27:17
it's like all you got to do is find one00:27:19
guy wearing a backwards hat and go nice00:27:20
hat does it come in frontways yeah and00:27:22
the first time I heard it I was like00:27:23
holy fuck this so I know exactly who00:27:27
you're talking about too I know exactly00:27:30
who you're talking about you know but00:27:31
then I would start to do stuff like that00:27:32
and I would just feel like such a little00:27:35
like shitty little slimy Little P A00:27:37
person who tried hard because people are00:27:39
paying to see you and you prepared and00:27:41
made sure it was good and rehearsed it00:27:43
and but there's one thing to have a joke00:27:45
that's like expertly written and you did00:27:46
it great and whatever but there's also00:27:48
jokes and these are the kinds that just00:27:50
give me the willies in my butt where I'm00:27:51
like there's if there's something that's00:27:53
like you know here's me pretending to do00:27:55
a joke like this okay if be like yeah00:27:57
yeah you know the other day I'm the00:27:58
dentist sorry my therapist okay Fredy00:28:01
and slip it's like no that wasn't that's00:28:03
part if that's part of the joke that00:28:04
makes me want to crawl into a Cofe wait00:28:05
I don't even know what just happened00:28:07
okay so if there's a joke I hear is00:28:08
someone has great health care where00:28:10
somebody where somebody slips up as part00:28:13
of the joke the joke so it's like there00:28:15
there's this you were going to see stand00:28:17
up at UCB this was your problem you've00:28:20
never you never seen someone do a joke00:28:21
like this I have but I I have or they00:28:24
pretend to say the wrong thing or it00:28:25
seems like an in the moment joke but00:28:27
it's not it's written oh yeah I hate00:28:29
that shit that's what will give me the00:28:31
willies internally it's cringe because00:28:33
and then if I started that's what the00:28:35
thing is I started doing stuff like that00:28:36
like I might have slipped up on stage00:28:38
and then it got a laugh and so I did it00:28:39
again the next night and then I like now00:28:41
I want to have a funeral I don't like it00:28:44
I don't like it yeah cuz you're like if00:28:46
someone came and saw this two nights in00:28:48
a row right your biggest problem is you00:28:51
know that people would get so obsessed00:28:53
with you that they would just keep00:28:54
coming to see you every night and they00:28:56
would bust you no my biggest is that I'm00:28:58
so obsessed with myself that I couldn't00:29:00
bear someone thinking that I'm not being00:29:02
like cool and chill I know what you mean00:29:04
you never want to feel like you're too00:29:06
prepared but I guess that's where kind00:29:08
of a little bit of like the acting of it00:29:09
comes in but I always try to trip myself00:29:11
up or change the order of something so00:29:13
it always feels fresh or I'll dare00:29:15
myself I'll be like you need to do two00:29:16
new tags in each bit tonight like just00:29:19
on the spot or so there's something new00:29:21
yeah do you ever have a super fan that's00:29:23
sitting in the front row like like00:29:25
mouthing your joke as it's coming and00:29:27
I'm like What's the punch liting can you00:29:28
help me with this yeah sometimes I think00:29:31
no I don't think they do that I don't00:29:32
think I ever do the same set like twice00:29:35
like like verbatim and exactly do you00:29:39
ever take crowd work and turn it into a00:29:41
joke no I probably should though because00:29:44
I like see this is where I I go I'm like00:29:46
I would want it to seem improvised but00:29:48
then like is what's the hybrid between00:29:50
what you do and what I do where00:29:51
something that looks like it's off the00:29:53
cuff but it's actually perfectly00:29:55
prepared like something that like the00:29:57
like the front ways back ways00:29:58
stand up where it's like you could ask00:30:01
an audience member something that was00:30:02
leading that could take you to a joke00:30:03
and everyone would be like but also00:30:05
crowd words not stand up like that's the00:30:06
other thing there's this new thing00:30:08
people think standup is synonymous with00:30:10
like crowd work like that was never it00:30:12
that's your guys's thing you're like can00:30:13
I get a topic from the audience like we00:30:15
don't yeah but you guys are like where's00:30:17
where's everybody00:30:19
[Laughter]00:30:22
from what about you two you're on a date00:30:25
oh he's a little old for you00:30:28
okay guys where are we we're in a canoe00:30:31
awesome thanks like what where should we00:30:34
be we can't think of anything we're too00:30:37
busy we're improvisers we don't prepare00:30:39
shit we're on a playing cool like what00:30:43
you need to come we charged you money to00:30:47
come see us00:30:50
guests hey can you guys do the show give00:30:53
us a topic any topic but well but also00:30:56
that too much no what I'll what I will00:30:59
say is the bad stand up the bad crowd00:31:01
work you're talking about I think the00:31:03
Improv thing that that makes me00:31:05
uncomfortable is when someone yells00:31:07
something out and the improvisor00:31:09
pretends not to hear it because it's00:31:10
like not a good pitch oh you want to00:31:12
know what the Improv remedy for that is00:31:13
oh god well or if it's if someone yells00:31:15
out something during the scene you00:31:16
always walk like this and you go like I00:31:18
was going to close that window as if00:31:21
someone was yelling out on the street00:31:22
you close a window it's that's the00:31:25
N you never close a little window see00:31:27
see this is my problem with improv is00:31:29
that I don't think you have a problem00:31:30
with it because before you were canoeing00:31:32
perfectly and but but knowing that you00:31:35
stand up probably before I got here you00:31:36
were like I'll do something like this00:31:39
and and and you watched a bunch of00:31:40
YouTube clips of people canoeing so you00:31:42
could perfectly get the paddle in no I00:31:44
wasn't I'm a standup so I was00:31:46
crying but that's the other thing is I00:31:49
feel like anytime I've tried improv it's00:31:50
revealed how like I don't know how00:31:53
something works you know what I mean00:31:55
it'll be like you're in the kitchen00:31:56
cooking and I'm like you're like00:32:00
I like what I don't know like H I like00:32:03
literally it goes to like a cauldron00:32:06
interesting so you're not relatable00:32:07
enough to do improv I think I just like00:32:10
yeah whenever I just don't know or I00:32:12
have too negative a connotation with it00:32:14
you know what I mean they'll be like00:32:15
you're walking down the street with your00:32:16
boyfriend and I'm like okay got it right00:32:19
you know what I mean I'm like oh we're00:32:20
not fighting but we're okay like have00:32:23
you ever had something yelled out in00:32:25
your version of it like revealed00:32:27
something about you that was00:32:28
embarrassing sometimes I get into a bit00:32:30
of a pickle with being Canadian cuz00:32:32
there sometimes I'll bring up something00:32:33
that I think is a reference that00:32:35
everyone knows and no one knows it and00:32:36
that can be very uncomfortable but like00:32:38
what if someone's like like we need to00:32:40
be somewhere you know like oh anything00:32:43
involving history if people were like oh00:32:45
it's the meeting of the 1812 tea party00:32:47
Society I'm like I I'm going to stay00:32:49
this is what I don't like when people00:32:51
okay I don't have a problem with00:32:53
improvisers I just realized this you00:32:54
have a problem with history I have a her00:32:56
story I have a problem with people that00:32:59
go to improv shows and they try to be00:33:01
funny from The Audience by pitching a00:33:04
funny like where should we be in a00:33:07
pickle yeah right and you're like I00:33:09
can't just you say something not funny00:33:12
I'm up here sweetheart you're down there00:33:13
honey I got it okay you and I both have00:33:16
the exact same level of preparedness for00:33:18
this but I think I know what I'm doing00:33:20
but you must hate that too if you ask00:33:21
like you do your class like where you00:33:22
from and someone's like Timbo to you00:33:25
ever get someone like that I mean that's00:33:26
a bad people where they're from yes you00:33:30
do yes you do I don't I know you do you00:33:34
if I come to your show tonight I00:33:37
guarantee you're going to ask someone00:33:38
now I never ask people where they're00:33:40
from the only time I ask I tell people00:33:42
where they're from that's how long I've00:33:44
been doing standup is I can usually look00:33:45
at people and be like you're from00:33:46
