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00:00:00
yeah like I grew up in Scotland in the00:00:01
1970s I will unequivocally say that00:00:06
suck Pap hey don't you know it's also a00:00:12
showy I feel like because your wife00:00:15
adores me yeah that maybe there's going00:00:18
to be a limit to our friendship no no no00:00:20
no that that's nothing to do with it no00:00:22
the real reason is that I I don't hang00:00:24
out with anybody like Joe will tell you00:00:27
that I mean Joe and I have worked00:00:29
together for at least what 10 10 years00:00:32
more uh well no more if you go back to00:00:34
Late Late Show we're looking at like 1500:00:36
years 15 years yeah but we don't hang00:00:38
out I mean we hang out a little a little00:00:40
bit Yeah but we don't like I wouldn't I00:00:43
would never called Joe up and say hey00:00:44
what's what's going00:00:47
on I've been waiting for that call for00:00:49
15 years it's not going to happen Jo I00:00:51
don't call anybody off and say hey00:00:53
what's going on I I am I I swear this is00:00:56
why I struggle with the the new kind of00:01:00
community of standups where standup uh00:01:03
comedians like particularly the younger00:01:04
ones are in this kind of collegate00:01:06
environment and and they they kind of00:01:08
like they're nice to each other and00:01:09
stuff and they're friends and hang out00:01:12
like it's not why I go into it I feel00:01:14
really antisocial I was at the comedy00:01:16
store last night and this is how I roll00:01:18
I came in I had a 9:15 spot I got there00:01:20
at 9: watched the first the guy right00:01:23
before me got up did my thing walked00:01:25
offstage down the steps into my car and00:01:28
out of the parking lot James Onex and I00:01:31
really have that thing of like should I00:01:33
be hanging out more do I am I antisocial00:01:37
no you shouldn't you shouldn't be00:01:38
hanging out more you should be true to00:01:40
who you are and I'm tired of this00:01:42
[ __ ] Relentless positivity about00:01:44
people who are positive and those of us00:01:46
who have negative you know personalities00:01:49
have to pretend that we're not in order00:01:52
to be positive and I I'm like you know00:01:54
what I don't feel so [ __ ] good A lot00:01:56
of the time and and and that's why I do00:01:59
stand up00:02:00
the the idea like the that people would00:02:03
say I would like a career in standup00:02:05
comedy I'm like that's insane to me I do00:02:07
this cuz I failed everything else I know00:02:11
I know exactly that this would be a00:02:13
rational choice to well I think it is00:02:16
now though I think because I think00:02:18
actually the younger people are nicer00:02:20
and friendlier and smarter dare I say00:02:23
than us then then am I making you the00:02:26
same age as me cuz you're probably know00:02:27
I'm older than you yeah but I'm going by00:02:30
the time this airs I'll be 62 wow 62 man00:02:35
wow Joe said 65 and I said that was you00:02:38
this is another reason why we don't hang00:02:40
out Joe and I can never hang out cuz00:02:42
he's always aging me by a good three00:02:45
years he looks so much younger though00:02:48
that's how I him back I mean it's like00:02:50
thanks Jo and it it works every time I I00:02:54
but there has to be a slight annoyance00:02:56
that your wife is a fan of my comedy CU00:02:58
any anyone that my wife likes00:03:00
I don't uh I'd like them a little less00:03:04
uh you know I I got to be honest I I00:03:06
don't feel threatened by it and I'll00:03:08
tell you for why because I'm also a huge00:03:11
fan of your comedy so I feel for us it's00:03:13
kind of a shared thing okay and and it00:03:17
in a weird creepy way we will like watch00:03:20
you uhhuh00:03:25
together so I like that so it's not no I00:03:28
I am also a fan of yours okay so it's00:03:31
not like I don't like you and she does I00:03:34
like you I mean I don't look I'll be00:03:36
honest with you Tom I don't know if00:03:38
she's attracted to you sexually but she00:03:40
might be she might be uh I feel like uh00:03:44
I feel like and this is no offense to00:03:46
her but who00:03:48
cares fine married and old who wellow00:03:52
she's ready to go she's ready to go one00:03:53
of those right she's to go married old00:03:56
she doesn't need another married no yeah00:03:58
exactly that whole that whole uh part of00:04:02
life that demographic is covered it's00:04:04
fine funny how I love this can I say by00:04:08
the way the uh keante in the basket yeah00:04:12
is so beautiful I know it has a a00:04:18
1970s uh it's just everything about it00:04:21
says 1970s and I I love that I know and00:04:24
it's amazing that they there's this00:04:25
place kind of near your studio mhm What00:04:29
was a call melis maybe where they would00:04:33
I don't know if they still do it but00:04:35
they would if you bought a bottle of00:04:38
wine they would ask you to sign the00:04:41
straw when you were done and hang them00:04:42
from the ceiling so the whole place00:04:45
that's a fire hazard that's it's a00:04:47
terrible fire hazard probably why it's00:04:49
not there but I but you know I haven't00:04:51
drunk wine since it came in bottles like00:04:54
this right that that's how long it's00:04:56
been it's not a00:04:58
trigger uh I well we'll find out I don't00:05:01
think so gonna put it over yeah yeah00:05:03
maybe just put it over there just in00:05:04
case I go crazy I break it open and00:05:06
start drinking on your let me tell you00:05:09
something if I'm going to start drinking00:05:11
on a podcast and'll be my podcast cuz I00:05:14
need those numbers up if I'm00:05:17
drinking uh I baked you this bread thank00:05:20
you so much and uh I'm not sure where00:05:22
you're if you're in a hotel or what00:05:24
you're doing while you're out here uh00:05:26
I've been in a hotel and I'm going to00:05:27
another hotel but I'm flying home okay00:05:30
uh on Sunday on Sunday will it keep for00:05:33
a couple of days and then make a00:05:34
transatlantic Journey no okay it won't00:05:37
make it but I I baked this uh yesterday00:05:42
and it's a little denser it's it's a00:05:44
little denser yeah uh but it looks so00:05:47
beautiful so but then I brought you00:05:50
another loaf from my friends at lodge00:05:51
bread as a uh as a backup that you could00:05:55
I do need a backup loaf this is lovely00:05:58
and it's lovely it takes away the smell00:06:00
of former porn Studio as well which is00:06:02
tell me about Scottish food um tell me00:06:06
about who cooked for you when you were00:06:08
little when I was little my mother uh00:06:11
was the cooking our house um now my00:06:15
mother is no longer alive and neither's00:06:17
my father so I'm going to tell you the00:06:18
truth about my mother's cooking my00:06:19
mother couldn't cook for [ __ ] uh she she00:06:23
was a terrible she was a great baker oh00:06:27
she was yeah it was interesting she00:06:28
could make great um you know fairy cakes00:06:32
she used to call them and little angel00:06:34
cakes fairy and angel cakes it was all00:06:36
quasi religious baked goods all the time00:06:39
and the uh angel cakes said they would00:06:42
she' make these little cupcake things00:06:43
and cut the top off then put cream in00:06:46
and put little wings on them wa with the00:06:48
bit she cough it was beautiful sounds00:06:50
delight and fairy cakes and she was a00:06:51
great baker really good at it but for00:06:54
actual day-to-day00:06:55
food not her thing but but she was00:06:58
feeding you she was feeding us yeah well00:07:00
clearly you know I mean we uh in00:07:03
Scotland at the time I mean I grew up we00:07:06
were uh we weren't I I didn't grow up in00:07:08
a wealthy family and and Scotland at the00:07:10
time is very different to the way it was00:07:12
when I grew up um Scotland now is widely00:07:17
diverse and you know very Cosmopolitan00:07:19
and well to a degree you know like and00:07:23
uh but in the 19 late I was born in 196200:07:27
so in the late' 60s early '70s just my00:07:29
memory kind of begins then uh it was not00:07:33
like the fanciest thing you would ever00:07:35
see in your life would maybe be a bottle00:07:36
of keante in a basket right it was00:07:39
mostly egg and chips M uh on Sunday we00:07:44
used to have a chicken00:07:47
because uh that was the day we had00:07:49
chicken and the rest of the time it was00:07:52
it was fairly basic fair I remember but00:07:55
it was before mass-produced Foods really00:07:58
right so it would be kind of local00:08:00
realize now it was probably pretty good00:08:03
yeah and here's the thing everyone in my00:08:06
family is tall uhhuh and they never used00:08:09
to be and this is my theory about food00:08:11
my dad knew a guy that worked on the00:08:13
shipyards and every week because of this00:08:17
connection or every month or so every00:08:20
few weeks he would bring home a box of00:08:24
apples and a box of oranges fresh apples00:08:27
and fresh oranges and my mother used to00:08:29
put them in the hallway cuz we couldn't00:08:31
really afford candy you know but we were00:08:34
allowed to just help ourselves to an00:08:35
apple or an orange any time right and I00:08:38
think that's why all my family are you00:08:40
know or that or we're patrioty Giants I00:08:42
don't know but but everyone's like00:08:44
everyone's tall and you think it was00:08:46
because e do that yeah and yeah I think00:08:49
we had vitamin and no one to my00:08:52
knowledge in my family has had scurvy so00:08:55
that that's uh not recently00:08:57
anyway it really is kind of insane that00:09:01
we have to think about00:09:04
and listen to podcast and be told by00:09:07
experts that we really should be eating00:09:09
real food yeah that is a weird place to00:09:12
be that there's so much ultr processed00:09:15
stuff it's kind of crazy it's insane I00:09:19
and I I get when I was a kid like I can00:09:22
remember the first time I went to a00:09:23
restaurant it was 16 and it was my00:09:26
grandfather's funeral W so that was I00:09:28
there wasn't really I mean used to go to00:09:30
cafes when we were and there were a lot00:09:32
of cafes in Scotland there's a big00:09:34
Italian Community in Scotland oh really00:09:36
in Glasgow yeah so there would be CAF00:09:38
you could always get decent coffee and a00:09:41
lot of the Italian a lot of the fish and00:09:43
chip shops were owned by Italians so you00:09:46
could always get really good fresh fish00:09:49
and ice00:09:50
cream ice cream is really good nice um00:09:54
but that Italian and not really Scottish00:09:58
right um Scottish f is00:10:00
is I00:10:02
think historically it's mostly just what00:10:05
you can catch00:10:07
right like whatever it is so some of us00:10:10
like smoke salmon and and you know and00:10:12
like they do venison really well00:10:15
apparent I I can't really eat venison00:10:17
but yeah but it's a little gy it's Bambi00:10:20
you eat Bambi like give me some Bambi00:10:23
and Thumper and some fries I can go eat00:10:25
[ __ ] Bambi that's terrible my00:10:27
brother-in-law lives in New Jersey or00:10:30
New York now and uh they have land they00:10:34
have like you know moved into New York00:10:36
Oh you mean New York State yeah and they00:10:38
have land and he just started getting00:10:40
into hunting and my wife is vegetarian00:10:43
and a delightful person and very caring00:10:47
and we went to visit their new house and00:10:49
we're looking at this land is like oh00:10:51
there's probably a lot of animals and he00:10:54
said yeah you know there's there's deer00:10:55
that come right at the edge right there00:10:58
and my wife was like oh that's so nice00:11:00
he goes yeah I think I think I'm going00:11:02
to keep a gun in the bathroom CU I could00:11:04
I could actually get him right from the00:11:07
house I don't I don't understand the00:11:10
impulse you know what I mean I I'm fair00:11:13
I I I'm I mean I'm sanguin about people00:11:15
having guns but but the I don't00:11:17
understand the impulse to kill an animal00:11:19
and eat it maybe if I got hungry enough00:11:21
I'm fact I'm sure if I got hungry but uh00:11:25
but I it's them or me but hunger to me00:11:28
