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Stephen Colbert
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00:00:00
>> Stephen: WELCOME,
00:00:01
EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
00:00:02
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
00:00:04
AND LET ME JUST SAY-- YES, SIR-- LET ME JUST SAY HAPPY FRIDAY,
00:00:08
EVERYBODY.
00:00:11
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
00:00:14
THIS WEEKEND, I'M FEELING IT.
00:00:16
THIS IS GOING TO BE A GREAT WEEKEND TO GRAB SOME BURGERS AND
00:00:17
BEERS AND HAVE A BARBEQUE, ONCE YOU'VE SOLD A KIDNEY TO AFFORD
00:00:20
THOSE BEERS AND BURGERS, BECAUSE INFLATION IS STILL RUNNING
00:00:24
RAMPANT.
00:00:25
COSTS ARE SO HIGH THAT OUR NEW FAVORITE GAME SHOW IS
00:00:28
"THE PRICE IS WHAT?!" ( LAUGHTER )
00:00:29
( APPLAUSE ) PEOPLE-- PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY--
00:00:34
( APPLAUSE ) BA-BA-BA-DA!
00:00:42
PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY FEELING THE PAIN AT THE GROCERY STORE.
00:00:49
REPORTERS ARE THAT SOME SHOPPERS ARE SAYING THE PRICE OF A BULK
00:00:56
PACK OF TOILET PAPER HAD SURGED FROM $17 TO $25.
00:01:00
THAT'S CRAZY.
00:01:02
I REMEMBER RECENTLY WHEN TOILET PAPER WAS AFFORDABLE.
00:01:06
EVEN DURING THE FIRST FEW WEEKS OF THE PANDEMIC, ALL YOU
00:01:08
NEEDED WAS SEVEN BUCKS AND THE WILLINGNESS TO BODY-CHECK THE
00:01:09
OLD LADY REACHING FOR IT INTO THE CALGON DISPLAY.
00:01:12
JUST THROW A BOW.
00:01:15
I GOT KIDS!
00:01:18
( APPLAUSE ) BUY A BIDET!
00:01:24
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, NOWHERE-- NOWHERE--
00:01:27
OF COURSE, NOWHERE ARE PRICES HIGHER THAN IN AIRPORTS.
00:01:30
A RECENT INVESTIGATION CONFIRMED THAT AIRLINE CUSTOMERS HAVE PAID
00:01:32
AS MUCH AS $27 FOR A BEER AT LAGUARDIA.
00:01:36
PROVING THAT PEOPLE WILL PAY ANY AMOUNT TO KILL THE FEELING OF
00:01:41
BEING AT LAGUARDIA. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
00:01:44
APPARENTLY-- COME VISIT.
00:01:45
COME VISIT NEW YORK.
00:01:48
APPARENTLY, THE AMOUNT TRAVELERS PAID FOR A BEER VARIED BETWEEN
00:01:55
$23 ABD $27, DEPENDING ON THE SIZE OF THE BEER.
00:01:57
WHAT SIZE ARE THESE SUPPOSED TO BE?
00:02:00
FOR $27, I WANT A CAN TOO BIG TO FIT IN THE OVERHEAD.
00:02:04
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
00:02:08
THE ECONOMY IS NO DOUBT GOING TO BE A MAJOR TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
00:02:15
THIS WEEKEND AT DAVOS THE ANNUAL CONFERENCE THAT BRINGS TOGETHER
00:02:18
BILLIONAIRES AND POLITICAL LEADERS AT A SWISS SKI RESORT
00:02:22
WHERE THEY ADDRESS CRITICAL CONCERNS, INCLUDING WEALTH
00:02:24
MANAGEMENT, CLIMATE CHANGE, AND MORE.
00:02:26
AND IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF DAVOS, YOU PROBABLY PAY TAXES.
00:02:34
AND THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE A SKOOTCH DIFFERENT BECAUSE, FOR
00:02:40
THE FIRST TIME, THE DAVOS LINEUP WILL FEATURE PSYCHEDELIC
00:02:41
SHAMANS.
00:02:42
OH, GOOD!
00:02:43
JUST WHAT BILLIONAIRES NEED: A LOOSER GRIP ON REALITY.
00:02:46
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
00:02:47
THOUGH, I WILL SAY THIS, THEY-- HI, ELON!
00:02:53
THOUGH, I'M NOT SURPRISED BILLIONAIRES TAKE MIND-BENDING
00:02:54
DRUGS.
00:02:58
ITS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN POSSIBLY EXPLAIN CHOOSING THIS
00:03:02
GOATEE, THAT COWBOY HAT, AND THIS HAIRCUT.
00:03:05
HEY, BUDDY!