Copenhagen are you and they'll be like00:33:48
yeah and I'm like I knew it that's why00:33:50
there's a lot of like random special00:33:51
skills you get from doing standup I'm00:33:53
curious what the Improv ones are like I00:33:55
always know how much time has elapsed oh00:33:57
inter like if we started at like noon00:34:00
today and then you were like what time00:34:01
is it I be like it's like 12:25 you ever00:34:03
listen there do you ever listen to heish00:34:05
and Andy they're like Australian radio00:34:06
host podcasters anyways they did this00:34:08
challenge with their listeners where you00:34:09
were like locked in this room and you00:34:11
had and you had to come out at exactly00:34:13
an hour when you thought it was an hour00:34:14
when American comedians uh do challenges00:34:16
where people are locked in the room they00:34:17
get canceled yeah right so don't try it00:34:19
when you offered before this started but00:34:21
I didn't want to do it um but you you00:34:23
had their contestants had to come out at00:34:24
exactly an hour and if you went over you00:34:26
lost and if it was like closest to an00:34:27
hour hour so you're just just standing00:34:29
there you you can't have anything you00:34:30
can't have a phone you can't have your00:34:31
you can't have anything of course you00:34:33
can't have a phone but like so I think00:34:35
you you could just ramble to yourself00:34:36
probably for an hour and then be like I00:34:37
think I've done an hour you think yes00:34:39
yes oh I always know because it's like00:34:41
you have to know how much time is00:34:42
elapsed like it's just like a weird00:34:43
little internal or maybe it's my00:34:44
biological clock I don't know what it is00:34:46
but I feel like I always know what time00:34:47
it is like I just lost an egg00:34:49
that's it's been about 4500:34:52
minutes and then too soon and then uh I00:34:55
usually can tell where someone is from00:34:58
just prer doing it for so long cowboy00:35:00
hat you must be from Texas and The Crowd00:35:01
Goes Wild no that means you're from00:35:03
losas oh wow you are good at this yeah00:35:06
it's weird it's like where do you think I'm from00:35:08
um Edmonton Oilers is there oil in00:35:11
edmont you know what Edmonton is the the00:35:14
number one Oil Capital wow you're really00:35:18
El pretty good at this yeah no I'm00:35:20
improvising Alberta the oil yeah yeah I00:35:24
mean my face is the oil capital of the00:35:25
world let's be honest but I did know00:35:27
that I'm going to eing I've been there a00:35:29
couple times isn't that near bamp yes00:35:31
see look at me improvised look at this00:35:33
did you see that I just pulled that out00:35:34
I love history wow so do you have any00:35:37
skills like like that you feel like are00:35:39
like oh I got this from improv or what00:35:41
happened as a child that made you feel00:35:43
like this was the like gravitates people00:35:46
towards improv you know what I'm saying00:35:48
like you know what I'm trying to say00:35:49
yeah yeah I think I was always00:35:51
improvising early on like and my parents00:35:53
hated my guts for it um I think I was00:35:57
like like a bit too much in my own00:35:59
household but my best friend Annie at00:36:01
her house we were little little and her00:36:03
mom had a magazine subscription to like00:36:05
Mary CLA or something is that an00:36:07
American Magazine it's French it's00:36:08
French Canadian probably I don't know00:36:09
Mary CLA yeah oh you have it everyone00:36:11
has it it's been over for about 20 years00:36:13
but yeah so she had this giant stack in00:36:15
the living room in this basket it was00:36:16
like a magazine basket and we'd have all00:36:18
of our friends over and I would read sto00:36:20
like I would pretend I was a00:36:21
kindergarten teacher reading stories but00:36:22
I would open the magazine and be like00:36:24
once upon a time there was a like it00:36:25
would be like a woman in an AO ad or00:36:27
something i' be like and she was in the00:36:28
garden and I would turn and I would just00:36:29
make up the whole magazine based on the00:36:31
pictures so you're a liar I'm a00:36:33
pathological liar and you turned it into00:36:36
a career yes but from early days like00:36:38
and then that's why I think when I00:36:39
started doing standup I was like oh this00:36:40
doesn't feel like it has the playful00:36:42
element that I like like the idea of00:36:44
like oh Anything could happen right now00:36:46
I mean did you see what happened to the00:36:48
Oscars in the Hollywood Bowl with Dave00:36:50
shelle I mean anything could happen00:36:52
these days guess I guess so yeah but00:36:53
imagine if you had to make up your set00:36:55
with another person like so then you00:36:57
don't know what I'm going to say so you00:36:58
don't know what you're going to say and00:36:59
then we just start building off of each00:37:00
other well that's just having a00:37:01
conversation yeah you're doing it now00:37:03
with you believe it I mean barely but00:37:05
you're doing00:37:06
it so I just interrupt someone for an00:37:09
hour I could do that yeah it's now00:37:12
you're a male improviser see you you've00:37:13
already you're climbing the ranks I can00:37:16
incredible um but what I'm so curious00:37:19
about this because it's making me think00:37:21
like I definitely God I see what you00:37:23
mean of like feeling like a phony of00:37:25
like repeating yourself kind of thing00:37:28
didn't could way it and I don't know I I00:37:32
just got bored so fast and maybe it was00:37:34
because I had already done so much00:37:36
improv that it felt like I was missing00:37:38
that uhhuh but like how did you pick00:37:40
what you were going to talk about I00:37:42
would just kind of like talk to myself I00:37:44
don't know I mean I'm not maybe this was00:37:46
the problem I don't know how you come up00:37:48
with material but I guess I would just00:37:49
like think of things I don't know and00:37:51
say and basically I would put on voice00:37:53
memo and I would improvise through the00:37:55
joke so many times until it became00:37:56
written okay how do you do it get on00:37:59
your little00:38:01
typewriter your diary by the way can I00:38:05
show you can I actually I took a picture00:38:08
of it oh did you okay so I recently00:38:11
bought a typewriter that has to write00:38:13
jokes on no you didn't yeah hold that00:38:16
thought it has no internet on it and00:38:18
it's like an actual typewriter and I00:38:21
love it but how do you do it well it's00:38:23
like you okay so even if you are on your00:38:25
little typewriter like what does it look00:38:26
like why me little why do you have to00:38:28
it's tiny you can use a big one I am00:38:32
Husky for a Hollywood actress according00:38:34
I'll tell you five I used to be 5'11 and00:38:37
this town beat me down and I'm like 5'900:38:39
now how they D I know have you got00:38:41
shorter yet uh I don't think not yet and00:38:43
I got converse with kind of like the00:38:44
platform bottoms I know I knew you had00:38:46
made it cuz you started wearing the00:38:48
Illuminati Converse yeah right and my00:38:50
elastic two laces which okay that's a00:38:52
weird angle of it but it's that's upside00:38:55
down oh I've heard of this thing yeah00:38:56
it's called the free right this I paid00:38:58
for it so I'm not promoting it uh unless00:39:01
you guys want to send me a free one but00:39:02
it's a typewriter that has no Wi-Fi on00:39:03
it and then you can email it to yourself00:39:05
that's so yeah I looked into this yeah00:39:08
why oh why you why script writing oh00:39:11
right oh well why don't you just go on00:39:14
set why don't you just she's surf and00:39:15
turf baby but why would you need to00:39:18
write you could just shoot an improvised00:39:20
movie like you could just show up on set00:39:21
be like what do you guys want to make a00:39:22
movie about okay let's do it produce it00:39:24
pay for it00:39:25
okay need bye by the way you know that I00:39:29
actually that's actually a very good00:39:30
idea let's do00:39:32
it we'll storyboard it we won't write a00:39:34
single I'm so annoyed at how good of an00:39:37
idea that is let's do it we could do00:39:39
that in like a week let's do it in a00:39:40
week okay cuz here's the other thing you00:39:42
know bring the beef gang back what's00:39:44
that oh the be okay get the beef gang00:39:46
got it got it um I was like is that some00:39:48
that sounds like an improv troop the00:39:50
beef gang yeah yeah you know what I mean00:39:52
it's it's it's 12 of the most incredible00:39:54
50-year-old white guys they're the00:39:56
funniest world they're in every AT&T00:39:58
commercial you know them from every like00:40:00
big um I mean look I love this basically00:40:04