it was like I was talking to friend of00:11:29
mine a couple of days ago who would he00:11:31
used to be quite heavy uhhuh and he's00:11:34
lost a lot of weight and I said did you00:11:36
take the OIC uh and he said yes I did I00:11:40
said what does it do he said it just00:11:43
takes away your appetite yeah and I said00:11:46
well so he said well and so you're not00:11:48
hungry and I said I don't eat because00:11:51
I'm hungry I haven't been hungry since00:11:54
1974 I I eat because I'm sad00:11:59
eat because because f with anxiety yeah00:12:03
but e eating for Hunger I I don't know00:12:06
if I I mean I can pretend I'm hungry but00:12:09
how long is it since I had food is it00:12:10
really hungry I don't know look at me00:12:12
look do I look hungry I I don't think I00:12:15
look hungry though do you work out uh I00:12:18
kind of have to now I'm 62 if I don't00:12:21
work out it's really it's00:12:25
fast fast to fat or fast to Crazy Just00:12:29
fast fat and crazy town that my tendency00:12:32
is to gain weight very quickly uhhuh uh00:12:34
so I have to you always that way yeah00:12:37
yeah I when you were on the show when00:12:38
you had your oh night drives me so mad00:12:42
like late night like I was doing it I00:12:44
worried about my weight and my accent00:12:45
and then boom they hire James cordon00:12:47
when I like it's the fat guy with an00:12:49
accent were you worried about your00:12:50
accent at the time I thought about it a00:12:53
little at the beginning towards the end00:12:54
I didn't care about it but or towards00:12:56
the last 9 years I didn't care about it00:12:58
but interesting because it uh it was it00:13:03
really is so funny we all carry our own00:13:05
things our own insecurities but watching00:13:07
from the outside to me it always seemed00:13:10
like this must be so cool to be one step00:13:14
outside of this country in its culture00:13:18
right it's got to be so cool to be just00:13:20
sitting back and being like a little bit00:13:22
more of an observer a little bit removed00:13:25
like to me it seemed like the coolest00:13:27
thing ever that you had that accent and00:13:30
you're there like thinking do I have too00:13:31
much of an accent well I I kind of I00:13:34
think what happened in the course of00:13:36
being on that show I became an American00:13:37
citizen and I00:13:39
also uh I immersed myself completely in00:13:44
being an americ I'm completely identify00:13:46
as an American now I an American00:13:49
absolutely and I uh you know and I like00:13:54
it's funny I'm reading have you read00:13:55
gorvy dal's biography of Aon bar yes did00:13:59
read that spectacular book spectacular00:14:02
book but of course deals with a lot of00:14:04
the the input of my people and you know00:14:08
and Irish people and of course I'm half00:14:10
of my family are Irish anyway so right00:14:12
so and the the kind of how bad we all00:14:15
are the anger00:14:18
bad you know and like but also some good00:14:21
but also some very very bad and but how00:14:25
American we are right you know part of00:14:28
the American story for good or ill is00:14:30
the input of the Scots and the Irish00:14:32
which is what I am and um and that's uh00:14:38
that's how I identify now it's how I00:14:39
think of myself as an American what is00:14:42
there a mental shift like do you know00:14:45
like when you say you identify as an00:14:47
American what what mentally does that00:14:50
mean I feel like the the like the where00:14:56
I am in Phil iic like when I'm in00:15:00
Scotland I feel more of an outsider than00:15:01
when I'm in America like I feel like I00:15:05
feel like here I fit inh and I feel00:15:07
there I don't but that could be just00:15:09
being Scottish cuz being Scottish I00:15:12
think everybody probably feels like they00:15:13
don't fit in right might be part of00:15:16
being Scottish but or or being the type00:15:19
of person that becomes a comedian MH00:15:21
that that I don't belong to anything00:15:23
like you talked about The Comedy Store00:15:24
I've never been in there really never00:15:26
been in really yeah should go no I don't00:15:30
think I should why not what the [ __ ]00:15:32
would I do get up on stage and why I do00:15:35
that for work it still works yeah well00:15:38
but yeah so I I work for do they pay you00:15:42
I I don't know I'm not really sure no I00:15:45
I mean look I I do it because I I love00:15:47
to do it and I it's how I express myself00:15:49
but it is my job and also I I can't00:15:53
imagine like you know if I was you know00:15:56
uh a painter in fact I had a friend of00:15:59
mine who was a painter a very good00:16:00
painter he he's dead now sadly like most00:16:03
successful painters and um but he was00:16:06
very popular in New York uh in the 1980s00:16:09
and we were in a restaurant one of the00:16:11
CAF Des artist where you draw things on00:16:13
the table uh I said you should draw00:16:16
something he went oh00:16:17
no why he said oh no no no that's not00:16:21
how it's done right it was kind of like00:16:24
I kind of feel a little bit like that I00:16:26
feel I know what you're saying but the00:16:28
reason I like it is that I like I don't00:16:32
like I feel like I have to make myself00:16:35
go into places where maybe a lot of the00:16:38
people don't know me and I have to try00:16:42
and still make them laugh like you can00:16:44
end up your audience comes to see you00:16:46
all the time and it's a nice it's a nice00:16:48
space I like to walk into well they00:16:51
don't know you yeah like 18year olds who00:16:53
were making out and looking at you like00:16:55
who the hell are you no I have no desire00:16:57
to do that at all00:17:00
you don't like pain well I I I I feel00:17:03
like I did it I I I mean I I did plenty00:17:06
of years of people going who the [ __ ]00:17:08
are you and I I when I started there00:17:11
wasn't even comedy clubs right it wasn't00:17:14
a comedy club it wasn't like and now00:17:15
your next comedian or welcome your00:17:17
headliner or there's none of that [ __ ]00:17:19
there was like they would stop playing00:17:21
they would it would be music clubs and00:17:22
glasgo uhuh and they would say that00:17:25
somebody would come on a microphone from00:17:26
behind a desk a DJ desk and say uh the00:17:29
next band will be on in uh 15 minutes00:17:31
but first here's a [ __ ] that thinks he's00:17:34
funny that and that would be it that00:17:36
would be my my 10 minutes so yeah I I00:17:40
feel like I I put it in that time and I00:17:44
don't it's not that I object to not00:17:46
being known look it's fine but to seek00:17:50
it out no no yeah I feel like I don't00:17:54
know I feel like it just keeps me in00:17:56
check a little bit Yeah would you want00:17:58
to keep yourself check for I mean it's00:18:00
like it's like that thing you do in the00:18:01
act like people I've heard you do it00:18:04
it's a great bit when you say so your00:18:05
£10 heavier you're 15s heavier so let me00:18:09
just turn it around so you're [ __ ]00:18:11
crazy and eurotic you're a stand up00:18:13
comedian you're crazy it's not a it's00:18:16
not a non- crazy job no it is it's like00:18:19
it's not like wow like people say this00:18:22
all the time about when I was doing late00:18:24
night ever met someone super fancy Super00:18:26
Famous you know and people would always00:18:28
say were they nice and I would say I00:18:32
don't know uh sometimes they were polite00:18:35
but were they nice I don't know and00:18:36
anyway why does that matter right you00:18:38
know it's like I know you met Picasso00:18:40
yeah was he nice what does the [ __ ]00:18:43
matter I don't know I mean but niceness00:18:47
seems to be the real currency of yeah uh00:18:51
yeah weird it is a weird first question00:18:55
all the time yeah are they what are they00:18:57
like are they nice would they like me00:19:02
like no they're really weird yeah very00:19:05
very it's it's the thing that I I made00:19:08
this mistake about Tom Cruz mhm I used00:19:11
to like I did bits about Tom Cruz and00:19:14
the act when he jumped on Oprah's couch00:19:15
and all that and I made fun of him and I00:19:17
regret that uhhuh we need Tom Cruz yeah00:19:21
we need Tom Cruz to jump on Oprah's00:19:23
couch we need because we need him to00:19:24
make those movies cuz those movies are00:19:26
great they're not just oh did you like I00:19:28
don't care who you are that is a great00:19:30
movie that Top Gun Sega movie I don't00:19:32
even [ __ ] know where to start with00:19:34
how great a movie that is and and who00:19:37
who can do who's got the [ __ ] coonies00:19:40
to spend that amount of money and then00:19:41
Co comes along and they say oh just00:19:43
stream it and Tom's like no we wait00:19:46
until the movie theater's open and he00:19:47
saves the movie business I'm going to00:19:49
save the movie business yeah and I like00:19:51
no I I I regret mhm saying that Tom was00:19:55
Cra Crazy like that's negative I still00:19:57
think he's crazy yeah but but I think00:20:00
it's awesome there is a weird I agree00:20:03
with Tom Cruz 100% uh there is a weird00:20:06
thing and you you must know this more00:20:10
than most the talk show host to the00:20:13
guest thing is it's amazing how the old00:20:19
shows have been held up like look at00:20:21
Dave talking to this young girl and00:20:23
flirting with her look at uh look at how00:20:26
they're making fun of Britney Spears00:20:28
look at like it really they it's kind of00:20:30
gone through uh this filter right uh and00:20:35
I don't know if it's I mean it's seems00:20:37
so you know part of it is being caught00:20:39
up in the we're trying to check00:20:41
everything right but I as a host if00:20:44
you're there with this beautiful actress00:20:47
who's dressed to let everyone know how00:20:50
beautiful they are right to not comment00:20:54
or flirt or have that moment well I00:20:56
would I would flirt with anyone uh male00:20:58
or female I I mean I I wouldn't because00:21:01
it's it's artifice right it's a show00:21:04
right you know so it's yeah doing a bit00:21:07
yeah yeah it's a bit so I don't feel00:21:10
like it's but through the lands of now00:21:13
MH um I don't know I mean it it things00:21:17
are different like I remember doing the00:21:20
Late Night show and I would like I I00:21:23
would tear up the cards for the00:21:25
interview I would not do the monologue I00:21:27
would you know do something else I would00:21:29
talk about but I think because uh00:21:32
everything is a little uh more uh00:21:35
precarious and I mean more for the00:21:37
guests really like a publicist would say00:21:41
we can't do that because we don't know00:21:43
what how the conversation is going to go00:21:45
and that's too dangerous for my client00:21:47
ex whoever it is and I think it would be00:21:50
it would be difficult to get guests on00:21:52
on a show the way I used to do it right00:21:55
I don't know I'm not going to do it00:21:57
again but it it but it's interesting00:21:59
because then now we have this emergence00:22:01
of these kind of shows right where the00:22:04
audience wants you to talk deeper and00:22:06
longer and and be more revealing but the00:22:08
audience chooses it like broadcast00:22:11
television is like uh you know you fell00:22:13
asleep when Dave was on and then you00:22:15
woke up and I was on right and and so I00:22:18
would get whatever was lying around but00:22:21
you you you're this show is a show of00:22:24
your valtion I'm going to you know who's00:22:26
on Tom's podcast oh Craig F I [ __ ]00:22:28
hate hate him so I'll wait till the next00:22:29
one or or I like him and I'll I'll00:22:32
listen to you know whatever it is but00:22:34
you find you find your stuff now it's00:22:36
not broadcast isn't really I don't think00:22:38
it's really even possible unless it's a00:22:40
like the Super Bowl or something yeah00:22:42
and then it's broadcast everyone but a a00:22:45
broad like literally a broad cast of of00:22:49
entertainment I don't I think that's00:22:51
probably redundant now is an idea yeah00:22:54
the thing that really stuck with me when00:22:56
when we spoke last was how you were00:23:00
talking about the late night00:23:03
