Download "Trump's Holiday Cash Grab | Release The MRI Results | The President Won't Exercise | "Kill Them All"

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"videoThumbnail Trump's Holiday Cash Grab | Release The MRI Results | The President Won't Exercise | "Kill Them All"

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The Late Show

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00:00:00

Welcome one and all in here, out there,

00:00:02

all around the world to the Late Show.

00:00:04

I'm your host Steven Colbear. [cheering]

00:00:08

What's up?

00:00:10

I want to I first I want to start off by

00:00:12

wishing everybody a happy Cyber Monday.

00:00:14

Thank you. Thank you for uh glancing up

00:00:17

from your phone to see my face. Now, get

00:00:20

back in there. There's a sale on those

00:00:22

rings that tell you you're not getting

00:00:23

enough sleep. Of [laughter]

00:00:25

course, holiday deals kicked off uh on

00:00:28

Friday, and when there's cash, the

00:00:30

president be grabbing. Last week,

00:00:34

last week, he sent an email to

00:00:36

supporters that said, "To celebrate

00:00:38

Black Friday, President Trump decided to

00:00:41

reduce the price of his iconic red MAGA

00:00:43

hat ornament to just $37."

00:00:47

That's right. For a limited time only,

00:00:49

he dramatically reduced the price of his

00:00:52

famed hat ornament, which previously was

00:00:54

available only on his website, for $30.

00:01:01

[applause]

00:01:02

So, Trump's Black Friday deal is to

00:01:05

charge you more. But wait, there's less.

00:01:08

Call now [laughter] and while you're on

00:01:10

the phone, I'll sneak into your house,

00:01:12

steal some stuff, and put your pet in

00:01:13

the dishwasher. [cheering and laughter]

00:01:17

But that's not all. Trump sent another

00:01:20

email promising a new low price on a

00:01:22

Trump calendar for $32, which is

00:01:24

available on his website for $25.

00:01:27

Okay, but for those extra seven bucks,

00:01:29

they throw in an MP3 of Lee Greenwood

00:01:32

singing all the dates. I'm proud to be

00:01:35

your calendar. Starting with January.

00:01:39

The first is first, the second is next,

00:01:42

and then comes number three. and number

00:01:45

four, five, and sometimes six. Seven

00:01:49

could be next.

00:01:51

MAGA folks are starting to notice that

00:01:53

Trump treats them like meat animals.

00:01:55

According uh to one Trump ally, people

00:01:58

voted for him to lower prices, to bring

00:01:59

manufacturing back, to stand up to those

00:02:02

taking advantage of them. They didn't

00:02:04

vote for him to build a damn gilded

00:02:07

ballroom. Ah, okay.

00:02:10

I'll have you know that the entire

00:02:12

purpose of that ballroom is to serve the

00:02:14

poor and they will be delicious.

00:02:19

Now, oh, oh,

00:02:25

you elitist don't think poor people will

00:02:27

be delicious.

00:02:29

How dare you?

00:02:31

Americans are well marbled.

00:02:37

Trump celebrated Thanksgiving in his

00:02:38

traditional way with racism. He posted

00:02:41

an anti-immigrant rant that was so long

00:02:44

he had to put in a dot dot dot, take a

00:02:47

breather, and then come back for

00:02:49

seconds. Somewhere in all of that

00:02:51

nonsense, Trump attacked Minnesota's

00:02:53

immigration policies and called Governor

00:02:55

Tim Walls the Rword.

00:02:58

>> Walls responded with four words of his

00:03:00

own. Release the MRI results.

00:03:04

>> [cheering]

00:03:06

>> In response,

00:03:08

look pretty good. It's [cheering]

00:03:10

succinct. [applause]

00:03:13

In response, Trump says he will release

00:03:15

MRI results, but doesn't know what part

00:03:17

of his body

00:03:20

was scanned. Uh, here's a theory. Maybe

00:03:23

the part that's broken is the part

00:03:26

that's supposed to know. [laughter]

00:03:30

Trump was

00:03:32

proud to be an American [applause]

00:03:37

Trump was asked about the whole thing on

00:03:38

Air Force One.

00:03:39

>> Governor Walls ask you to release the

00:03:41

the MRI records.

00:03:43

>> So if they want to release it, it's okay

00:03:45

with me to release it.

00:03:46

>> It's perfect. If you want to have it

00:03:48

released, I'll release it.