this group I mean here's the thing00:40:06
though like Paul Shear Rob Hubble I mean00:40:07
I've done a lot of stuff with Rob Hubble00:40:09
he is such God sexually only oh yeah00:40:12
yeah we've not worked together yet Jason00:40:13
man zukas is an animal why does he have00:40:15
stars next to his oh because Nicole Byer00:40:17
is performing so they're swapping out00:40:19
Jason and Nicole are both this these are00:40:20
Chicago shows copy that I love Nicole00:40:22
Byer me too um wait what was I just00:40:24
going to say before you der you did lot00:40:26
of stuff sexually with you with with you00:40:28
um I always want to make a movie so00:40:30
before when you're um shooting something00:40:33
you normally have not so much anymore00:40:34
because no one has money anymore um in00:40:36
our business um because uh I love00:40:38
complaining about that because00:40:39
podcasting is what has ruined it and I'm00:40:40
like ah there's no money in movies00:40:41
anymore I'm going to go do bird Cher00:40:43
podcast like all the things that have00:40:44
taken from meanwhile this woman just00:40:45
bought herself a literal $3,000 fucking00:40:48
typewriter it was not $3,000 but I know00:40:51
they're spency you can't deny it they00:40:53
are more did you see the resentment when00:40:54
I said I paid for it it was more00:40:56
expensive than it should have been00:40:57
um and uh unless you guys want to send00:40:59
me a free one promo code whitness why00:41:01
would you need to promo code Whitney00:41:03
because promo code greedy Pro C greedy00:41:07
um so okay so before you shoot something00:41:10
there's like standin that will come and00:41:12
they will like kind of lifelessly read00:41:15
the what they need to read and they'll00:41:17
just stand there awkwardly and stare at00:41:18
each other in the position you need to00:41:19
be in I've always wanted to shoot those00:41:22
takes and make a movie the the other00:41:25
side of the movie that's such a good00:41:27
idea I00:41:28
agree that of just the standin being00:41:30
like so what are you doing later and00:41:32
then they do like these weird kisses00:41:33
where they have to like hold a kiss for00:41:35
like 20 minutes for them to like light00:41:37
it or like even the really dramatic00:41:39
scenes where they're like fuck you you00:41:41
took my baby where is my baby I can't00:41:43
find my baby you ass is this the windy00:41:46
coming story you're reading wait should00:41:48
we check on him it's no he's fine um00:41:51
adversity is good for children uh okay00:41:53
so there's that I do think an improvised00:41:55
movie would actually be really funny I00:41:56
think that when I first moved to LA they00:41:58
were like trying to do improvised TV00:42:00
shows and it did not work so well and00:42:02
seemed like just like as a writer like a00:42:04
very annoying way to be like but I'm00:42:05
also a writer so pay me as a writer what00:42:07
a but curb is they tightly script out00:42:11
like the outline right right and I do00:42:13
bet like by the time you do enough of00:42:15
the improvised takes it is almost like00:42:16
writing it by theend yeah when they have00:42:17
like a piano on the beach that wasn't00:42:19
improvised like they had they have per I00:42:21
know but I even mean like dialogue wise00:42:23
like if you and I were going to00:42:24
improvise a scene about like there's one00:42:26
of these left and who gets it we on like00:42:27
take 10 we would keep repeating the00:42:29
funniest things there you go well that's00:42:31
interesting so it's almost like00:42:32
improvising to write there's there's00:42:34
never a script but I bet I mean I don't00:42:35
know what am I talking about but I would00:42:37
imagine that's how okay so what what's00:42:39
your moral stance on that oh I think00:42:41
that's fine because it's like it's still00:42:43
coming from like an or organic place00:42:45
like you're not S I mean it's it's it's00:42:48
more aive so you're writing it but just00:42:49
in your head yeah so the that that's00:42:52
what improv is I mean I'm writing as I00:42:54
go I'm not not thinking I'm not just00:42:56
like saying stupid shit how I mean I am00:42:58
saying stupid shit but but like if we're00:43:00
doing a scene I'm consciously aware of00:43:01
like what would be a fun place to take00:43:03
we're going okay so let me ask you so00:43:05
when you start it are you like because00:43:07
that that's also when when you're00:43:08
writing a TV show you always want to00:43:10
know where the end of the scene is when00:43:11
the end of the series is like what00:43:12
you're writing to so as soon as um00:43:14
someone's like you're like where are you00:43:16
you're in the American Girl doll factory00:43:18
why am I screaming uh no that's me that00:43:20
was me I was in the AI you're the00:43:21
audience in the a don't just don't00:43:23
question genius choices please thanks so00:43:26
much um and then you're an American girl00:43:29
like are you like oh it' be great if it00:43:32
burned down and you like build towards00:43:34
like do you guys instantly go to where00:43:35
it should go oh that's interesting well00:43:37
have you ever heard of the Herold this00:43:39
is I'm I'm going to lose all of the00:43:41
ground that I made with making you think00:43:42
that improv was cool Harold is like I00:43:44
mean I was kind of joking okay I'm00:43:47
kidding no now I actually do think it's00:43:48
more you've made it sound so much cooler00:43:50
than I've ever thought it was thanks00:43:52
quit so there's this structure called00:43:54
the Herold um that's like a big UCB00:43:56
structure and um it it's like you do00:43:59
your scene so for example you say00:44:00
American Girl doll and we would do a00:44:01
scene like that me me and you and we00:44:03
would find the game of that scene do you00:44:05
know what that means yeah okay so like00:44:07
whatever is the unusual thing that we're00:44:08
doing maybe you and I are suddenly00:44:09
playing mother and daughter and we're00:44:11
there and um you are acting like I'm not00:44:14
allowed to have a doll a doll even00:44:15
though you're the daughter so that would00:44:16
be the unusual thing it's like here's a00:44:17
little girl that's like Mom you can't00:44:19
have every doll in here whatever00:44:20
something like that okay got it so that00:44:22
that's something unusual we've clocked00:44:23
it so then in the herald now we're going00:44:25
to repeat that game but in a different00:44:28
place in a second beat so like 1000:44:30
minutes into the show we're going to do00:44:31
that again but some in a different00:44:32
location and then at the end of the show00:44:34
we're going to do it one last time and00:44:35
we're going to heighten every time and00:44:37
keep playing that game and keep moving00:44:38
it sure so there is like Mental Math00:44:40
going on that's similar to stand up and00:44:42
that it would be like a call back yes00:44:44
exactly you know what I mean so so but00:44:46
we're just like writing those in the00:44:47
moment right or thinking like when when00:44:49
someone else is on stage thinking like00:44:50
okay next when I go out maybe I should00:44:53
initiate like this so the other person00:44:54
knows that I'm taking us here right why00:44:57
would you do like you do like really00:44:58
funny characters like I love the guy00:45:01
that finds out a girls never done00:45:02
mushrooms oh my god do you know that00:45:04
kind of guy it's I mean the best you're00:45:06
like honey I am that kind of guy but by00:45:08
the way I am that guy but also there's00:45:09
girls that do that too yeah but I find00:45:12
the the male presence of it so much more00:45:14
SC of course but the girls are just like00:45:16
you've never felt joy and like you don't00:45:19
know but that is so I hate it it's so00:45:21
condescending and so terrible but then00:45:22
with the men it adds this weird like00:45:24
sleepover twist you never felt joy and00:45:26
also never felt sex like this before but00:45:29
it's also like you when you do mushrooms00:45:30
it's all about who you do it with yeah00:45:32
and I'll do it with you like you got to00:45:33
do it alone like with me it is it is00:45:35
always I'll keep you safe totally if you00:45:37
think of something scary I'll fight it00:45:39
off and it's also like it's always like00:45:41
like you're so close-minded like I think00:45:43
you said this in the like poly Amry is00:45:45
like you should do that you know what I00:45:47
mean like just cuz I'm married doesn't00:45:48
mean we shouldn't do this crazy that you00:45:50
think those tits are just for you but00:45:51
actually once you do mushrooms you see00:45:53
they're kind of for all of00:45:55
them00:45:57
like you just don't seem to get it like00:45:59