gig for Americans who grew up as kids00:23:07
watching and trying to get those gigs00:23:10
right was like a a00:23:13
lifelong sentence it was like you got00:23:15
that gig and you would never leave it00:23:17
and for you it was like coming from the00:23:19
outside it was like no this is a gig and00:23:21
I don't have to do it forever and after00:23:23
a certain amount of time I'm going to go00:23:24
do the next thing I'm going to do and it00:23:26
was such like it really is this mental00:23:28
oh I know it was it was like I had00:23:30
committed some kind of blasphemy when I00:23:33
was like you know and no one ever00:23:35
believes it right you know is like you00:23:37
nah I'm I'm done that like 10 years is a00:23:40
long time for me to do anything and they00:23:43
uh people like oh oh yeah whatever fine00:23:48
yeah he must be sick something's going00:23:50
on or yeah you got fired right go sure I00:23:54
go I mean I probably would have if I H00:23:56
out long enough um do you feel like it's00:23:58
been a uh creatively a uh cool move for00:24:02
you like do you feel since you are freed00:24:04
up from the daily doing the show00:24:08
like00:24:10
creatively yes I think it00:24:14
is uh I don't know if I've created00:24:18
anything that that I thought I couldn't00:24:21
no you know what I wrote a book after00:24:23
late night and I don't think I would00:24:24
have written that book while I was doing00:24:27
it right uh and I've done a couple of00:24:29
things where I mean I've done shows like00:24:31
game shows and stuff like that was like00:24:34
creative I guess you know but yeah but00:24:37
there's a couple of things I've done I00:24:38
thought and I am writing a book right00:24:40
now which is taken forever oh yeah um00:24:43
and the uh Peter Cook used to say did00:24:46
that tell you this yeah whenever Peter00:24:47
Cook used to say00:24:49
uh um when someone said they were00:24:52
writing a book he would always say00:24:53
neither am I00:24:58
but uh like but but creatively yes I00:25:01
think it I was done doing that yeah so I00:25:04
think yes I think probably creatively it00:25:06
was a good idea but right uh I feel00:25:10
like the great danger that I don't know00:25:13
if you suffer from this but I I have00:25:15
this horrible habit MH like if I begin00:25:18
anything like I start writing a a00:25:22
book like it was you know it was a sunny00:25:25
day and you know the flowers were just00:25:27
opening and by the time I get to the end00:25:29
of the sentence I'm thanking everyone00:25:32
for the award I'm winning for the book00:25:33
that I haven't written yet you know what00:25:35
I mean like and I'd like to thank you00:25:38
for all being here today and this book00:25:40
has been a struggle and you're welcome00:25:42
now you have to go back to the beginning00:25:44
write the book again I do have this00:25:46
thing where I became conscious of it a00:25:49
long time ago like really early the same00:25:53
thing that as I'm I'll be writing or00:25:57
writing a joke or writing something00:25:58
longer whatever and uh I start thinking00:26:03
about oh I've got to send this to00:26:04
somebody immediately yeah I think00:26:07
someone's got to well now a lot of young00:26:09
artists now they do that that they will00:26:12
include their uh fans or admirers or00:26:15
audience in the process of of of doing00:26:19
whatever they're making yeah um and00:26:21
there's all I remember you know Kevin00:26:22
Bacon yeah so I was talking to Kevin00:26:25
some he was doing some like pretty00:26:27
serious drama for uh um Amazon uhhuh and00:26:33
it was that was that I can't remember00:26:35
where it was but it was pretty intense00:26:36
then you know Kevin does some real he's00:26:38
a proper actor yeah and uh and he was00:26:41
talking about it and he said they want00:26:42
me to tweet out about it while I'm doing00:26:45
it he said it's really frustrating00:26:47
because my whole job is to try and00:26:49
convince you I'm not [ __ ] get right00:26:52
yeah and then you have to go oh it was00:26:53
really sunny the day this happened and I00:26:55
was so hungry when I was pretending to00:26:58
to be a killer and you know it's like Oh00:27:00
weird I do really admire people who00:27:04
don't do it who don't participate in it00:27:06
it really you can still create that00:27:08
allore of it's the aspirational position00:27:12
of today's society is to not be00:27:14
connected to social media yeah and and I00:27:17
feel like that's if I have a goal in00:27:19
Show Business now is to get that [ __ ]00:27:22
out of my [ __ ] life the I think that00:27:25
social media and I'm want to be very00:27:27
specific about social media not talking00:27:28
about phones not talking about the00:27:31
wonders of the new technology it's00:27:33
amazing that that shit's incredible I00:27:36
love it but social media MH00:27:41
unrestricted digital bathroom walls for00:27:43
everyone to write on that has taken over00:27:46
and now all media is social media yeah00:27:48
it is possibly the worst thing that's00:27:50
happened to Human Society in year in00:27:53
years and like maybe since oh I don't00:27:56
know colera00:27:59
it's awful what is the worst part of it00:28:03
I think it is the it it is the the what00:28:07
it does I can only speak for what it00:28:09
does to me is it makes me feel paranoid00:28:13
and Afraid and I'm not quite sure why00:28:15
but it it engenders in me a kind00:28:18
of and I think it does it to I mean I00:28:20
have children and I don't I I'm you know00:28:23
my older son is very uh connected to uh00:28:27
the digital world he's an animator he00:28:29
has to be and and my younger son has00:28:32
very restricted access to it which he's00:28:35
actually very comfortable with how old00:28:36
he's 13 uhhuh and I think that um you00:28:41
know he he fights about it a little bit00:28:43
but not really I mean I I think it's a00:28:46
relief yeah because I think you know00:28:48
that feeling when people say I'm going00:28:49
to detox from social media if you're00:28:52
detoxing for something that means it's00:28:54
tox if you're toing if it's [ __ ]00:28:56
toxic then it's tox00:28:58
yeah and and I you know it is a struggle00:29:01
I'm not going to deny it when I found00:29:05
that magnifying glass thing on Instagram00:29:08
I was like I lost two days of my life00:29:10
until I went whoa and I had to get rid00:29:12
of cuz I was like oh airplane landing oh00:29:16
cat doing something cute oh horrible00:29:18
murder oh yeah that's Pandora's Box man00:29:22
I don't think that the human brain is00:29:26
equipped to take a that much that it's00:29:29
too much it's way too much and I I I00:29:32
don't know maybe other more qualified00:29:34
people can do it but I can't and I I do00:29:37
believe that the aspirational position00:29:39
is in Show Business now is not to win an00:29:42
oscar but is to not have a [ __ ]00:29:44
social media Presence at all and still00:29:46
make a living I know my pal Matt Damon00:29:50
does not do it and I'm not familiar with00:29:52
that J he's an actor I I I love you if00:29:56
he was a social media I could you can00:29:58
show me is he on Instagram cuz if he's00:30:00
not but it's so cool it really is so00:30:03
much it's he it's so much better we when00:30:06
do we get to see Matt when he's in a00:30:08
movie when he's in a movie when he00:30:10
decides he wants to show you him yeah if00:30:12
he wants to come on a late night show or00:30:13
something like that but it's not going00:30:15
to be every day and this is my wife and00:30:17
my kids and my breakfast and all the00:30:19
rest of it and see I've got social media00:30:21
presence in the sense that you know hey00:30:24
everyone I'm going to be at the Irvine00:30:25
Improv right right well I do that then I00:30:29
give it to someone and they put it on00:30:30
the account yes I know that's yeah that00:30:33
is a big relief it's a expensive but I00:30:37
it's kind of worth it I think it is00:30:38
worth that's the thing as a working00:30:40
comic it's like you know you want people00:30:43
to know and see where you're coming you00:30:44
need people to know where you're going00:30:45
and and if that's how people get to know00:30:47
that's how they get to know and so on00:30:49
one hand it's very it's it's very00:30:52
convenient but to consume social media00:30:55
that's the thing if you're putting it00:30:56
out that's one thing but if to to all of00:30:58
a sudden yeah and it really it's as00:31:01
strong and intelligent as I think I am00:31:04
at times walking through my bathroom uh00:31:08
it's stronger than I am oh yeah I also00:31:12
it's the it's now used as a source for00:31:15
so-called legitimate media of which00:31:16
there is none I know you know so they'll00:31:19
say people are really angry about well00:31:21
who you know five five people on Reddit00:31:24
or or that's not a [ __ ] poll I saw as00:31:26
part of a news00:31:28
like a real newscast and they said Bob00:31:31
on X said this I'm like who's Bob it was00:31:34
just a random it tweet just take it out00:31:37
your computer and throw that piece of00:31:40
[ __ ] at the toilet wall and keep00:31:42
going uh does it does it create uh00:31:47
workplace Envy or any of that stuff or00:31:51
is it more just the onslaught of yeah I00:31:55
think what you mean like if you see00:31:56
other people doing well yeah we just had00:31:58
the festival so I had to post a lot for00:32:00
the Netflix as a joke Festival you're00:32:02
posting and this is fun and we're all00:32:03
doing this stuff but then at a certain00:32:05
point it starts to tip over and it's00:32:06
like well that guy's selling out an00:32:08
arena and this guy is doing that and all00:32:11
of a sudden these thoughts I don't care00:32:13
I don't have all it can do that but then00:32:16
you have to get the scale and I think00:32:19
that social media doesn't give you scale00:32:21
but I think the thought process if you00:32:23
think about things for a little minute00:32:24
it does give you a sense of scale so for00:32:26
example if comedian you feel envious00:32:29
about is selling out an arena or or a00:32:33
stadium um and then you think well who00:32:36
else what other comedians have sold out00:32:39
stadiums there's a few of them and then00:32:41
you go do you want that no no I don't I00:32:46
don't want that and you know it it's00:32:48
getting stuff in perspective I think the00:32:51
the to be fed your perspective is to rob00:32:55
you of your own perspective and I know00:32:57
that people think that they can handle00:32:59
social media and maybe they can I'm not00:33:01
saying that they look a lot of people00:33:02
can handle alcohol and and be fine with00:33:04
it yeah I can't right and that's just00:33:07
the way it is yeah I agree there are00:33:09
certain people that stir [ __ ] up on00:33:11
social media and they love the vitriol00:33:13
and going and they really do seem to00:33:17
enjoy it they get into it I have no no00:33:20
thanks no thank you no it's like that00:33:22
you know yeah that's made everyone mad00:33:25
why did you do it I know everyone mad00:33:29
but I don't know I grew up where the00:33:31
school that I went to and the and the00:33:32
way that I moved around when I was a kid00:33:34
you made someone mad you there was00:33:36
violence was at the end of that so it00:33:39
became you don't want to make people mad00:33:41
right um you get punched in the face00:33:44
right so so I I feel like I've held on00:33:46
to that a little bit like don't make00:33:48
anyone mad you get it's really you get00:33:51
hurt it is a Wonder though like if you00:33:55
do go to the little magnifying glass and00:33:57
you put some decent things you want to00:33:59
see and it starts feeding you for the00:34:02
day you'll just start noticing very00:34:04
positive cute little things okay and you00:34:07
seem like oh this is this is lovely00:34:09
social media is a delight yeah and then00:34:12
little bit Yeah there like little poison00:34:15
I I know I know I know we've been00:34:17
watching cat videos for an hour but00:34:20
here's a little murder just in case you00:34:21
like this murder it's like all right all00:34:24
right and then you00:34:25