00:03:49

>> Yes, please. Can you tell us what they

00:03:51

were looking at?

00:03:52

>> For what? Releasing?

00:03:53

>> No, no, no. What part of your body was

00:03:55

the MRI looking at?

00:03:56

>> I have no idea. It was just an MRI. What

00:03:58

part of the body? It wasn't the brain

00:04:00

because I took a cognitive test and I

00:04:02

aced it.

00:04:03

>> Okay, look. No, it's true. It's true. It

00:04:06

wasn't the brain. Okay. I did so well on

00:04:09

the cognitive, they put me in the extra

00:04:11

credit tube,

00:04:14

[cheering] spun that thing around,

00:04:16

[applause]

00:04:17

took off my watch and my ring.

00:04:22

A, as per usual, after the president

00:04:24

said something, the White House

00:04:26

scrambled to justify it. This afternoon,

00:04:28

they posted a letter from the

00:04:29

president's doctor who claims the MRI

00:04:31

was given, quote, "because men in his

00:04:33

age group benefit from a thorough

00:04:35

evaluation of cardiovascular and

00:04:38

abdominal health." Okay, fair enough.

00:04:40

Uh, men in his age group also benefit

00:04:42

from retiring. So,

00:04:46

can we write

00:04:48

can we write that prescription next? Try

00:04:51

that. Try that. [applause and cheering]

00:04:54

the the the old uh abdominal MRI isn't

00:05:00

the only reason uh folks are concerned.

00:05:02

Trump's also showing more signs of

00:05:04

aging. Last week, the New York Times

00:05:05

noted that compared to his first term,

00:05:07

Trump has fewer public events on his

00:05:09

schedule and most of his public

00:05:10

appearances fall between noon and 5:00

00:05:13

p.m. working noon to 5. What a way to

00:05:17

make a living medically alive. getting

00:05:20

at Thanksgiving. But

00:05:25

>> oh wow, >> I can barely keep the rhythm. You're not

00:05:27

helping at all.

00:05:30

Please, please. [laughter]

00:05:34

That's two two song parodies in one

00:05:35

monologue. Yes. But the real reason

00:05:38

Trump might seem so lethargic is that he

00:05:40

does not get regular exercise. in part

00:05:42

because he has a longheld theory that

00:05:44

people are born with a finite amount of

00:05:46

energy and that vigorous activity can

00:05:48

deplete that reserve like a battery.

00:05:51

It's true. I'm just like a battery. I

00:05:54

got a copper top. Nobody knows the right

00:05:56

way to get rid of me. And [cheering]

00:06:00

at a at a certain age

00:06:04

[applause and cheering]

00:06:08

and at a certain age I started to leak a

00:06:11

lot of weird fluids.

00:06:14

Now green all crusty on one end.

00:06:17

[applause and cheering]

00:06:19

>> Elsewhere in the administration, it was

00:06:21

a tough weekend for defense secretary

00:06:23

and your brother-in-law at the

00:06:24

christristening saying, "Oh, what? It's

00:06:26

my fault the priest can't take a punch.

00:06:28

Pete Hags.

00:06:30

On Thursday, the Washington Post

00:06:32

published a blockbuster story on the

00:06:34

administration's first bombing of an

00:06:37

alleged drug smuggling boat back in

00:06:39

September. According to the Post

00:06:40

sources, Secretary Pete Haggath ordered

00:06:43

the Navy to quote, "Kill them all after

00:06:46

the first strike. A live drone feed

00:06:48

showed two survivors. So, the commander

00:06:50

overseeing the operation then ordered a

00:06:52

second strike to comply with Hegathth's

00:06:55

directive, killing both survivors. That

00:06:58

is that is unspeakably horrific. Though

00:07:02

I do finally understand the end of

00:07:03

Titanic,

00:07:04

>> I will never let go, Jack.

00:07:09

>> I'll never let go.

00:07:14

>> Eagle one, we got them. They let go.

00:07:18

>> [music]

00:07:20

>> Let's be clear.

00:07:22

Let's be clear. Killing unarmed people

00:07:25

floating in the ocean who are unable to

00:07:26

fight is against the uniform code of

00:07:28

military justice and all international

00:07:31

law. As one lawyer said in the National

00:07:34

Review, "It would be at best a war

00:07:36

crime." At best.

00:07:39

What's worse than a war crime? A war

00:07:42

crime with raisins.

00:07:46

Trump was asked about the scandal on Air

00:07:48

Force One.