you can deep the most Brea like like00:46:01
deep breath the most breathe you can00:46:03
deeply the most breathe with my tongue00:46:06
in your mouth like I don't think you00:46:07
understand like you should breathe my00:46:09
oxygen like like it's so wild to me00:46:12
there was some guy he was like a00:46:14
masseuse there's so many weird ass00:46:15
charlatans and like like have you come00:46:17
across like in LA um I'm curious but00:46:20
this guy he was like a roll F like that00:46:22
would roll on the floor laughing00:46:24
[Music]00:46:25
roll raing is like when you pull muscles00:46:28
like and like massage them real good or00:46:30
something and he convinced all these00:46:32
girls that if they his seamen would no00:46:36
no I why I look at00:46:37
Pat no but he's really good at filming00:46:41
okay no wait is this real no this is00:46:43
real but also he said my seen will help00:46:46
your muscles this is Will no will help00:46:48
you see God or something like that but00:46:50
like to put it on the muscles or you00:46:51
have to no like you have to ingest it00:46:53
and then you'll see God but is the kind00:46:55
of person susceptible to that going to00:46:57
suck a dick anyway oh did you have to00:46:59
suck it to get it fresh or can you bake00:47:00
it into a mu you say fresh in ways that00:47:03
have ruined the word for me like you're00:47:06
gay oh this is fresh like fresh seen00:47:09
like you really have ruined that word00:47:11
for me sorry you've adulterated a word00:47:13
that was very innocent before he was00:47:15
like a massage the I don't know he00:47:17
convinced them I don't know but I'm just00:47:18
saying it's like the people that like00:47:19
succumb to Scientology I'm like maybe00:47:22
they need to be in the castle oh00:47:23
interesting these are people that if00:47:25
they're susceptible to that it's like00:47:27
hey come to our cult you you you think00:47:29
you're not susceptible to a cult oh dude00:47:32
I've tried they won't take me okay I I00:47:34
asked too many questions interesting I00:47:36
tried to join Scientology they weren't00:47:38
having it oh hi everyone real quick I am00:47:41
going on tour it is called the big baby00:47:43
tour it is starting this summer I'm00:47:45
going to be in Alabama Missouri00:47:48
Mississippi Las Vegas I will be at the00:47:50
Mirage on July 6th yes I'm looking at my00:47:52
computer cuz there's no way I can00:47:54
memorize all these I'm going to be in00:47:55
San Francisco at cobs working out new00:47:57
material Tempe Arizona Tulsa uh on00:48:00
October 9th then I'm going to be in00:48:01
Kansas City Dallas Texas Austin Texas00:48:03
Houston Texas Eerie Pennsylvania New00:48:05
York New York I'll be at the Beacon00:48:06
Theater September 28th Grace ali um from00:48:09
Bri uncut is going to be featuring for00:48:11
me then I'm going to be going to00:48:12
Charleston South Carolina Durham North00:48:14
Carolina Washington DC the Warner00:48:15
Theater Atlantic City Chicago Illinois00:48:18
Atlanta Georgia Nashville Tennessee00:48:20
Denver Colorado Salt Lake City San Diego00:48:22
Orlando Jacksonville Boston I'm doing00:48:24
two shows in Boston holy shit we add at00:48:27
a show at the Wilbur Theater and then I00:48:28
want to be in Connecticut at the Fox00:48:29
wordss Casino so come see me cuz I'm00:48:31
going to get Lyme disease and Parish oh00:48:34
hey y'all I look I'm I've go to so many00:48:37
doctors it's ridiculous at this point00:48:39
I'm just going to cut the shit Zach do00:48:41
is the place where you can find in book00:48:43
doctors who will make you feel00:48:44
comfortable and actually listen to you00:48:46
Zach do is a free app and website where00:48:49
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going to say it no crappy hold music00:49:02
that makes your depression even worse00:49:04
when you're trying to get an appointment00:49:05
with a psychiatrist once you find the00:49:07
doctor you want on Zach do you can00:49:09
immediately book them no more waiting00:49:11
awkwardly on hold look all these doctors00:49:14
have verified reviews from actual real00:49:17
patients I don't have to say they're00:49:18
doctors in quotes there it's it's not00:49:21
going to be Dr Dre it's not Dr Ken these00:49:24
are real doctors with degree00:49:27
in medicine stop what punctuating by00:49:31
slamming the mic oh sorry that is my00:49:34
biggest pet peeve that people do this00:49:36
was that annoying and00:49:40
I let me tell you something sorry I now00:49:43
have injured my finger hitting the mic00:49:45
good thing I can call dock do What00:49:48
doctor would you go to for a finger00:49:49
injury a psychiatrist00:49:52
yeah we're talking about with sock do00:49:55
booking appointments with tens of00:49:57
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can even score same day appointments go00:50:25
to Zach do.com Whitney and download the00:50:27
Zach do app for free then find and book00:50:29
a top rated doctor today that's Zach00:50:31
zooc00:50:34
do.com Whitney Zach00:50:37
do.com let's cut to the chase again um00:50:41
I've never looked00:50:44
better we're still calculating the poll00:50:47
but yes I'm just saying like I know that00:50:51
my appearance has come and gone it's up00:50:54
it's down you know I had hair be a ton00:50:57
of different colors I went through some00:51:00
grief I lost too much weight for a00:51:02
minute I've been pregnant a lot A lot's00:51:05
gone on and thank you by the way for all00:51:07
of your patience through all the00:51:09
iterations of my face and body I do00:51:11
appreciate it I do feel like right I'm00:51:15
getting more compliments than ever right00:51:17
is that because people feel sorry for me00:51:18
or they're just relieved that I'm not I00:51:20
didn't die from weed overdoses I don't00:51:23
know but I have been using genu cell so00:51:27
Dr Drew I used to listen to his podcast00:51:30
I still do but I was listening when he00:51:31
was like talking about some Co thing00:51:33
specifically and he was talking about00:51:35
genu cell and I know that Dr Drew never00:51:37
endorses anything that he doesn't know00:51:38
is real true science and he told me also00:51:41
off camera about it I was like do you00:51:43
really use that and he's like yes I use00:51:44
it it's changed my skin and he looks00:51:47
incredible by the way so I was like all00:51:49
right and I started using it I don't00:51:52
look I know that a pharmacist developed00:51:55
it in New Jersey I think for somebody00:51:58
but this stuff actually works first of00:52:01
all I love the fact that it's not tested00:52:02
on animals you know me I don't play that00:52:04
shit it is natural it's clean it doesn't00:52:06
have mineral oil or parabens or harmful00:52:08
chemicals cuz a lot of the products out00:52:10
there damage your skin because of all00:52:12
the chemicals and trash that are in it00:52:14
but there's a product called gen 90 this00:52:17
is an instant wrinkle treatment from00:52:19
genell instantly reduces the appearance00:52:21
of wrinkles anywhere you use it I00:52:22
started because I couldn't get BOTOX00:52:24
when I was pregnant so I just stopped00:52:25
using Botox and I actually think I look00:52:27
better I just use genu cell like right00:52:29
here and these lines00:52:31
are basically invisible I mean I just00:52:34
I'm getting carded all of a sudden you00:52:36
put it around your eyes your forehead00:52:38
crows feet laugh lines it starts working00:52:41
in seconds it's perfect for skin of all00:52:43
ages gen 90 technology is luxurious it's00:52:46
silky smooth starts working in seconds I00:52:49
know this cuz I also you feel that00:52:51
little tingle every time you know it's00:52:53
up to something good right now gen 90 is00:52:56
on sale at genu sale.com along with00:52:58
their classic XV moisturizer and the00:53:01
under eye serum which I have in my well00:53:05
this is the Dark Spot Corrector but I00:53:07
have the under eye serum in my bathroom00:53:09
because I used it this morning order00:53:11
right now at genucell.com Whitney genell00:53:14
GN00:53:16
c.com right there on the bottle.com00:53:19
Whitney get free shipping with two00:53:23
skincare Essentials box with every order00:53:25
I think that's worded weird but just00:53:28
trust me genucell.com00:53:31
Whitney genucell.com00:53:35
I tried to join Scientology they weren't00:53:37
having it this was a long time ago00:53:40
really maybe I should try now and see00:53:41
yeah I'm too like were you trying to be00:53:42
like an investigative journalist or did00:53:44
you really I like work00:53:47
Scientology no I wanted to like live00:53:49
there I was like broke when I first00:53:51
moved to LA they say like we'll give you00:53:52