go and like I notic it's not now what00:34:28
the uh on the Tablo remember there used00:34:31
to be Supermarket tabloids and and now00:34:34
they're being legitimized cuz they00:34:35
called them like websites and stuff but00:34:37
it's still the same thing and what they00:34:39
will do now I think this is fascinating00:34:40
they put up headlines that you can't00:34:44
understand so it goes man in shop00:34:46
invents wheel that suddenly hits him and00:34:50
he falls over and people are laughing00:34:53
Palestine and you go what the [ __ ] and00:34:56
you click on it engagement they got you00:34:59
and it's not like you have to read it00:35:00
you don't have to read it they've got00:35:01
what they want they got the click that's00:35:02
it that's all fine move on right so you00:35:04
don't it's not even MH or maybe they00:35:08
suffer from what I suffered from today00:35:11
which is spell check which is oh yeah00:35:14
somebody texted me and said what time00:35:15
you get to Tom's podcast and I wrote as00:35:17
I was driving I shouldn't have done it00:35:18
was a light I went I'll be there00:35:21
approximately uh 11:45 and then I looked00:35:25
back at it it's coming in it said I'll00:35:26
be there aroma therapy P 11:45 I was00:35:30
like oh so I clicked on and then they00:35:31
got00:35:33
me I have the thing on00:35:36
on the on Apple it's putting an00:35:39
underline under correctly spelled words00:35:42
uhhuh and I'm like why why are you00:35:45
doubting my just to [ __ ] with you yeah I00:35:48
listen I believe it yeah I'm like what00:35:50
are you doing but I think there's a00:35:51
whole lie about tech as well that you00:35:53
know like the The Tech Community in you00:35:56
know in Northern California and all that00:35:58
they're just 19th century industrialists00:36:00
it's the same [ __ ] impulse Absolut00:36:03
you know it's not you know they're no00:36:04
better than any of the other [ __ ]00:36:06
Empire Builders00:36:07
of yeah I mean they don't [ __ ] like00:36:10
oh they're you know they care about they00:36:12
don't give a [ __ ] about any more than00:36:14
Andrew carnegi cared about libraries00:36:16
until he saw the Grim rer coming to him00:36:18
like you know what maybe we should have00:36:20
some libraries for everybody right00:36:24
God well I didn't do the libraries you00:36:27
did that's true yeah what do you think00:36:30
of00:36:31
AI uh I'm a fan you're a fan yeah00:36:34
because at least it's uh it's a robot00:36:38
and you can [ __ ] with it in much more00:36:40
funny way I don't feel I feel like it00:36:42
won't get mad at me so maybe that's why00:36:44
I like it right I downloaded chat gbt a00:36:46
couple of days ago because I'd heard00:36:48
about it and I was like you know what00:36:49
I'm going to look at it and so I said I00:36:51
asked it cuz I thought oh this could be00:36:53
great write me a short Craig Ferguson00:36:56
routine about Gira00:36:58
uhhuh and I thought and to see if it can00:36:59
write I wasn't writing it but I thought00:37:01
it's random enough giraffes we'll see00:37:04
and then it I thought and it wrote a00:37:06
short routine apparently in my style00:37:09
about giraffes and I thought man I00:37:10
really00:37:12
suck I'm a really [ __ ] terrible00:37:15
comedian or my delivery is great one of00:37:18
the one cuz the material is shocking on00:37:21
paper it's sh what's the deal with00:37:22
giraffes ladies and gentlemen and I'm00:37:24
like what did I say that and then do I00:37:25
say hey folks when giraffes are are00:37:27
drinking they look stupid and I'm like00:37:29
do they I don't even feel like that's00:37:32
true um so I I could have but of course00:37:35
I got into what I would of course end up00:37:38
doing is I started asking it about the00:37:40
existence of God and you know and then I00:37:42
realized it's just a search engine right00:37:44
I know it's just a so it just goes to it00:37:47
just you know it's kind of disappointing00:37:48
when you go through it I know I mean00:37:50
maybe it'll I'm sure it'll change it's00:37:52
going to be become more and more00:37:54
sophisticated but at this point it's00:37:55
it's just like going to Google that00:37:58
types out the its replies I think that's00:38:00
kind of it what I have noticed though I00:38:02
was in San Francisco a couple of days00:38:04
ago and I've noticed that in La now as00:38:05
well is uh the driverless taxis which I00:38:09
presume is an AI thing00:38:11
right um and that I think I'm like oh00:38:15
that's kind of creepy also I was at a00:38:17
hotel today and I was leaving I came out00:38:19
the elevator and I bumped into the robot00:38:21
that was cleaning the floor00:38:24
oh what do you mean it was cleaning the00:38:26
floor it was a robot and it was just00:38:28
just cleaning the floor and I was like00:38:30
oh my God I was like sorry I guess I saw00:38:33
that in the airport there was something00:38:35
going through and watching the human00:38:37
reaction of everybody like whoa looking00:38:40
at each other no like oh there's a robot00:38:42
you go wait you see the autopilot on00:38:44
your plane you're going to [ __ ] your BS00:38:46
yeah but it's it's I think that like a I00:38:50
mean I don't know if you remember00:38:52
this I've been hearing for years like00:38:55
maybe 40 years I'm00:38:58
that you know it's going to be00:38:59
driverless cars in five years mhm yeah00:39:02
uh but now I've seen some uhhuh so maybe00:39:06
it will happen maybe it and you know00:39:09
things change and that's all right00:39:10
grandpa will get over it and then he'll00:39:11
die you know I mean that's it's the way00:39:14
it is yeah but it's a weird thing though00:39:17
you see people who seem to be in the00:39:19
know about it and they seem to have a no00:39:25
this is it's begun yeah it's happening00:39:29
yeah and get ready yeah you know what I00:39:31
mean yeah that's fear though that's the00:39:33
fear industrial complex that's how you00:39:34
click mhm it's like it's really really00:39:38
bad well here's the thing look at some00:39:41
history it's always been really really00:39:44
[ __ ] bad look at gor Vidal's uh uh00:39:48
biography of burr look at the election00:39:51
like maybe the second election in the00:39:52
United States of America when they're00:39:54
like this whole [ __ ] place is going00:39:55
up yeah and every election sense this is00:39:58
the [ __ ] one this is the one yeah you00:40:02
know maybe one day they'll be right you00:40:04
know I know I I was I was cheerleading00:40:07
for my sister the other day oh yeah she00:40:09
was she was uh she was just down about00:40:13
the world she we got some good news in00:40:15
the family and I was like oh this is00:40:17
great and she's said yeah so we got some00:40:19
good news in this in this horrible world00:40:22
and she's not that kid she's not that00:40:25
pessimist and I was like what do you00:40:28
mean this horrible world what do you00:40:29
mean I said look we just got this great00:40:32
news you have this great business we00:40:34
have this great family you were doing00:40:36
all these things he goes yeah but things00:40:38
are so bad out there I'm like they've00:40:40
always been bad you have also it's kind00:40:42
of like here's an example San Francisco00:40:45
you look at social media S Type San00:40:47
Francisco into social media and00:40:49
unbelievable right go to San Francisco00:40:52
yeah it's exactly the same as it always00:40:54
was I know like it's exactly the same I00:40:56
know in fact if anything kind of a00:40:59
little better maybe kind of a little00:41:01
better and I was like wow I I'm kind of00:41:04
shocked I had that lesson when uh during00:41:06
the P the end the beginning of the00:41:08
pandemic that first summer yeah when00:41:10
Portland on was on fire it was like00:41:13
there was they were rolling skelet00:41:15
skulls through the streets it was just00:41:16
brutal and I had a gig I was like I00:41:18
booked going to Helium Comedy Club there00:41:20
were 10 people allowed in the in the00:41:22
club but really went out I was like I'm00:41:24
going to go I just I have to go and and00:41:28
my daughter was going to come with me00:41:30
and we were looking at CNN it was like00:41:32
we're going there we're going to00:41:34
Portland and Trump is talking about how00:41:36
it's a failed City and things are on00:41:38
fire and I'm like we got to go let's00:41:40
just go we have the show people are00:41:42
coming and we we get off the plane00:41:45
within 15 minutes we're at this taco00:41:47
truck food truck and the sun shining and00:41:50
all these lovely Portland nightes are00:41:52
like hanging around Fred Armon is there00:41:54
doing a bit and and and yeah there was00:41:56
[ __ ] going on in this one block downtown00:41:58
where the cameras were and the rest was00:42:00
life it was just life and if you had00:42:04
digested everything that CNN was giving00:42:05
you you would never have gotten on the00:42:07
plane you go crazy that's but that's00:42:10
that's the it's one of the things I you00:42:12
know I went back and lived in the UK for00:42:14
a while and I've since moved back but I00:42:17
would watch these documentaries in on00:42:19
like British reputable stuff by00:42:22
reputable journalists and they'll say00:42:24
[ __ ] like you know the thing about00:42:26
Americans is00:42:27
the and I'm going which ones which00:42:30
[ __ ] ones are we talking like they00:42:32
talk about it like it's a small town00:42:35
just outside of Birmingham you know it's00:42:37
like it's like on Americans loonies you00:42:41
go well not all of them you know and yes00:42:44
some of them but look at you know it it00:42:47
has this this odd thing but they will00:42:49
say things like you know people I00:42:52
remember when I lived in in uh Malibu00:42:54
and people would say oh you keeping00:42:56
clear of the fires you know I'd be like00:42:58
I don't know what you're talking about00:43:00
apparently there was fires up the coast00:43:02
I mean I saw two fires in uh yeah in00:43:05
California when I was here MH um I'm not00:43:08
saying they didn't happen they did but00:43:09
it's a big St it's a big place it's00:43:12
always like whenever my mother would00:43:13
call about something happening in New00:43:15
York when I lived in New York and be00:43:16
like that Transformer blew I was like00:43:19
it's four blocks away yeah you00:43:21
understand how much life is between me00:43:23
and four blocks away I was recently00:43:26
moved by to New York within the last00:43:28
year and oh really yeah and I was00:43:29
talking to someone in a store and they00:43:31
didn't have what I wanted and they said00:43:33
we've got it in our other store in 3400:43:35
Street I'm like I don't go below 79th00:43:37
Street what the hell is wrong with you00:43:39
and they said I00:43:41
know I know I don't even know why I said00:43:44
it I guess we could go I'll get a hotel00:43:47
and Midtown are you [ __ ] nuts I'm not00:43:49
going to Midtown why did you come back00:43:51
to New York I missed it I missed America00:43:55
I missed the I'm an American I feel more00:43:57
comfortable here for all of its problems00:44:00
yeah and I don't think anyone in on00:44:02
Earth even the most resoundingly00:44:05
patriotic America and wouldn't say that00:44:08
America didn't have problems but it's00:44:11
where I belong For Better or Worse is00:44:13
where I belong it's where I where I fit00:44:16
because kind of nobody fits so I kind of00:44:18
think oh I fit in the place where where00:44:21
there's a lot of different ways to fit00:44:22
in I guess in America right especially00:44:24
New York especially New York yeah New00:44:27
York belongs to the world I think it's00:44:30
it does 100% it's Sensational City yeah00:44:34
just sens it's it really is I mean and00:44:36
it's got a lot of problems yeah yeah but00:44:40
it's amazing I was talking with uh we00:44:43
had uh Barbara corkrin on from uh Shark00:44:46
Tank and she built up this giant real00:44:47
estate Empire and she was going through00:44:49
her story of starting out real estate in00:44:52
New York and how at the time the Upper00:44:55
West Side was not even con considered00:44:58