00:03:08
THESE MIND-BENDING EXPERIENCES WILL BE LEAD BY A VARIETY OF
00:03:18
SPEAKERS THROUGHOUT THE WEEK, INCLUDING SYLVIA BENITO, WHO HAS
00:03:20
DEEP EXPERTISE IN AYAHUASCA AND HAS EXPERIENCE MANAGING FAMILY
00:03:21
INVESTMENTS.
00:03:22
I'M HOPING AT THE SAME TIME.
00:03:24
( LAUGHTER ) "THANKS FOR MEETING ME IN MY
00:03:27
SWEAT YURT TO GO OVER YOUR PORTFOLIO.
00:03:28
WE SPLIT YOUR INVESTMENTS BETWEEN HIGH-YIELD STOCKS,
00:03:34
MEDIUM-YIELD BONDS, AND THE SENSE MEMORY OF YOUR WRONGED
00:03:35
ANCESTORS, WHO WILL APPEAR TO YOU AS A WOLF WITH YOUR FATHER'S
00:03:37
VOICE.
00:03:39
NOW WALK WITH ME INTO THE FIRE, WHERE WE SHALL ITEMIZE YOUR
00:03:42
DEDUCTIONS!" ( LAUGHTER )
00:03:44
( APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF-- SPEAKING OF--
00:03:48
AYAHUASCA.
00:03:49
ANYBODY DONE THE AYAHUASCA OVER THERE?
00:03:51
NO?
00:03:54
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
00:03:55
SPEAKING OF RICH PEOPLE-- I'M NOT A NARC.
00:03:58
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
00:04:00
SPEAKING OF RICH PEOPLE, IF YOU INVESTED ALL YOUR MONEY IN
00:04:02
CRYPTO, YOU ARE NO LONGER RICH PEOPLE, BECAUSE OVER THE PAST
00:04:06
FEW WEEKS CRYPTOCURRENCIES HAVE MELTED DOWN IN A PERFECT STORM
00:04:10
OF FEAR AND PANIC.
00:04:15
WHICH ARE THE TWO EMOTIONS I FEEL WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO
00:04:18
EXPLAIN THE BLOC CHAIN TO ME.
00:04:24
HOW BAD IS IT?
00:04:25
LAST WEEK MORE THAN $200 BILLION WAS WIPED OFF THE CRYPTOCURRENCY
00:04:26
MARKET IN ONE DAY.
00:04:28
OR TO PUT IT IN THE KIND OF TERMS CRYPTO INVESTORS
00:04:32
UNDERSTAND: "THREE AND A HALF APE CARTOONS DROWNED IN A TWEET
00:04:34
TOKEN OF NON-FUNGIBLE DROPS."
00:04:37
( LAUGHTER ) THE CRASH IS EVEN HITTING TYPES
00:04:40
OF CRYPTO THAT WERE DESIGNED TO BE STABLE, LIKE TERRA, WHICH WAS
00:04:43
SUPPOSEDLY PEGGED TO THE U.S.
00:04:45
DOLLAR.
00:04:46
BUT THEN, IN THE WAKE OF THE CRASH, SUDDENLY "UNPEGGED"
00:04:50
ITSELF.
00:04:53
NOW, A WORD TO THE WISE: DO NOT GOOGLE "SUDDENLY UNPEGGED."
00:04:56
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
00:05:08
YOU WILL NOT LEARN ABOUT CRYPTO.
00:05:09
YOU WILL LEARN OTHER THINGS, WHICH YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO
00:05:11
UNLEARN.
00:05:12
NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
00:05:18
YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE INVESTMENT ADVICE FROM ME.
00:05:19
I'M A CLOWN.
00:05:20
I MAKE JOKES.
00:05:21
FARTS ARE FUNNY-- HA-HA.
00:05:22
I'M NO FINANCIAL PLANNER.
00:05:23
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE DOW.
00:05:26
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE DOW IS MADE OF.
00:05:32
DOWLINGS?
00:05:33
DOWTONS?
00:05:34
IS THAT WHAT THEY KEEP IN THAT ABBEY?
00:05:36
BUT I DO KNOW THAT A BIG PART OF THE APPEAL OF CRYPTO WAS THAT IT
00:05:39
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A COOL, NEW ALTERNATIVE TO THE STOCK MARKET.
00:05:41
STOCK MARKET GO DOWN, CRYPTO GO UP, LIKE GOLD.
00:05:44
BUT NOW RESEARCHERS ARE SAYING THAT CRYPTO PRICES ARE MOVING IN
00:05:46
TANDEM WITH TRADITIONAL MARKETS.
00:05:48
SO YOUR FAKE MONEY CAN DISAPPEAR AT THE SAME TIME AS YOUR REAL
00:05:53
MONEY?
00:05:54
THAT'S LIKE GETTING DUMPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND YOUR
00:05:56
SEX DOLL.
00:05:57
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
00:06:00
SEE-- AND I DON'T-- I DON'T BLAME HER.
00:06:03
I DON'T BLAME HER.