00:07:49

>> Can you talk a little bit about the

00:07:50

strikes and the controversy around

00:07:52

Secretary of Defense Pete Hank said?

00:07:54

>> I don't know anything about it. He said

00:07:56

he said he did not say that and I

00:07:58

believe him 100%.

00:07:59

>> You don't know if there were

00:08:00

>> You're talking about the two men.

00:08:01

>> You're talking about the two men.

00:08:03

>> The two men Pete Hagath ordered killed

00:08:05

after he already blew up their boat.

00:08:07

Those two men. Yeah. I don't know

00:08:09

anything about it because [laughter]

00:08:12

because of abdomen. They don't know

00:08:16

anything about it.

00:08:17

[applause and cheering]

00:08:18

Abdomen.

00:08:20

Abdomen.

00:08:21

Kidneys. Doc. Kidneys.

00:08:23

[applause and cheering]

00:08:25

Hexath responded to the accusation of

00:08:27

murder by tweeting this image of a

00:08:29

beloved children's turtle Franklin

00:08:33

strafing fishing boats. No, you leave

00:08:36

Franklin out of this. Franklin is many

00:08:38

things. Franklin is bossy. Franklin is

00:08:41

messy. Franklin is wants a pet, but

00:08:45

Franklin is not a war criminal. That is

00:08:48

Caillou. Get them straight.

00:08:51

[applause]

00:08:53

Caillou catching a catching a stray

00:08:56

right there. [cheering] That's terrible.

00:08:59

We haven't seen such a disturbing

00:09:00

children's book since Brown Bear. Brown

00:09:02

Bear, what did you do?

00:09:07

Hegath isn't the only Trump official in

00:09:10

hot water these days. Things are not

00:09:11

going well for FBI director and

00:09:14

[cheering]

00:09:15

FBI director and normal man not high.

00:09:18

Why? Who's asking? Nobody what? I'm

00:09:20

fine. Power drugs Cash Patel. A new

00:09:24

report uh came out just yesterday from

00:09:26

current and former FBI employees. And

00:09:28

they say Patel is not very good,

00:09:31

inexperienced, in over his head, and

00:09:33

that he may be insecure.

00:09:36

>> Well, if he wasn't already, he is now.

00:09:39

[cheering]

00:09:40

The report also describes Patel's FBI as

00:09:43

a rudderless ship and all up

00:09:48

and everybody at the bureau knows it.

00:09:50

That's why their windbreakers now say

00:09:52

FBI

00:09:56

[applause]

00:09:58

working.

00:10:02

[applause]

00:10:04

The report also said that on a mission

00:10:06

back in September, Patel forgot to bring

00:10:08

his FBI jacket and refused to step off

00:10:11

the plane without wearing one, forcing

00:10:13

local FBI agents to ask around to find

00:10:16

an FBI jacket that would fit. And that

00:10:18

is not easy cuz Patel's jacket size is

00:10:21

elf on shelf.

00:10:23

We got a great show for you tonight. My

00:10:26

guests are Lady Gaga and New Jersey

00:10:29

Governor Elect. When we come back, I ask

00:10:32

some very big questions with a very big

00:10:35

star. Stick around.

00:10:39

[music]

00:10:44

[music]

00:10:56

>> [music]

00:11:02

[cheering]

00:11:03

[applause]

Description:

MAGA supporters were offered some shady Black Friday deals, the mystery around President Trump's recent MRI continues as concern about his physical and mental fitness intensifies, and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth allegedly committed war crimes while blowing up boats in the Caribbean. Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMtFAi84ehTSYSE9XoHefig?sub_confirmation=1 Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": https://www.cbs.com/shows/the-late-show-with-stephen-colbert/video/ Listen to "The Late Show Pod Show" podcast: https://link.chtbl.com/Awagtx95?sid=yt Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Follow "The Late Show" on X: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- Stephen Colbert brings his signature satire and comedy to THE LATE SHOW with STEPHEN COLBERT, the #1 show in late night, where he talks with an eclectic mix of guests about what is new and relevant in the worlds of politics, entertainment, business, music, technology and more. Featuring bandleader Louis Cato and “THE LATE SHOW band,” the Peabody Award-winning and Emmy Award-nominated show is broadcast from the historic Ed Sullivan Theater. Stephen Colbert took over as host, executive producer and writer of THE LATE SHOW on Sept. 8, 2015.

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