livable yeah I think I can remember that00:45:01
it was like why would you even try and00:45:04
sell an apartment on the upper Wester00:45:07
West Side I know now it's like the Paris00:45:10
you know it's crazy it's the best but00:45:12
it's it's a00:45:14
changing uh there's a guy called George00:45:17
Han when I was on social media I used to00:45:18
follow he's a guy that lives in the00:45:20
Upper West Side he's kind comedian and's00:45:21
a funny guy and he does these little New00:45:24
York minute things he's fantastic00:45:27
yeah you should uh if you're still if00:45:29
you're going to stay on social media00:45:31
follow him CU he does like angry but00:45:34
very funny bits about New York very00:45:36
intelligent little pieces about New York00:45:38
yeah yeah I mean it look I we were there00:45:42
uh in like00:45:45
2010 to like 14 mhm and my kids were00:45:49
little and then we left and came to LA00:45:52
and did all the stuff and then they went00:45:53
back and I had to tell them that moment00:45:57
when we were in New York and you kids00:46:00
were running up the subway platform and00:46:03
it was a it was an illusion it was this00:46:05
golden moment of New York that didn't00:46:08
exist before and probably won't after00:46:11
right this was very Keep Your Head on a00:46:13
swivel yeah stuff is real but life life00:46:16
is like that it keeps it keeps moving it00:46:18
keeps changing and I think the the00:46:20
difficulty is that you know especially00:46:23
as you get older the challenge is is to00:46:26
not look in the rear of your mirror and00:46:28
think everything's great and not look00:46:29
where you're going wasn't it better then00:46:31
you go well was it I don't know like I00:46:33
grew up in Scotland in 197s I will00:46:35
unequivocally say that [ __ ] sucks00:46:38
what was it like just terrible yeah you00:46:40
know if the high point of your day is00:46:42
getting an00:46:45
orange you know it's like00:46:48
okay it's I just I it wasn't I didn't00:46:51
love it did you have your sights on00:46:53
America at that time always from uh from00:46:57
as far back as I can00:46:59
remember rock and roll I started hearing00:47:02
rock and roll and I was like who makes00:47:03
this noise you know um and then who were00:47:06
the first who was oh like like Elvis00:47:09
Elvis and my parents listened to Johnny00:47:11
Cash albums obviously not rock and roll00:47:13
but but it's but it kind of is and it's00:47:16
it's yeah and Johnny Cash we knew that00:47:18
Johnny Cash's background was Scottish so00:47:21
they would listen to Johnny Cash even00:47:22
though I was a little kid and was just00:47:24
[ __ ] singing God yeah and00:47:27
and and they said oh you know he's his00:47:30
family are from Scotland I was like what00:47:33
and and so I was like so you can go00:47:35
there uh so that it gets in early and00:47:39
then when I was uh 7 years old it's one00:47:43
of my earliest memories we were allowed00:47:44
to stay up and watch the00:47:47
moonlanding and I watched the00:47:49
moonlanding I was like what what the00:47:51
[ __ ] is this who who's doing that nobody00:47:53
from my school was landing on the00:47:55
[ __ ] moon and and uh and so it was00:47:58
this this it was American cultural00:48:00
imperialism and I'm a victim of it but00:48:02
but in a way yes a way no cuz my my00:48:05
people are part of it you know and yeah00:48:07
and then I had a conversation later on00:48:10
the reality start coming in I remember00:48:12
having a conversation with Cornell West00:48:15
years later about these American uh00:48:18
impulses when I was young and he said00:48:20
something which I'll never forget uh he00:48:22
said black people have never had the00:48:24
luxury in of believing in American00:48:27
innocence and I was like oh okay so00:48:30
there is of course you know but if you00:48:34
only see your lane you don't see00:48:35
everybody's lane and then you kind of00:48:37
have to open up to more experiences of00:48:40
of different ways uh Americans come to00:48:43
being and it's not all it's not all good00:48:46
no 100% I do feel like uh I do get00:48:51
frustrated with the All America is [ __ ]00:48:56
not I really I I I think that's what's00:48:59
great about America is the00:49:01
acknowledgment of there [ __ ] here the00:49:04
yeah the acknowledgement of of how bad00:49:06
and let's like I don't see other00:49:09
cultures aggressively trying to correct00:49:13
and trying to move forward and trying to00:49:15
because they're not they they don't have00:49:18
what we have I mean they're kind of00:49:19
again and now a little but they don't00:49:21
have a country built entirely on other00:49:24
countries mhm you know is like it it's00:49:27
like and suddenly and you know and it's00:49:31
like the the the way it was you know put00:49:33
together at the beginning it was you00:49:35
know people from my background and00:49:38
Ireland and England and you know and00:49:40
making it that way for them but you know00:49:42
it's got to change and it has to change00:49:44
but America does [ __ ] change and I00:49:46
think that's what's important about it00:49:48
yeah and also [ __ ] them you know what I00:49:50
mean it's like we're Americans [ __ ] them00:49:52
you know it's it's when they I [ __ ]00:49:55
hate those British documentaries and00:49:56
they go you see Americans are such00:49:59
loonies look at this man with a hat that00:50:01
says who farted on it I'm like that's00:50:04
one [ __ ] guy one guy and I agree he's00:50:07
an idiot but also he's awesome it's also00:50:09
he's living his life do you know what00:50:11
one of the things was uh have you seen00:50:15
uh have you watched the the righteous00:50:16
gemstones yeah I'm like that's a ddy00:50:20
McBride is I I love his work and that00:50:23
particular show I just like nailed it00:50:27
sine Chapel that's the one um because00:50:30
these are awful people but they're also00:50:32
awesome people and they're also they're00:50:34
they're they're terrible but but they're00:50:36
not really and they're human and they're00:50:39
and they're sometimes quite ugly in00:50:41
their behavior and a parents and but00:50:43
also yeah I know you know I know I00:50:46
really check myself in the airport00:50:48
especially when I'm tired and cranky00:50:49
yeah and you like what's going on with00:50:52
these people and then you stop and00:50:54
you're like you see a guy in his00:50:56
flip-flop00:50:57
and his belly's hanging out and he's00:50:59
he's it's 7:00 and he's got a Bloody00:51:02
Mary in his hand and yeah you could be00:51:05
like get it together man I'm that guy00:51:07
you get it yeah get it together but then00:51:09
you're like you know what good for you00:51:11
exactly exactly this is hard being a00:51:14
person is hard and you're doing what you00:51:16
got to do to kind of get through and do00:51:18
what you God bless I mean the the people00:51:21
that the people that kind of bother me00:51:24
either in the you kind of TI00:51:27
real world or the digital world are the00:51:29
ones that sit in rampant Judgment of00:51:33
other people with minimal information00:51:35
and I really try as I get older not to00:51:40
do that now I'm not saying I don't do it00:51:42
I know you know I I mean like in fact on00:51:44
the way here I was talking to my wife on00:51:45
the phone there was a woman in front of00:51:48
me smoking a cigarette out the window of00:51:50
her car and driving and on the phone at00:51:52
the same time and I could see her and00:51:53
she was driving very badly and I'm00:51:55
afraid I categorize her you know well00:51:58
here's the thing and this this is uh has00:52:01
been on my mind because you mentioned it00:52:02
early on uh there is that you you said00:52:07
like well that's what being a comedian00:52:09
is if you're not angry and neurotic and00:52:13
all of that is there a danger in00:52:17
becoming evolved and more accepting of00:52:20
people and trying to put yourself in00:52:24
other people's shoes of eliminating a00:52:27
part like a part of the your00:52:30
comedian head like there was a time I00:52:33
made horrible jokes about people on the00:52:35
bus horrible pictures about people's00:52:37
disgusting attitudes on airplanes00:52:40
disgusting habits of people and then you00:52:42
get into this Kinder head and you're00:52:45
like well God bless those people on the00:52:47
bus and God you know what I mean like do00:52:50
you if you eliminate the rage so [ __ ]00:52:53
what you know I mean that first of all I00:52:55
don't think I'm in any danger of that I00:52:57
think I have Saudi Arabia of unhappiness00:53:00
I think I have deep dark reserves of00:53:03
[ __ ] that nobody but also I think00:53:08
Louis CK used to that great bit about00:53:11
they don't need to make any more porn we00:53:13
we kind of got enough there's plenty of00:53:14
comedians especially now I mean there's00:53:16
like it's like everybody everybody does00:53:18
it now you know not everybody that's00:53:21
unfair but there's a lot of Comedians00:53:22
and good ones yeah good ones too it was00:53:25
like I don't know if you remember this00:53:27
but sometimes back like as recently as00:53:31
the like the 1980s you could buy a car00:53:34
and it was [ __ ]00:53:36
[ __ ] and like Ward would have to get out00:53:40
yeah you know people would buy them and00:53:42
like but now they don't really make [ __ ]00:53:44
cars now yeah they don't really make00:53:46
them mhm and it's kind of the same with00:53:50
like a lot of these comedians are00:53:52
working well there's so many comedians00:53:53
and yeah and they're good yeah they're00:53:55
good mhm so maybe it's time to find00:53:57
another job that's all I'm saying I I I00:54:00
feel like it might be time for me to do00:54:02
something00:54:03
else I don't see that happening I don't00:54:05
know man I don't know you seem to from00:54:07
the outside just from how little I do00:54:10
know you you do seem00:54:12
like the reservoir fills up and you want00:54:16
to go express it I I don't know how else00:54:20
to uh live yeah you know I I I don't00:54:25
know how else to live00:54:27
it's what I do but but um I remember I00:54:32
don't Joe if you remember this but Peter00:54:34
Lali who was our boss in late night and00:54:36
Peter was like Johnny Carson like a00:54:37
legend and when I was you know when I00:54:40
was bitching about the job because you00:54:42
do any job you know long enough you00:54:44
going to start bitching about it and I00:54:46
remember saying p as I was working out00:54:48
up to Quinton I would say to p i you00:54:51
know I'm going to I'm going to quit and00:54:54
he would say you'll miss that Standing00:54:56
Ovation every night when you walk out00:54:59
and I was like I don't think I will mhm00:55:02
and I haven't mhm not [ __ ] once yeah00:55:05
I get that not [ __ ] once it doesn't00:55:07
last no and also a standing evasion when00:55:10
you get it also used to be stand00:55:13
Ovations were really rare00:55:16
yeah kind get also you know what I've00:55:19
started doing and I really [ __ ] mean00:55:20
it now I really mean it like I'll start00:55:22
a show with an audience going look I've00:55:24
been doing this for a long time and and00:55:26
I've won awards and I've made money and00:55:27
stuff like I've been you know I don't00:55:29
want to blow my own trumpet but I'm00:55:30
pretty successful in this so if this00:55:32
show sucks it's not me it's just00:55:36
not it's you it's on you you're doing00:55:39
something wrong cuz I've done enough of00:55:41
this to prove the concept yeah you know00:55:44
and it's like when people say you00:55:47
know it comedy's like one of the odd00:55:50
places for this cuz they'll say that's00:55:53
not funny mhm they go well look at that00:55:57
Stadium full of people laughing at it00:55:58
somebody thinks it's funny right so00:56:01
you're the judge of what is and isn't00:56:03
funny you're you're the ultimate but00:56:05
actually you are yeah you know if it's00:56:07
not funny to you it's not funny but it00:56:08
doesn't mean it's he's not a comedian or00:56:09
she's not a comedian yeah it's like say00:56:12
look I'm not crazy about the work of00:56:14
Kenny G but I'm not going to try and00:56:16