00:06:06
MAINTENANCE.
00:06:10
SEE, THIS IS HOW CRYPTO EVIDENTLY WORKS IS SOMEBODY
00:06:15
MAKES UP FAKE MONEY, AND SOME EARLY PEOPLE COME IN EARLY AND
00:06:18
BUY IT.
00:06:20
BUT LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO THEN BUY IT.
00:06:24
AND THEY HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BUY IT AND THE PRICE
00:06:27
GOES UP.
00:06:31
ONE OF THE REASONS MANY OF THOSE LITTLE PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT CRYPTO
00:06:33
IS BECAUSE OF THE BARRAGE OF CELEBRITIES WHO ENDORSED IT.
00:06:34
BUT, STRANGELY, NOW THAT THE CRYPTO MARKET HAS CRASHED,
00:06:36
THEY'RE STAYING PRETTY QUIET.
00:06:38
IN FACT, WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT, THERE WAS NO RESPONSE
00:06:42
FROM MATT DAMON, LEBRON JAMES REESE WITHERSPOON, PARIS HILTON,
00:06:45
MILA KUNIS, AARON RODGERS TOM BRADY, OR GWYNETH PALTROW.
00:06:48
WHEN WILL WE AS A SOCIETY LEARN TO STOP BUYING THINGS FROM
00:06:50
GWYNETH PALTROW?
00:06:53
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
00:06:54
I FEEL SO BAD FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE...
00:07:01
( APPLAUSE ).
00:07:02
I FEEL FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO JAMMED THAT ETHERIUM
00:07:10
UP BEHIND THEIR PERINEUM.
00:07:13
LOOJ WITH HER JADE EGG.
00:07:16
THERE'S ALSO-- IS THIS AUSTRALIA?
00:07:19
THERE'S NEWS OUT OF AUSTRALIA.
00:07:20
THEY HAVE A BIG ELECTION COMING UP, AND THE STAKES ARE HIGH FOR
00:07:22
CONSERVATIVE PRIME MINISTER AND BULLFROG THINKING ABOUT THE FLY
00:07:25
WHO GOT AWAY, SCOTT MORRISON.
00:07:30
EVER SINCE MORRISON WAS ELECTED, THE AUSTRALIAN P.M. HAS BEEN
00:07:32
DOGGED BY SCANDALS ABOUT EVERYTHING FROM ALLEGATIONS OF
00:07:34
RACISM TO HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH A PROMINENT QANON CONSPIRACY
00:07:36
THEORIST.
00:07:38
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
00:07:40
OF COURSE, DOWN THERE, POLITICIANS' REPUTATIONS GO DOWN
00:07:42
THE DRAIN COUNTER-CLOCKWISE.
00:07:44
( LAUGHTER ) MORRISON'S PRESS GOT SO BAD THAT
00:07:46
LAST YEAR, THE PRIME MINISTER WENT ON THE RADIO TO DENY THAT
00:07:50
HE'D EVER POOPED HIS PANTS AT McDONALD'S.
00:07:53
( LAUGHTER ) EVEN WORSE: NO ONE HAD ACCUSED
00:07:54
HIM OF IT.
00:07:56
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
00:08:06
NO SURPRISE-- SCOTT'S REELECTION CAMPAIGN HASN'T BEEN GOING
00:08:11
THE BEST.
00:08:14
SO HE LAUNCHED A REBOOT THIS WEEK TO GET SOME GOOD PRESS,
00:08:15
WHICH BRINGS US TO THE LATEST MORRISON NEWS:
00:08:18
"AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER SCOTT MORRISON TACKLED A CHILD TO THE
00:08:23
GROUND DURING AN ELECTION PHOTO-OP."
00:08:25
LET'S GO TO THE TAPE: >> OH!
00:08:32
>> Stephen: YEAH.
00:08:33
TO WHICH HIS CAMPAIGN RESPONDED: "CAN WE GO BACK TO THE
00:08:36
McDONALD'S POOPING THING?" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
00:08:39
TONIGHT.
00:08:41
MY GUEST IS SEBASTIAN STAN.
00:08:44
AND I'LL BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO ONE MR. SHAQUILLE
00:08:48
O'NEAL.
00:08:50
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
00:08:52
STICK AROUND.

Description:

Celebs like Matt Damon, Gwenyth Paltrow, Paris Hilton and others who made millions endorsing cryptocurrency have been remarkably quiet in recent days as the market crashed. Over in Switzerland, psychedelic shamans have been hired to guide billionaires on journeys of self discovery at this year's get-together in Davos. Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMtFAi84ehTSYSE9XoHefig?sub_confirmation=1 Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": https://www.cbs.com/shows/the-late-show-with-stephen-colbert/video/ Listen to "The Late Show Pod Show" podcast: https://link.chtbl.com/Awagtx95?sid=yt Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount+, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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