an acting job we like you can live here00:53:55
they have brunch on Sunday00:53:57
like I'm hungry and I have no place to00:53:58
sleep can I please be a Scientologist00:53:59
yes and the guy from My Name is Earl is00:54:01
right there I was like I'm so I was so00:54:04
in on it you you just wanted it like you00:54:06
didn't need you didn't feel like you had00:54:07
some sort of emotional deficit that00:54:08
you're like I need to know my alien00:54:10
number and Get Zapped by the Boppers00:54:12
like you didn't want that part you just00:54:13
wanted a place no I wanted a job and a00:54:15
family okay oh you did want the family00:54:16
see I'm surprised I didn't get you yeah00:54:18
I dude trust me I think I'm too um I'm00:54:21
too mouthy interesting like I wouldn't00:54:24
be a good like cult person but theyve00:54:26
had some people in there that are pretty00:54:28
I mean yeah I wouldn't look at Tom Cruz00:54:30
and be like that guy can keep a secret00:54:33
but he's a good actor so he can pretend00:54:34
he can but you're a good actor thank you00:54:37
but I guess maybe they didn't know yet00:54:38
because you I'm a woman that's so true I00:54:41
know and we can't keep our mouth shut so00:54:42
much easier to kill and do away with00:54:43
within00:54:45
Scientology they should have done that00:54:47
they yeah I'm unkillable I think you00:54:49
think so I think I'd be hard to kill00:54:50
have many tried I think don't you think00:54:53
I've failed every time like I'm just00:54:56
kind of like whenever anyone's like00:54:57
here's some coffee I'm like why' you00:54:58
make me c like I always like I'm just00:55:01
very I feel like I'd be like hard to00:55:02
kill okay imagine this was saw right now00:55:04
and suddenly like Pat was like on a00:55:05
little tricycle and he was like only one00:55:07
of you are leaving this room and the00:55:08
other one has to be dead and we were00:55:10
like started to look I guarantee I'd be00:55:11
the Dead one I I know you would kill me00:55:13
I wouldn't want to but but I think you00:55:15
could I just feel like cuz also you have00:55:17
a better idea of the lay of the land00:55:19
like you know what could hurt me in here00:55:20
and I don't really know yet the00:55:22
skateboard looks promising it I think if00:55:25
I had to kill00:55:27
you uh oh God you could throw that hot00:55:30
wax from that candle in my face first to00:55:32
Blind me I don't think that would that00:55:34
would just be hot you don't think that00:55:36
would like that I mean I don't know why00:55:39
I'm giving you all my best ideas I don't00:55:41
know if you would that wasn't that good00:55:42
of one I think to start it is to Blind00:55:45
you for the initiation of to Blind you I00:55:46
would just push my thumbs into your um00:55:48
how you going to get me though I'm going00:55:49
to squirrel around on the floor pretty00:55:51
quick yeah but your hair is like easy to00:55:54
like I feel like I feel like if00:55:56
seriously doing this yeah we are00:56:00
okay see this is what if you're going to00:56:02
call my hair easily pullable I beg you00:56:04
to look in the mirror this no mine is00:56:06
like really it's like thin and very it00:56:08
will just come extensions it'll come out00:56:10
and I have like new mom hair it'll just00:56:12
come right out you're not going to Well00:56:14
mine's like blonde fried and it'll it'll00:56:16
come out oh it looks kind of like like00:56:18
those individually wrapped cheeses like00:56:19
really like it looks like a lot of00:56:21
keratin no see this is why I'm bad at00:56:23
improv cuz I just get dead serious like00:56:25
if someone yells something out of the00:56:27
audience you know like like you're in00:56:30
the Apple Store like you know that they00:56:32
C ball they mine C ball in the Congo for00:56:34
the batteries for Apple right you guys00:56:36
know that love I think you'd be an00:56:37
amazing improviser this is already00:56:38
amazing improv cuz you you're starting00:56:40
from a grounded place then you can get00:56:41
whacky cuz yeah you you're just like00:56:43
we're in the Apple storm like you mean00:56:44
we're in the mines mining the lithium00:56:47
with babies on our back I love this so00:56:49
you just kind of play the same character00:56:50
in every single scene just like woman00:56:52
who's upset at the institution the red00:56:54
pill oh wow the American Girl doll store00:56:56
way to ruin the images of the of the00:56:58
small kids forever a way to just give00:57:00
pedophiles exactly what they want right00:57:03
yeah you get tagged out pretty quick00:57:04
yeah I feel like that's a standup00:57:06
whereas you guys we're in the American00:57:07
Girl doll store I'm like no one thinks00:57:09
this is weird right no one thinks it's00:57:11
weird that these are just like little00:57:13
sexy dolls so wait so then like no one00:57:15
else thinks they're00:57:16
sexy yeah I'm like there's only one00:57:18
woman in the store looking up all the00:57:19
skirts and it's you but so I ask you the00:57:22
same question then cuz you asked me00:57:23
about like childhood improv connection00:57:25
so your childhood standup connection is00:57:27
it that like calling out things all the00:57:28
time I think there's that it was the00:57:30
calling out the elephant in the living00:57:31
room because when you're raised in00:57:32
alcohol there's always some elephant in00:57:34
the living room that no one will mention00:57:36
like no one's going to mention the fact00:57:37
that Mom has a black eye and is wearing00:57:39
sunglasses inside but isn't a rapper00:57:41
like what are we do like there's that00:57:43
and there was a lot of secrets and lies00:57:44
kind of thing and you kind of like want00:57:46
to like um and then my dad was also kind00:57:49
of very uh question everything guy you00:57:52
know he was like the when he would like00:57:54
quiz me for like history stuff uh I00:57:56
would like memorize everything on the00:57:58
quiz and then he would be like well how00:57:59
do we know the book is right oh you know00:58:02
what I mean just making me the most00:58:03
paranoid kind of like always made me00:58:05
question things and then um needing to00:58:08
get attention like I my alcoholic00:58:11
parents they would watch TV and I00:58:12
remember just being like I got to get in00:58:14
the Box wow like I got to get in00:58:16
there wow you00:58:21
know sad dark what something you might00:58:24
want to punch in on uh from what you00:58:26
were talking about earlier there's there00:58:28
is a TV show that's improv but it looks00:58:31
scripted or whatever what's it called00:58:32
murderville oh00:58:34
yeah you you know that one I know it I00:58:37
don't know it solving small town murder00:58:39
crime I bet the the writer Guild's00:58:42
pretty psyched about00:58:44
it um but that makes perfect sense to me00:58:46
because you so you're like a critical00:58:48
thinker and you like attention so that00:58:50
seems like perfect recipe for and I like00:58:52
can't like I think that it has to be00:58:54
like like and I think a lot of people00:58:55
listen that tring to figure out what00:58:56
they want to do with their careers is00:58:57
the only reason I'm being so boring00:58:58
about this I think it's like what's the00:58:59
thing you like you have a bee in your00:59:01
mouth about you know what I mean wait00:59:03
you think a lot of people listen to your00:59:04
podcast because they don't know what00:59:05
they want to do with their00:59:08
career is that not true oh okay you mean00:59:11
like in the industry I thought you were00:59:12
saying like there's some woman in Ohio00:59:13
right now that's like is nursing school00:59:15
for me Whitney00:59:17
please I mean I don't know I mean I who00:59:20
listens to podcast do you know yes00:59:23
everyone we're talking about UCB this is00:59:25
a pretty tiny slice of sort of inside00:59:28
baseball okay you're right right I feel00:59:30
like we might as well just keep going00:59:31
down this path well improv is like a00:59:33
universal thing you could go watch at00:59:34
any City maybe not I actually think00:59:36
everyone should take improv classes00:59:38
because it's like and it it makes you00:59:39
better in any job you do did you take00:59:42
it okay I I just here's my thing mommy00:59:46
won't eat her own00:59:48
pudding so I got so insulted you said00:59:51
Mommy and I'm like I am one so I did go00:59:53
to Groundlings once and I was the person00:59:57
who was just like uh like I like before01:00:00
I get on the ground and pretend to be a01:00:02
lion like is so same conversation at01:00:04
Scientology I couldn't I couldn't get01:00:06
like they're like you're a lion and I'm01:00:07
like am I in a zoo am I in the wild is01:00:09
it a sanctuary I'm a male lion female01:00:11