shut him down right you know what I mean00:56:18
it's it's music yeah like and he's00:56:20
accomplished and he's he does a thing00:56:23
that a lot of people get a lot of00:56:24
pleasure out of and and I it's not for00:56:27
me yeah uh00:56:30
the it's uh that thing about the00:56:33
Applause there is you think when you're00:56:36
coming up that if I could have a theater00:56:38
full of people standing up and00:56:40
applauding like that's going to be the00:56:42
that's going to be I I will have gotten00:56:44
it and you learn very quickly that as00:56:46
delightful as it is the feeling that you00:56:49
get from that by the time you're in the00:56:52
dressing room is kind of evaporated well00:56:54
what I I think you're right I think what00:56:56
it is is that uh what you find out very00:56:59
quickly that the condition you're00:57:01
suffering from is far more serious than00:57:03
you thought it00:57:04
was is like you're not just someone that00:57:07
needs a little validation it's bad it's00:57:10
[ __ ] bad cuz you'll get the00:57:12
validation and it it's just [ __ ] you00:57:14
know so where do you do you get it from00:57:17
just doing the work is the thing that00:57:18
satisfies you or is something outside of00:57:20
the career all I care about is the00:57:22
health and happiness of my children and00:57:24
my wife right it's all I care about00:57:26
everything else I my my own health would00:57:28
be nice I wouldn't mind making some00:57:29
money and I certainly don't wish any00:57:31
harm on anyone but but bottom line is if00:57:34
you're a parent I feel uh you're as00:57:37
happy as your least happy kid yeah00:57:39
that's it yeah that's really the truth00:57:41
and and so you know when and my you know00:57:47
my youngest is 13 there is an evolving00:57:50
thing in parenting that I'm going to I'm00:57:52
having to deal with yeah uh in the you00:57:54
know very new I'm the chorer on a Sunday00:57:58
you know it's like I better F Dad I know00:58:02
he like oh I bet my daughter's00:58:04
graduating this weekend from College00:58:06
Muscle tough also you know it's a thing00:58:09
it's a thing and she's been really busy00:58:11
this week and I keep FaceTiming her and00:58:13
she's like I'm just going into a brunch00:58:15
I'm just I'm look where I am now and I'm00:58:18
like oh man I am my chasing I know and00:58:22
that's why I've been talking to Megan00:58:25
about it is cu we cuz like we were00:58:27
thinking maybe we could just have more00:58:30
children uh she could still have00:58:32
children I mean I guess if you you know00:58:35
I don't know if you add some juice to00:58:37
whatever I've got left in the Dust Bowl00:58:40
I could probably figure something out00:58:42
some supplements yeah like but but um I00:58:47
don't think that's the I think I think00:58:49
we have to change we have to figure out00:58:51
how to change so I'm suggesting let's go00:58:54
to Florida a lot more but that's not00:58:57
Megan's from New England so that's not00:58:59
working at all um so what advice would00:59:02
you give young Joe Bolter who's got a uh00:59:07
this little boy kind of running around00:59:09
yeah a little Sputnik yeah yeah there's00:59:12
really no I mean you can't it's all00:59:15
cliche it's going to go fast it's try00:59:18
and enjoy it try and enjoy it I try and00:59:22
enjoy it and and don't give yourself a00:59:24
hard time about sleep deprivation it's00:59:26
part of it yeah you Prett pretty much00:59:27
don't ever sleep again not really cuz it00:59:30
goes from worrying about children so00:59:31
then you're just a mess well you're a00:59:33
mess and then you get to the point your00:59:35
children are old enough and now you00:59:36
think well also I'm older now and I'm00:59:40
dying so there is that he staring at the00:59:42
ceiling every time I go for a poop I00:59:45
think oh is it it's uh do you sleep00:59:50
well it's interesting I I get to a point00:59:54
now that I am you are for the first time00:59:58
in maybe ever really yeah I'm starting01:00:01
to sleep a little better I don't really01:00:03
know drugs or [ __ ] man no I mean I I I01:00:08
wish what do you I don't know I I try to01:00:12
go to bed hungry uhhuh uh cuz I feel01:00:17
like I sleep better if I'm hungry and01:00:18
it's hard because you I don't feel like01:00:20
sleeping cuz I feel awake but if I go to01:00:22
sleep hungry I sleep better oh01:00:25
interesting and the weird thing is then01:00:26
you wake up you're not hungry weird01:00:29
maybe I'm on kind of oing and I don't01:00:31
know it someone's sneaking shot I'll01:00:35
take it um I don't think so I don't01:00:38
sleep good all the time and01:00:40
also there's one of the odd gifts that01:00:44
comes with age which I so grateful for01:00:49
is that nobody knows [ __ ] anathan01:00:52
nobody knows [ __ ] anathan see all01:00:54
these people that going well there is01:00:57
and I'm the secretary of state and I'm01:00:59
the governor of this and I'm that01:01:00
they're all [ __ ] lying they're01:01:02
[ __ ] their pants just like everybody01:01:05
else ex so you know have a good time01:01:09
don't be a dick and and and try not to01:01:13
[ __ ] up yeah right exactly and I I I01:01:16
really think that's kind of it like I I01:01:18
used to get very intimidated01:01:22
by you know people that I they're very01:01:26
success I mean late night did me a huge01:01:27
favor actually with that that01:01:30
demystified everything there are some01:01:33
people you run into who are very smart01:01:36
though very smart and very impressive01:01:38
yeah yeah of course and and that's fine01:01:41
but it doesn't absolve you of insecurity01:01:44
it doesn't absolve you of fear or all01:01:47
the human emotions of course you have01:01:48
all of those things my wife was a my01:01:51
wife is a uh a teacher and her kids a01:01:56
lot of times are say why do we have to01:01:59
learn history what's what about history01:02:01
they and you know his kids always have01:02:03
that like what do we need to know that01:02:04
and I said to her last night what I01:02:07
really could have would have appreciated01:02:10
learning and would have made history a01:02:12
lot more interesting to me I I enjoyed01:02:14
it01:02:16
but the reality that people have not01:02:21
changed that much no01:02:24
really we've become more educ ated01:02:26
whatever but the human being with its01:02:29
fears and anxieties and feeling of its01:02:32
physical self and yeah all of that that01:02:36
human being has not really changed so01:02:40
2,000 years01:02:42
ago it was you that was trying to solve01:02:46
these problems and trying to you your01:02:48
your food was different Your Atmosphere01:02:50
was different all those things are01:02:52
different but to tell a kid like it01:02:55
knows it's imagine you being in that01:02:58
position 2,000 years ago facing these01:03:00
challenges and this is how these people01:03:02
did it and whether it was successful or01:03:04
not like that to me wasn't until I was01:03:08
really a a grownup for quite some time01:03:11
to realize yeah to to be empathetic to01:03:14
people that have lived before you01:03:15
there's also there's also that slow drip01:03:20
it happens faster for some people01:03:21
through life circumstances for me it was01:03:23
a little slower but you get that slow01:03:26
drip of mortality mhm you know and some01:03:28
people through tragedy or mishap get to01:03:30
know about tragedy like my my wife01:03:33
father died when she was very young and01:03:35
so obviously there was like a big shock01:03:38
trauma lesson early on but the uh but it01:03:43
there is that mortality thing and and01:03:45
you start to go01:03:47
well um how important is this really and01:03:51
the and the you know and I I a lot of01:03:55
the things things that I thought were01:03:57
really01:03:58
important uh like when you were up all01:04:01
night when a kid got01:04:02
C that'll01:04:05
[ __ ] change it yep you know like yeah01:04:10
you know it's like please just make this01:04:12
okay make this okay everything falls01:04:15
everything falls away kind of you know01:04:17
kind of and I and that's that's kind of01:04:20
how I feel about it so all of the01:04:22
ambition maybe it's maybe that's how01:04:23
ambition is meant to run that you you01:04:26
feed it and and then you get you get a01:04:28
lot of what you wanted and you go well01:04:30
that that was all right I guess m you01:04:32
know well you definitely it's almost01:04:34
like you can't learn these lessons too01:04:36
early or you won't make your way well01:04:38
also also but there's also the greed01:04:40
component to it like if you look at the01:04:43
the the billionaire situation like01:04:45
people who have these giant super mega01:04:49
yachs and like he's worth or she is01:04:51
worth a pat trillion million gillion01:04:54
dollars you go what's the point of that01:04:57
M yeah I I really don't I swear to God I01:05:00
don't understand it I don't get big01:05:02
houses yeah well NE do I cuz I've lived01:05:04
in a couple I'm like well [ __ ] that [ __ ]01:05:06
like a massive what are you going to do01:05:07
with it well pay a lot of heat bills01:05:09
that's what you're going to do with it I01:05:11
mean I but that's that's what I didn't01:05:13
know that until I you know until I went01:05:15
to the other side of it and I but I I01:05:18
don't I don't understand it and I think01:05:21
money money is a is an odd thing because01:05:25
like where I I I come from a modest01:05:27
background of an extremely modest01:05:28
background and you know I don't want to01:05:31
be competitively poor with other people01:05:34
but it there was not a lot of [ __ ]01:05:35
money yeah and the what we believed was01:05:40
a couple of things about money we01:05:41
believed that rich people were kind of01:05:43
stupid01:05:44
uhhuh and that if I had their money I'd01:05:48
be happy mhm and these two things are01:05:51
wrong about rich01:05:54
people like you might not be happy and01:05:57
like look money's better than no money01:05:59
hands down I'm not going to say that but01:06:01
but beyond a certain point what the [ __ ]01:06:03
is going on right you know what you01:06:05
doing I know I mean anytime you know01:06:07
it's it's almost you hear stories of01:06:10
like when kids grew up and they were01:06:11
like you know so poor and they had five01:06:14
kids in a bed and every kid's every01:06:16
kid's childhood was pretty great other01:06:19
than like an abusive whatever but like01:06:22
you you weren't adding up bank accounts01:06:24
you were just with your other kids in01:06:25
your house doing your thing and it's was01:06:28
pretty great01:06:30
well well01:06:33
um I can't really go there with you I01:06:35
think there's a lot of people survive01:06:37
their childhoods and and and I think01:06:40
that there's there's a lot a lot of that01:06:44
you know even in my own childhood01:06:46
there's some stuff happened I'm like01:06:48
that's truly [ __ ] awful that like01:06:50
well but yeah having said that I didn't01:06:55
do it I was a kid it happened to me I'm01:06:57
going to live the rest of my life01:06:59
[ __ ] you know yeah saying oh that01:07:02
shouldn't haveen it shouldn't have [ __ ] happened but it happened and no01:07:04
it's and no it's not happening yeah and01:07:06
no but I'm I'm saying not I'm saying01:07:08
short of like the traumatic right01:07:11
things the apples in the hallway yeah01:07:14
that was great I'm not not complaining01:07:15
about about free fruit that you know I01:07:17
mean like through the through the lens01:07:19
of a kid like you kind of have your your01:07:21
needs are01:07:22
met I think and I think if they're not01:07:25
your job is as an adult is to fix that01:07:27
mhm you know to know if you can yeah you01:07:30
know I think that there is01:07:32
a look there are traumas that I don't01:07:35
know how people get past them no and01:07:38
there are I you know I I just I just01:07:43
don't know how people but they do yeah01:07:45
you know people do and and so I'm in01:07:48
admiration of people that that come up01:07:52
tough but tough doesn't necessarily mean01:07:55
poor just means tough and and um I think01:08:01
the myth that I bought into when I was01:08:04
young is that poor is the only tough and01:08:06
it's not MH you know mhm human is the01:08:09
only tough it's it's it it can be tough01:08:12
sometimes it's crazy it's crazy that uh01:08:15
something that can happen to you very01:08:18
very early is yours to carry01:08:22
forever I01:08:24
uh I was heavy as a kid I was Heavy you01:08:27
know I was like pre-teen I was very01:08:29
chubby and I still think I I was too01:08:33
yeah I it's why you're a standup yeah I01:08:36
always I what do I say Joe nine times01:08:38
out of 10 do I look fat yeah yeah am I01:08:42
fat does it the angle on my thing yeah01:08:44
yeah yeah I do the same isn't it weird01:08:46
yeah you're not fat you're not fat01:08:47
either no but I know you don't believe01:08:50
me yeah I don't cuz I don't believe01:08:52
you and that it's the funny thing it's01:08:54
like and also it like you have a bet01:08:57
about it it's great you know what for01:09:00
you know you you you what is it your01:09:01
thing Bob and a you're Bob and a account01:09:03
Rob County you're not an Olympic Athlete01:09:06
you're done from counting by the way are01:09:08
are the Olympics this year is it this01:09:09
year the Olympics yes Paris a couple01:09:12
months yeah I'm not going why not I01:09:14
don't care for the Olympics why um it it01:09:17
promotes01:09:20
swimming like people [ __ ] every four01:09:22
[ __ ] years I go did you watch the01:09:24
swimming no I'm not going to watch01:09:25
[ __ ] swimming what the [ __ ] is wrong01:09:26
with you I've got kids I watch my kids01:09:28
swimming is that what it is there's like01:09:30
grown adults swimming up and down laps01:09:32
and I yeah and people like did you see01:09:35
the swimming I went no I didn't see the01:09:37
swimming and they they start to make out01:09:39
sports that have no business being on01:09:41
prime time TV break dancing this year01:09:43
break well I might watch that yeah got I01:09:46
might watch the break dancing no01:09:48
wrestling but break dancing well no but01:09:50
some of the sports I'm like ah is that01:09:51
really a thing like throwing the bowling01:09:53
ball or the the the the stick oh look01:09:57
far he threw a stick oh that's great01:10:00
[ __ ] please I get excited about the01:10:02
Olympics because I it's just something01:10:05
that's on that I know the family will01:10:08
all kind of drift in it's like right now01:10:12
I'm watching a lot of Godzilla movies no01:10:14
one else in the house is01:10:16
interested nobody nobody's going how how01:10:19
come run yeah goodzilla M it's great01:10:23
yeah I I don't know what it is did you01:10:25
see the new thing with Kurt Russell the01:10:28
Monsters uh thing I started watching it01:10:30
oh no stay with it yeah stay with it01:10:32
stay with it stay with it also it's car01:10:34
Russell yeah it's car Russ so if you01:10:35
don't watch it you're an American it's01:10:38
true you a communist yeah it's like Fu01:10:42
no I love a good monster movie I also01:10:43
like baseball no one in my house is01:10:45
interested they all go to their separate01:10:47
ways I like the idea of baseball but01:10:48
every time I watch it for more than like01:10:50
half an hour on TV I'm01:10:52
like it's kind of the secret is well01:10:55
then if that's okay that's okay then and01:10:58
then then I really am an American 100%01:11:02
yeah I fall asleep with potato chips01:11:04
falling down my body I kept telling Joe01:11:06
for the radio show that we should try01:11:08
and go broadcast from uh from Paris for01:11:11
the Olympics it's sounded like we were01:11:13
going to make it happen you don't want01:11:14
to do that we did the Late Night show01:11:17
from Paris you remember yeah you know01:11:19
they get really mad at me cuz I was like01:11:21
cuz Joe was doing the inside of the01:11:23
horse right dancing horse and and I said01:11:26
well Joe's got to come to Paris they01:11:27
went can we get just a [ __ ] french01:11:29
actor fly this guy over to Paris I'm01:11:32
like no you got to get and we had to get01:11:35
the back end of the horse as well he had01:11:36
to come as well did you put a lot into01:11:39
the performance of it oh yeah like if01:11:41
someone else had stepped into it you01:11:43
know that they wouldn't have done it as01:11:44
well I think so right well yeah and if01:11:47
you had a french actor in the front of01:11:49
the horse would just01:11:50
go yeah which was only one of its many01:11:53
movements doing its mind yeah yeah01:11:55
that's right the little01:11:56
H smoking a01:11:59
cigarette actually the horse smoking a01:12:01
cigarette would be pretty funny i' we01:12:03
did that on the show actually at some01:12:04
point I think we did they're doing a01:12:06
thing now where they're01:12:08
training uh kids who work in restaurants01:12:12
in Paris uh they're training them to be01:12:14
more polite during the01:12:17
Olympics they're going to have to bust01:12:19
people in CU I I don't I don't know how01:12:21
that's going to [ __ ] work I don't01:12:23
even want that no who wants a French we01:12:26
like where am I [ __ ] Orange County01:12:28
this is ridiculous exactly don't be nice01:12:30
to me this is why I'm here yeah I love01:12:32
it when I was talking to a French waiter01:12:34
once about how much he hates his job and01:12:37
and everybody and it was fantastic he01:12:39
said the worst is when Americans come in01:12:42
and they say do you have01:12:44
water it's like no we don't I don't know01:12:47
how we managed to cook we don't have any01:12:49
water we don't have any water in the01:12:52
whole restaurant do you have water yes01:12:54
we have water01:12:57
oh where we going you took you went with01:12:59
Craig why couldn't we go make that01:13:01
happen we went well it wasn't for the01:13:03
Olympics we that we were there no it was01:13:06
for for anything what did you who did01:13:08
you do the radio show for we do for01:13:10
Netflix Fu money right Netflix and01:13:14
seriousness like Coke and Pepsi Jesus01:13:17
Christ you they can afford it this is01:13:18
what I keep saying yeah yeah I want us01:13:21
to be there opening ceremony I know do01:13:23
you though I know remember when we went01:13:26
to the Super Bowls and stuff and like01:13:28
you're low man in the totem pole is not01:13:30
about you you know and you imagine how01:13:33
mean the French people are going to be01:13:34
to American radio01:13:37
shows walking around will you talk to us01:13:40
yeah oh no that's not going to be good01:13:42
at all yeah and also who you going to01:13:44
talk to swimmers I don't know I don't01:13:46
know many swimmers but here's my guess01:13:49
talking isn't their01:13:51
thing can you imagine the number of01:13:54
condoms they're going to have to hand01:13:55
out in the Olympic Village in Paris why01:13:59
well you know they always have to they01:14:00
always import a bunch of condoms because01:14:03
they're young beautiful athletes from01:14:05
all around the world there's a lot of01:14:07
sex going on I didn't think young people01:14:09
had sex01:14:10
anymore I thought it was all he hey I01:14:13
thought that was what sex was yeah yeah01:14:16
we're talking about the world class01:14:17
athletes oh yeah and now they're in01:14:23
Paris well well well01:14:26
hello what's your standup schedule like01:14:30
uh I'm going to uh I've got a few more01:14:33
shows to do I just shot a special and01:14:35
nice what's it called it's called I'm so01:14:39
happy it's perfect01:14:41
yeah it's good it's good isn't it I had01:14:44
to check to see if you had done it01:14:45
actually cuz I thought Tom would do that01:14:47
yeah it makes you laugh immediately yeah01:14:50
it does cuz you're like what the [ __ ]01:14:52
yeah um so01:14:55
uh I'm doing I've done the special so01:14:58
you know what it's like once you do a01:14:59
special you know well this soon as this01:15:00
goes out there materials toast so yeah01:15:03
I'm just kind of winding it up then I'm01:15:04
going to take a few months off and then01:15:07
okay I'll maybe go back out on the road01:15:10
well on the road I'm going to start01:15:11
doing stand-up shows in the fall right01:15:13
but I'm going to take the summer off I I01:15:15
haven't been doing any TV at all TV01:15:17
seems like it's on fire right now is it01:15:19
like it's so crazy like I talked to01:15:21
every producer I talked to is like I I01:15:23
can't get anything M I'm like is it me I01:15:25
talk to other people like no nobody's01:15:26
getting it's so weird I know there's a01:15:28
lot of people out of work yeah I guess01:15:31
if you if you do stand up you're kind of01:15:33
not how it work I know it's kind of like01:15:35
this little blue collar part of show01:15:37
business that keeps on chugging yeah I01:15:39
think that's good it's really I think01:15:41
that I think that's why I still do it01:15:43
yeah also I think when you said blue01:15:44
collar I like you know what it is a kind01:15:46
of a blue collar thing it is a kind of01:15:48
you show up and do your job and if you01:15:49
don't do your job somebody's going to01:15:51
have something to say and yeah I kind of01:15:53
like it for that I do too yeah I know01:15:55
it's just you when did you first do it01:15:57
1993 June 12th 1993 wow you know the day01:16:01
mhm but how come was it aspirational for01:16:04
you you wanted to be a comedian yeah01:16:06
yeah W that's that's good and I looked01:16:08
it up in the Village Voice and I used to01:16:10
look at things in the Village Voice and01:16:12
I was like oh if I if you bring a couple01:16:15
people to sit in the audience you can01:16:16
get on stage and I remember where was uh01:16:19
it was the New York comedy club which is01:16:21
in a different location now but it was01:16:23
it was on um the second second floor01:16:25
from a Cowboy Bar on downstairs and they01:16:30
had a little showroom upstairs and I01:16:32
remember taking the Village Voice into01:16:34
my room in my apartment and making the01:16:37
phone call and them saying okay yeah uh01:16:40
yeah you can come in on June 12th at 701:16:44
o' and you'll get on and I hung up and I01:16:46
was like I'm going to do it June 12th01:16:48
1993 I'm and you and how'd it go uh it01:16:52
was I got to bring a couple friends mhm01:16:55
sit in the audience so I had like four01:16:57
and they were the other than maybe one01:16:59
other person that was the audience there01:17:01
was nobody else there okay I've done01:17:03
shows like that and they weren't even my01:17:05
friends and uh Greg Geraldo was the01:17:07
other comedian oh yeah waiting to go on01:17:09
he a good comedian so good yeah and I01:17:12
went up and it was great I mean the01:17:15
great thing about it as you'll01:17:18
understand is it was you know always01:17:20
being funny in your life but actually01:17:22
telling a joke in a joke structure and01:17:26
having it work was just yeah it's pretty01:17:29
good that was great pretty good yeah01:17:31
every night there's a joke that I do01:17:33
it's in the special so I can tell you it01:17:34
now there's a thing I'm talking about uh01:17:38
when I had a01:17:39
UTI and uh the only relief I could get01:17:43
was standing with a my penis and a glass01:17:45
of cold water and then Joe that that I01:17:48
thought was the joke and then I would M01:17:51
me standing with a penis in a glass of01:17:53
cold water and it get does get a laugh01:17:55
but then Joe wrote a punch line at that01:17:57
joke and I I think about him every time01:17:59
I say the punch line cuz it [ __ ] hits01:18:01
the Raptors every night I say you know01:18:04
it was so bad all I had to I had to01:18:06
stand with my penis and a glass of cold01:18:07
water then I mime it and then I say I01:18:10
can never go back to that Denny01:18:14
and that every night01:18:19
boom and it it's one you know when01:18:21
you've got a joke and you go here comes01:18:22
that joke and no matter what this crowd01:18:24
is like like I know there's one coming01:18:26
and this one's going to hit and it does01:18:28
every time that's01:18:29
[Applause]01:18:30
great wow still well yeah I got to bring01:18:33