lion like I just I get too bogged down01:00:15
in logistics what mental illness is that01:00:18
hot girl syndrome must be I can't just01:00:20
be like I'm a lion I just was like you01:00:22
know that like lions actually like sleep01:00:24
most of the time so should I just like01:00:26
like I could oh interesting yeah so you01:00:27
get like hyp specific because yeah with01:00:29
improv it's like when it's like be an01:00:30
animal be a this it's like well do you01:00:32
want me to be like the stereotypical01:00:34
version that is fake or like have your01:00:37
own take on I was the kid that when I01:00:38
was like eating rots I'm like this isn't01:00:40
what bananas tastes like like whoa grape01:00:42
gum I was like grapes don't taste like01:00:44
this Like Comics were kind of like the01:00:46
annoying callar outers did you have01:00:48
friends no so elementary school kids01:00:51
were like it's just a banana yeah I know01:00:53
but that it doesn't taste like banana we01:00:54
have to call the comp I would like write01:00:55
letter to companies no oh yeah and say01:00:59
the bananas aren't banan I was trying to01:01:00
help like I thought I was helping I was01:01:02
like this is just not what a banana01:01:03
tastes like like you should talk to your01:01:04
workers and they're like the candy the01:01:06
elves that make the runs wow the elves01:01:09
that make the runs you know what I mean01:01:10
like I just there's something about I01:01:11
don't know what it is what trauma it is01:01:13
or nature nurture but like Comics it's01:01:15
like if things aren't true we lose our01:01:17
minds you're a truth seeker can you tell01:01:19
someone's01:01:22
lying ask question on all the side I'm01:01:24
lying to myself about them lying you01:01:28
know what I mean ask me a question else01:01:30
and I'm going to either lie or tell the01:01:31
truth and you can tell me what um do you01:01:35
think I'm01:01:37
funny you can't ask01:01:40
that cuz cuz imagine it was going to be01:01:42
so much worse by the way ask me like a01:01:45
different question do you think because01:01:47
obviously yes I think you're funny otherwise I wouldn't be here that's too01:01:49
easy I know but it's like one of those01:01:50
things where it's like if you protest01:01:53
too much it sound someone did this to me01:01:55
once on a show01:01:56
were like it was like a lie detector01:01:58
test and they were like do you think Amy01:01:59
Schumer is funny and I was like wait01:02:00
wait you were hooked up to a lie01:02:01
detector yes on like toe for Grace's01:02:03
podcast or something and it was like do01:02:05
think and I was like H there no oh my01:02:07
God I can't even hear about that I was01:02:08
sweating so much cuz I was like this is01:02:10
so annoying okay so you started being01:02:11
like I think she's well I of course I01:02:13
love no of but I was 100% I was like01:02:17
what I just did and that's your01:02:18
biological sister it's shocking I can't01:02:21
believe it01:02:24
wow I can't believe you you hooked01:02:27
yourself up to that ask you a question01:02:29
to see if you're lying yeah um like not01:02:32
just a yes or no one like okay okay I01:02:34
got okay give me one second um do you01:02:37
think Tom Cruz is01:02:39
gay yes I01:02:42
do wait is it is so I need to figure out01:02:45
if you're Li lying about thinking he's01:02:48
gay not if he okay I think oh you think01:02:51
I know you think I'm the one person in01:02:53
the world that knows he's not by the way01:02:55
apparently I talked to someone that he01:02:56
was I guess with for a very long time01:02:58
was like he's not yet he's also a good01:03:00
actor so that's the thing about actors01:03:02
is they're also they get prizes for01:03:03
lying so who knows yeah um I think you01:03:08
are not or uh wait what did you say I01:03:10
said I think he's01:03:12
gay I don't think you think that I do01:03:14
think that really your lay meter is way01:03:18
he gay I think I mean I think I've been01:03:20
told that enough that I just started to01:03:22
believe it also something about me I'm01:03:23
like Ella Enchanted remember when an01:03:24
haway did that movie she was cursed by a01:03:26
witch and anything that anyone told her01:03:27
to do she'd do it I'm kind of like that01:03:29
like if someone tells me something01:03:30
enough I'm like that's true that's so01:03:32
funny well I think most actor there's a01:03:35
lot of gayness about being an actor he01:03:38
does wear makeup for a living he does01:03:40
like you know I guess I just can't01:03:42
imagine that anyone who's that involved01:03:44
in a system like that isn't being01:03:46
oppressed in many different ways uh01:03:50
Scientology oh I see what you mean like01:03:52
that the there's like something that01:03:54
you're Reckoning with internally that01:03:55
makes you kind of fall under the spell01:03:58
of something else stup just stupidity01:03:59
though there's I think there we're in an01:04:01
epidemic where we forgot that some01:04:02
people are just stupid do you know what01:04:04
I'm saying we're sort of like how could01:04:06
you get mad at me cuz I didn't identify01:04:08
you this way it's like some people are01:04:09
dumb some people didn't go to school01:04:11
some people are just like silly gooses01:04:12
some people were child actors silly01:04:14
geese by the way I'm alert of course the01:04:17
Canada bitch knows the plural for geese01:04:20
but wait I see what you mean but I also01:04:22
yeah because also that's part of the way01:04:24
that they hold him is like a like a gay01:04:26
sex tape or something a gape yeah or01:04:28
they made them her their number one big01:04:31
candy boy and he can't do anything to01:04:33
jeopardize what's a candy boy like candy01:04:35
like vending machine sweet treat winner01:04:38
golden guy can I ask you a question this01:04:40
is like I don't mean to go a political01:04:42
oh no please I know you don't want talk01:04:44
about okay what is it no I'm kidding I'm01:04:46
kidding when you get out of the shower01:04:48
oh it's political okay mhm who does my01:04:50
body belong to the01:04:52
government smart any other questions wi01:04:55
smart01:04:56
do you put on body lotion I absolutely01:05:01
piggish oilly slopp asly cover myself01:05:05
from head to toe in any lubricant I can01:05:08
get my hands on and she looks like01:05:10
marzipan I have seen clips of this and01:05:12
I'll tell you I've been rolling over my01:05:13
grave and yes I've been dead for 5001:05:15
years but the clips of these beautiful01:05:16
young women say they don't lotion I01:05:18
would Puff into dust and fly away my01:05:20
skin gets so I can't even wash my face01:05:22
and go like you ever get like a laser01:05:24
facial and they do they'll do like01:05:25
alcohol not like um I don't know what it01:05:27
is I'm getting something that Tak01:05:29
minutes I drink baby blood you do um not01:05:32
from yours I hope uh no he's a little01:05:34
stubborn um but they they they like01:05:36
clean the face and then they they're01:05:38
doing the facial I'm like you have to do01:05:39
it now I have I have like a five minute01:05:41
window before I have to get lotion back01:05:42
on this thing where it hurts to even01:05:44
smile how about this I take a shower01:05:47
I'll do you one better I take a shower01:05:49
and as I'm has the washing the01:05:51
conditioner out I take grapes seed oil01:05:53
and put it all over my body heaven while01:05:56
I'm still in the shower so there's no01:05:59
time that my skin love hits oxygen while01:06:02
it doesn't have some kind of em molate01:06:05
so you have some sort of like um Car01:06:07
Wash shammy that you use to towel off01:06:08
after then cuz you're just ruining every01:06:10
piece of cloth in your home to it is a I01:06:12
mean I would like the guy that I'm01:06:15
dating did slip and almost F because oil01:06:18
my home is covered in oil I mean that01:06:20
because I'm just such an oily slick01:06:22
bitch at all times I need it yeah the01:06:25
bath is a a real Hazard or you ever get01:06:27
a spray tan not in a while but they make01:06:29
you shower and not lotion they're like01:06:32
shower and come to us four hours after01:06:34
without any lotion on or anything01:06:35
couldn't do it I did that I looked like01:06:38
St bumi within 20 minutes I find it so01:06:40
painful that's really interesting it's I01:06:42
know a lot of people are just it's white01:06:43
women are wild dude do you wash your01:06:45
legs yeah okay good see it must be a01:06:48
Canada thing I'm doing loofah everywhere01:06:51
and I don't know when I'm supposed to be01:06:52
throwing out my loofah quick a01:06:57
quicker no I've had it for like two01:07:00
years no no no no quicker than you think01:07:03
two years listen I'm telling you right01:07:05
now I moved to LA 5 years ago I bet I01:07:07
bought this Lua when I arrived my this01:07:09
is bad news dude this is literally where01:07:11
Co started in her shower what do you01:07:13
mean Qui I'm telling you I think what01:07:15
quick a month I do a I do a loofah um M01:07:19
like a m like a glove that's lofa has01:07:22
fingers or no they got fingers yeah that01:07:24
you put on she can go up so you get yes01:07:26
so you get in your butt and all that01:07:27
kind of stuff like I just had a kid I I01:07:31
hate you cuz like yours is just like a01:07:34
big like baseball bat mine's like a01:07:36
fuzzy yeah like no it's like the thing01:07:37
with the the the loop and then it's like01:07:39
a it looks like a ladies tutu like a01:07:42
piece of01:07:43
coral what those those you have to get01:07:46
rid of like those those aren't even for01:07:49
sale anymore no no those are those are01:07:52
like made of plastic no they're made of01:07:54
lofa do you know what is coral it's a01:07:57
thing it's not those are and they're01:07:59
always cold for some01:08:01
reason so gross you're such a wait when01:08:04
when should I throw it out already wait01:08:06
don't forget I lotion I lotion no no01:08:08
that's even worse you're just like01:08:09
moving all the bacteria around Oh no01:08:11
you're in so much trouble I have to01:08:12
Google this I'm actually panicking no01:08:14
the ones that are like like01:08:24
fabricyellow 3 weeks it's basically a01:08:27
wet Market also by the way did aloa01:08:29
write that 3 weeks why you think it's01:08:32
too long or too short week01:08:35
Max God I01:08:38
know I think this is what your friends01:08:40
are talking about when it comes to the01:08:41
slutty smell like why do you smell like01:08:43
chlamydia it's my loofah bring me your01:08:46
lofa now and let me sniff it I use okay01:08:48
well you know can I actually I just01:08:51
switched it out today I just no didn't I01:08:53
swear bring the one from the garbage I01:08:55
swear to God I'm actually so fucking01:08:57
then the other one should still be in01:08:58
the garbage the other one should still01:08:59
be in the garage understand this is me01:09:00
doing improv I have to go home and I'll01:09:02
be right back to prove something it01:09:04
better be filled with skin why is there01:09:06
nothing having this is my trash can01:09:09
today and I threw these out today those01:09:13
are exfoliating gloves that's different01:09:15
from what I have I would also not let01:09:16
those look okay but wait those also look01:09:18
brand new yeah I've used them can I have01:09:21
them they go see feel that one I can't01:09:23
touch it I can't I'll touch where you're01:09:26
touching it's wet yes I'm saying they're01:09:30
they stay wet for days like you can't01:09:32
just keep them around even your garbage01:09:34
looks brand new you're a01:09:35
psychopath01:09:37
Virgo um but aloa yeah I just I don't01:09:40
know I'm worried about a lot of our like01:09:42
women's hygiene at the moment I'm01:09:44
learning a lot of pretty horrifying01:09:45
things do you put soap on those when you01:09:47
go for it or just yes soap first and01:09:50
then so you're kind of lathering and01:09:51
exfoliating all at once all at the same01:09:53
time yeah do you ever do it dry dry L01:09:56
I'll use a dry brush for lymphatic01:09:58
drainage okay yeah you do that you do01:10:01
your dry brush in over there I'm not01:10:03
doing I got a dry brush but I never used01:10:05
it cuz I was like what is this why'd you01:10:07
get it I just got someone sent it to me01:10:08
yeah some pervert on the internet yeah01:10:11
the P but I've been doing lymphatic01:10:13
drainage where you like put your fingers01:10:14
on your face and you like shove all your01:10:16
guts down into your01:10:18
belly you know what I mean where they're01:10:20
like you SC you scoop it and you squirt01:10:21
it up from the sides and then you spart01:10:23
it down and slim it down your throat01:10:25
there some sort of idea about that I've01:10:26
been making you gag a lot on this01:10:28
podcast but you really have I know01:10:30
because like I don't like know you like01:10:32
this and I'm a little bit like I'm just01:10:33
used to being like do you want to change01:10:35
your panties for this take what other01:10:37
kind of Gr stuff can I tell you I wonder01:10:39
I do feel like beautiful girls like you01:10:41
are always lowkey gross do you not wash01:10:43
your jeans I wash my jeans okay we're01:10:46
good what about like I your I feel like01:10:48
your makeup bag is just like brushes are01:10:50
just like loose no I wash my brushes01:10:53
okay with your loofah01:10:56
what I do here's two gross things that I01:10:58
do that I wonder if they'll surprise you01:11:00
sometimes if I don't remember if I put01:11:01
de on I'll do it quick I'll just go by01:11:05
the way to taste it yeah because if if01:11:07
it immediately01:11:11
scringy you use deodorant I use the most01:11:14
heavy metal like B like Alzheimer's01:11:20
powered taste literally I've tried the01:11:23
natural I can't do it okay itchy the01:11:26
natural stuff to me why do you need it01:11:28
at all because I'm a stink01:11:32
bastard you don't need to wear deodorant01:11:34
yes I do why who's it for me I can't01:11:38
stand it are you kidding I can't even01:11:39
sleep if I feel like I smell like01:11:40
anything well then you but then get a01:11:42
new loofah because it's all about01:11:44
exfoliating the dead skin cells when we01:11:46
have Bo it's from dead skin there's no01:11:47
way you I think the smell that's coming01:11:49
from me is coming from my nucleus01:11:51
there's no way there's anything I'm01:11:52
doing externally that could ever stop it01:11:54
from happening but is it sweat or is it01:11:56
Bo I believe it's my bad01:12:00
thoughts it is your memories I truly01:12:02
believe it's evil thoughts and bad01:12:04
memories that are coming out of my01:12:05
armpits because it's like I I'm telling01:12:08
you I could scrub a dub as hard as I01:12:10
possibly could in the shower it's like01:12:11
the same like if I come with if if I01:12:13
don't moisturize my face within minutes01:12:15
it's so dry if I don't put deodorant on01:12:17
within minutes I'm already smelling like01:12:18
I've been working01:12:20
out what's wrong with me I don't know if01:12:22
this is true though who tells you this I01:12:25
I I can do my own but I also have a very01:12:27
sensitive sniffer so anything so maybe01:12:30
it could be in my head but anything like01:12:31
I can't even sleep if I could smell like01:12:32
Hairspray in my hair or anything like01:12:34
that I I got traumatized by the fact01:12:37
that one time I was hooking up with a01:12:39
guy I don't know how I do it01:12:42
there's I don't even know what hooking01:12:44
up means anymore I don't know if it was01:12:46
whatever but I don't know why he like01:12:49
licked near my armpit and I you know01:12:52
when you're like eyes are closed when01:12:53
you're hunging up with something but you01:12:54
kind of have them half open see what01:12:55
they're doing yeah I do that to the01:12:56
dentist too01:12:59
yeah wa he01:13:01
licked and I was kind of like had my01:13:03
eyes kind of open just to like see what01:13:04
he was up to just keep an eye on that01:13:06
little W you know what I mean you never01:13:07
know and so then I look over and he like01:13:10
licked near my armpit and then I just01:13:11
watched him go oh cuz he got the it01:13:14
because it takes the the deodorant takes01:13:16
the moisture your tongue that's how01:13:18
carcinogenic it is yes I mean yeah like01:13:21
it's a it's kind of a thrill though I01:13:23
used to put maxi pads at a stylist with01:13:25
sew Maxi Pats into my shirts because I01:13:26
would sweat so much on stage wow on01:13:29
stage oh when you're like filming a01:13:30
special doing stand up you know01:13:31
remembering all those things I wrote01:13:33
right right good for you like you really01:13:35
showed that you could remember a01:13:37
[Music]01:13:39
lot so do you guys want to come see the01:13:41
stuff I01:13:43
memorized hey guys do you want to pay01:13:44
money to come see me say a bunch of01:13:46
things I said yesterday you must have01:13:48
been a very good student were you01:13:51
pathologically yeah I was was I the01:13:55
loser no no did you ever let people copy01:13:58
off you huh I feel like I or would if01:14:02
someone asked you would be like I'm01:14:04
telling teacher no I wasn't that guy01:14:06
that's good oh yeah we never established01:14:08
how we would kill each other right I01:14:09
think you could do it on I mean if the01:14:11
room was empty and we were in like a01:14:12
padded cell I believe you could do it on01:14:13
strength01:14:15
alone I think so too but you I never01:14:18
underestimate someone with the will to01:14:19
live like like I you think I have a01:14:21
stronger will to live than you I mean if01:14:23
if like I'm sure you be like01:14:25
entertaining till the end you would just01:14:27
like as you were dying you think so you01:14:29
just like yeah You' be like as I was01:14:32
killing you just kidding just kidding01:14:36
still but what would you be like just01:14:39
you'd be like Bane from I think for me I01:14:41
feel like did you ever see in Black01:14:43
Mirror uh the episode called alligator01:14:45
tears I think it was no I get a little01:14:47
too scared for oh my God it was so good01:14:48
and she just had to kill a couple people01:14:51
and like she didn't want to do it but01:14:53
she just like did it and and she just01:14:55
was like really reluctant about it and01:14:57
like you peeing in the shower basically01:14:58
same thing same same when you're forced01:15:00
to like she would just take a baseball01:15:03
bat and just like do it you know what I01:15:05
mean wow she was like almost bored I01:15:07
feel like that's 100% it was like I01:15:09
don't want to have to do this but just01:15:10
like did it as quickly as possible and01:15:12
that's how you feel you that's what I do01:15:14
with you I feel like I would take01:15:15
something like that heavy01:15:17
candle I would like have to straddle you01:15:19
on the ground and it would just suck and01:15:21
you'd Bonk Bonk Bonk me until I was dead01:15:23
yeah or maybe my Rodney Dangerfield uh01:15:26
achievement Trophy that is really heavy01:15:28
yeah but it's on my side and now you me01:15:30
where it I'd move you from that side and01:15:32
get it and then move you back01:15:35
yeah yeah even better okay come to my01:15:37
house and I'll kill you with some of the01:15:38
stuff I have what would you kill me with01:15:40
how would you I'm obsessed with the idea01:15:41
of like how would you kill someone if01:15:43
you had to if I really had to I well I01:15:45
would obviously invite you over under01:15:47
other pretenses well I but but we're01:15:49
already in the game of see you're doing01:15:51
what I do at impro like we're in the01:15:54
room okay you have to kill me so but are01:15:56
we talking like padded cell so I have01:15:58
nothing at my disposal no no we're at01:15:59
your house or we in a room in your house01:16:01
cuz this was it I also could strangle01:16:03
you with something like this you really01:16:05
think you could if I had to or is that01:16:08
because there's some ways we see people01:16:09
die in movies that we're like does that01:16:11
really work in real life I don't know01:16:12
we've been shown it so much I know and01:16:14
then you get in there and you're like01:16:16
actually feel like using that um MacBook01:16:18
charger would not be that convenient01:16:20
dude this is the story of my life is01:16:22
thinking things are going to work B all01:16:24
take for me is get one hand in before01:16:26
you're fully around which I would and01:16:27
then you can't really get a grip on how01:16:29
do you know you would I just feel that I01:16:31
would I would have you on your stomach01:16:33
and my knees would be on your arms see01:16:36
I've been gay I know what to01:16:38
do okay you have been gay I was a lesbo01:16:41
for like two months I know how to01:16:43
straddle a gal and you and get her shut01:16:46
the the nail polish in the carpet but01:16:48
like I have done that before where I've01:16:49
seen something work so many times in TV01:16:51
and then I tried to do it in real life01:16:52
one time I was fighting with this guy01:16:54
and I just I was in my 20s like you know01:16:58
and it was like a dramatic moment and we01:17:00
were just like very immature and01:17:02
childish it was lot like storming out01:17:03
and like like like slamming doors and01:17:05
shit like that and um he like threw01:17:08
something my direction like a phone or01:17:11
something and I went to throw like a01:17:13
wine bottle oh full wine bottle it was01:17:16
like half full you know and I was like01:17:17
oh this like smash everywhere and it01:17:19
just was like thud and it like rolled01:17:21
away it was so embarrassing wow in that01:17:24
moment we both like stopped fighting and01:17:25
we're like we we literally were like01:17:27
that shouldn't that have that was so01:17:29
weird sugar glass we act we actually01:17:31
like it ended the fight cuz we both01:17:32
bonded over how weird it was that it01:17:34
didn't break wow yeah we were like01:17:36
shouldn't that have broken that was01:17:37
weird wow what Jacob's Creek man01:17:40
resilient that's the name of the01:17:42
ex-boyfriend01:17:44
no that's what he call my pussy wow um01:17:48
okay so let's talk about okay dinosaur01:17:50
you're going to be in Chicago yes we'll01:17:51
be in Chicago May 2nd to the 4th she's01:17:53
going to be guessing do01:17:55
I'll be making it up cuz I'm a lazy ho01:17:57
but let me ask you something do you like01:17:59
will you take like will you ask the01:18:02
crowd for ideas on this show of course01:18:05
this show is really fun um sheer Paul01:18:08
sheeri usually will interview someone01:18:10
from the audience and then we'll talk to01:18:12
them for a while and then we'll like do01:18:13
scenes based off of what they talked01:18:14
about have you heard of the Shakespeare01:18:16
improv company yes I know those guys01:18:18
it's supposed to be amazing yes they're01:18:20
incredible I have a friend who like says01:18:23
it's the best thing ever yeah01:18:25
no I'm just being no women in the troop01:18:27
though01:18:28
hyby that's historically accurate wasn't01:18:30
Shakespeare a woman wasn't that a thing01:18:33
could be no just starting rumors over01:18:35
here shakes Barina and then tell me01:18:36
about your podcast with Ike oh yes okay01:18:38
so that's the one that Amy is producing01:18:40
uh it's called the Chris Chapman doover01:18:42
Ike plays like a you know podcast bro01:18:45
and I'm like his token female co-host01:18:47
and Neil Casey's on it too wait I saw01:18:49
this is this on your Instagram where byy01:18:51
was yeah yeah yeah um we had get the01:18:55
invite to do oh um probably oh maybe01:18:59
said it's because you judged her work01:19:01
style and on let me check let me search01:19:04
emails Lisa01:19:06
L.I01:19:07
dos. a do org I end these very awkwardly01:19:13
I love you guys Lisa Gilroy is a genius01:19:15
um follow her on Instagram and all the01:19:17
things if you're not because she's just01:19:18
a goddamn breath of fresh air and genius01:19:20
and um I believe I discovered her I01:19:24
believe believe you01:19:27
[Music]01:19:44
[Applause]01:19:49
didDescription:
Comedic Actress Lisa Gilroy (Comedy Bang! Bang!, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Jury Duty, History Of The World, Part II) clashes with Whitney Cummings on Improv Comedy vs Stand Up, Hoe Smells, auditioning for Will Smith, Scientology & Cults and more on a brand new episode of the Good For You Podcast. Come see me live: https://whitneycummings.com/ Thank you to our Sponsors! FUNLOVE: https://funlove.com/ Code: WHITNEY ZOCDOC: https://www.zocdoc.com/whitney GENUCEL: https://genucel.com/whitney SHOPIFY: https://www.shopify.com/whitney 00:00 Crowd Work Is Not Synonymous With stand Up 09:30 First Female Director 19:24 You Are The Dorks 29:38 Crowd Work 40:00 There's No Money In Movies 53:36 Tried To Join Scientology 1:04:39 Do You Put On Body Lotion? 📢APPLE PODCASTS » https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-for-you-with-whitney-cummings/id1485527143 📢 SPOTIFY » https://spoti.fi/2NDmF40 📢STITCHER » https://www.pandora.com/restricted 📢AMAZON » https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/a04d21cd-1c83-4b3c-9b4b-b4186023c573/Good-For-You 🎥 PREVIOUS VIDEO » https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiBiFOPx_nk 👕 THE GOOD FOR YOU MERCH » store.whitneycummings.com 🛎 Subscribe to the channel it’s WILD here & hit the notification bell so you never miss a GOOD FOR YOU upload! » https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZa3lYPi8caXYxl5DeIzJgg for new videos! ✨ KEEP IN TOUCH WITH WHITNEY: TEXT ME » 818-239-7527 INSTAGRAM » https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser FACEBOOK » https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser TWITTER » http://twitter.com/whitneycummings TIKTOK » realwhitneycummings ☎️ LEAVE US A VOICEMAIL » 818-538-9940 📧 EMAIL US » goodforyoufans@gmail.com 🌟 FIND US ON SOCIALS GOODFORYOUPODCAST: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser 🐘DON’T RIDE ELEPHANTS! ❤
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