more cash cuz I don't think there one01:18:35
line when did you write that joke like01:18:37
two years ago it was I might was I know01:18:41
it was January but when was that it been01:18:44
January 2022 I has it been that long01:18:47
yeah probably I mean we were still Co01:18:50
yeah I think around the time we were01:18:51
working on it you well that's when I got01:18:53
yeah I got Co and and I got the UTI was01:18:55
my bonus feature from Co wow what a01:18:59
treat oh Jesus what a treat are you01:19:02
worried about the bird01:19:03
flu no yeah no I01:19:07
mean I I I can get01:19:12
there right now want me up I mean I it's01:19:17
kind of like I worry about a lot of01:19:19
stuff but yeah I really try not to it's01:19:22
trying to build a clutch mechanism01:19:24
between between you and Terror you know01:19:26
what I mean just how do you how do you01:19:28
put it in I'm not always successful yeah01:19:31
no I know it's uh yeah or even worse01:19:35
when you're not afraid and you feel like01:19:39
everything's kind of okay for the moment01:19:41
worrying that well something must be01:19:44
coming well here's the thing so people01:19:47
used to say you know you worry about so01:19:50
many things and they never happen right01:19:53
you worry about all these things and01:19:54
they never never happen so I extrapolate01:19:57
from that by worrying about things I01:20:00
will ensure that they will not happen01:20:03
right so in order for something not to01:20:05
happen I will worry about it now I think01:20:07
that gets in there for a lot of people01:20:09
yeah and I think also that it always01:20:11
happens when you least expect it there01:20:13
another one you go01:20:14
well yeah because I you know oh I didn't01:20:18
cuz if you walking around expecting [ __ ]01:20:20
to happen all the time You' never go out01:20:22
right so yeah it's going to happen when01:20:24
you01:20:25
when you at least moderately don't01:20:27
expect it because that's the nature of01:20:29
surprise like surprise oh I was01:20:31
expecting this oh then not surprised01:20:34
right yeah I think yeah there's a01:20:36
comedian default of well yeah it's kind01:20:39
of happened yeah yeah yeah my wife were01:20:42
and I were on a flight and uh we had01:20:44
this crazy more than turbulence like it01:20:47
was uh I think the engine actually went01:20:50
out someone screamed from the thing and01:20:53
it was bumpy and it was just like holy01:20:55
cie something's going to happen and my01:20:57
wife turns to me and I'm and I01:21:00
said yeah it's kind of how I thought it01:21:03
was going to go01:21:04
down she's like you're just kind of EX I01:21:09
understand you know what I mean I01:21:10
understand I learned to fly airplanes01:21:12
cuz I was so terrified of flying oh01:21:13
really yeah guess what still terrified01:21:16
of flying and and can fly airplanes and01:21:19
have flown them on my own in dangerous01:21:21
conditions right yeah not terrified when01:21:23
I'm doing it yeah terrified after when I01:21:25
think about what it was but also I can01:21:28
be like in a risky situation in a single01:21:32
engine small Cessna I'm flying on my own01:21:35
and not worry about it mild turbulence01:21:38
in a 747 with a highly qualified team of01:21:42
aviators up front I'm01:21:45
like yeah yeah and just so I don't think01:21:48
it's really about the flying is it no01:21:51
no it's how hairy of a situation have01:21:55
you been in when you were flying no one01:21:57
or two I've made mistakes I my first01:22:00
Cross Country01:22:01
flight not cross country is not actually01:22:04
across the country in01:22:07
aviation uh tuition your first flight01:22:10
away from the airport to another airport01:22:12
in back it's called your cross country01:22:14
the first one I did was uh from vanise01:22:18
airport to Bakersfield to Porterfield I01:22:22
think it was called and then back to Van01:22:23
night so it's around trip about you know01:22:25
a little while wow and uh an hour an01:22:28
hour and a half and I'm in the air01:22:30
airplane on my own and I hit some pretty01:22:34
decent turbulence01:22:36
above uh the uh what do they call these01:22:38
mountains the S and is it s it's not San01:22:40
Andreas it's the Santa something the01:22:42
mountains on the way into La uh what01:22:45
they that's the valley so what's the San01:22:49
Andreas s is it s it's not s Santa01:22:51
something I don't know the mountains01:22:53
anyway so they m and I was flying over01:22:55
him and it got a little bumpy and I uh01:22:58
got a little scared uhhuh and uh and I01:23:02
you know kind of made some mistakes and01:23:03
then I what do you mean well I flew into01:23:06
Los Angeles airspace too high uhhuh and01:23:10
you got scared and went up yeah I went01:23:12
scared cuz I was trying to get out this01:23:13
but you you don't change altitude01:23:14
particularly around Los01:23:16
Angeles uh or in the in that airspace01:23:19
without getting permission from an air01:23:20
traffic controller uh so they yelled at01:23:23
me a little bit01:23:27
it's terrifying yeah it's pretty bad but01:23:31
uh you know everybody we got I would01:23:32
moved a little bit I mean the good thing01:23:34
to know about this is they are so01:23:35
[ __ ] on it yeah like I was I moved a01:23:38
little bit and they're like hey where01:23:39
you going I was like oh it's pretty bad01:23:40
oh you can't go there go back I was like01:23:42
okay and01:23:46
then yeah it was uh it's scary yeah yeah01:23:50
but but there is that comedian thing of01:23:53
just yeah something's going to happen I01:23:55
think you just you just have a01:23:59
uh you don't I we I was going to say you01:24:03
don't really lie to yourself that01:24:04
everything's going to be okay I mean you01:24:05
do in the short term but you have01:24:07
survive I think yeah but look here's the01:24:10
truth of it s01:24:12
Point yeah you got to die something01:24:15
right something's going to go down01:24:16
something's going to happen I'm hoping01:24:18
for this I had a conversation with a01:24:20
friend of mine he's about the same age01:24:21
as me and we were talking about uh01:24:23
Plumbing issues versus cognitive issues01:24:26
uhhuh you know in the in the you know as01:24:28
the Horsemen of the Apocalypse approach01:24:31
which one do you choose do you want01:24:33
Plumbing or cognitive uhhuh and I said01:24:36
well you know it's a tough choice but I01:24:38
think honestly for me I choose cognitive01:24:41
if I get to choose which of course you01:24:42
don't yeah because Plumbing my problem01:24:46
cognitive somebody else's problem right01:24:49
yeah but I don't think that's true I01:24:51
think that's a naive view of it I think01:24:53
cognitive stuff cuz I had my grandmother01:24:55
uh got Alzheimer's and she was kind of01:24:58
in a lot of distress sometimes about it01:25:00
um so I don't think it I don't think01:25:02
there's a free ride no there's not you01:25:05
just have to01:25:07
uh have a good time while you can live01:25:09
in the day yeah then get in a plane and01:25:12
go into the mountain uh please don't do01:25:15
that I've got to fly back to the UK in01:25:18
like three days you do that's going to01:25:20
be my head the whole time so wa you're01:25:21
still going back I go back and forward01:25:23
and I'm do you know I go over there and01:25:26
and I still have a place there and oh01:25:28
you do so yeah split your time well01:25:31
where the kids uh my son is at school my01:25:35
youngest son's at school in Scotland and01:25:37
my oldest son is uh left uh college and01:25:41
is working in New York City that's what01:25:44
my we my daughter maybe they could be01:25:46
friends they're she's going to do the01:25:48
same thing starting next week animation01:25:50
she doing animation uh she's a writer01:25:53
yeah could do the same thing is she01:25:55
finishing College Sunday graduation oh01:25:59
well you said graduation but I kind of01:26:01
because you're so young I thought it was01:26:02
like high school yeah no she's01:26:03
graduating she's going to go out and be01:26:05
a person is that it is that all you've01:26:07
got one no then I have another one who's01:26:09
a freshman right well I don't understand01:26:12
the fresh first year of college first01:26:14
year of University right and I feel like01:26:17
that's where my future is going to be is01:26:20
just chasing them wherever they go for01:26:22
sure01:26:24
think you do you have any tattoos yeah I01:26:27
think it's time to get more I'm thinking01:26:29
the same thing I I don't if you noticed01:26:30
I have a my earring is back in oh I I01:26:33
didn't have an earring in for years and01:26:35
years and years years like since I was01:26:37
40 I went take it out you're 40 get the01:26:39
earring out and then I put it I was in01:26:43
the uh apartment in New York with my01:26:45
family the other day and my my youngest01:26:47
son said do you think you could because01:26:49
we talked about I used to have an01:26:50
earring and he said do you think you01:26:51
could get it still in my your ear I went01:26:55
I no and my wife said here try this and01:26:57
so I've got this here and and it went01:26:59
boom straight in oh wow and but I01:27:01
realized I don't think the hole was open01:27:02
I think I'm now so old that my ears are01:27:04
just01:27:06
sponged it just went just squished right01:27:09
through it just went you could do it to01:27:11
the other but I I thought to myself you01:27:13
know what maybe that's I remember having01:27:15
a conversation with Margaret Cho about01:27:17
that Margaret started to get a lot of01:27:19
tattoos and piercings and stuff and she01:27:22
said it's better it's combat the aging01:27:25
process instead of plastic surgery like01:27:27
cover yourself in tattoos all right I01:27:30
like Margaret she's crazy crazy thinker01:27:33
and I'd literally have been thinking01:27:34
that there's this tattoo artist around01:27:37
here who yeah I saw the way it funny it01:27:39
got my attention I was like yeah I was01:27:41
like hey I'm maybe just go stop in what01:27:44
have you got right01:27:45
now I have uh I have this uh this sun01:27:51
with a Walt Whitman quote around it nice01:27:54
from when I was very much first tattoo01:27:56
though yeah yeah very early and uh my01:27:58
wife's name on also this got have that01:28:02
which I got before we were01:28:04
married risk yeah she came in and it was01:28:08
across my arm I was like well there's no01:28:10
getting out of this and uh on my leg01:28:14
which was really the first tattoo yeah01:28:16
was this uh gnome this horrible gnome uh01:28:21
he was watering a pot plant and I just01:28:23
picked it off a wall in New Jersey I01:28:26
think that's a great first tattoo just01:28:28
got it on AES and when I went back to01:28:30
that tattoo guy near here I was like I01:28:33
either have to do something with01:28:35
this something has to H he either has to01:28:37
go away or I have to improve on it and01:28:40
uh I had my buddy add two Little01:28:43
Gnome girls girl gnomes riding on his01:28:46
back uh as my daughter's oh that's kind01:28:50
of great so I added01:28:52
to yeah I'm the with it I'm The Gnome01:28:55
yeah that is pretty good how long is01:28:57
this podcast how long have we been01:28:59
talking an hour and a half yeah an hour01:29:01
and a half we're an hour oh we got to01:29:02
wrap it up the [ __ ] I if I have known01:29:05
this i' have charged your money I gave01:29:07
you two breads yeah two breads if you01:29:09
did one bread you would have been out of01:29:10
here in an hour yeah that's true I I I'm01:29:12
a bread every 45 minutes I don't you can01:29:15
tell how many tattoos do you have I01:29:17
don't know anymore have a lot but only01:29:19
on my arms only on your arms I got this01:29:22
which is great yeah I that this one's01:29:24
down on my leg I I I don't want to get01:29:27
tattoos in my legs but this is the one01:29:29
that see this here uhhuh that's Saturn01:29:33
yes the bringer of old age oh cuz I01:29:36
figure like this whenever I forget to01:29:38
wear my watch and I look at my hand01:29:40
still [ __ ] coming that's great still01:29:42
[ __ ]01:29:44
coming that's really great um yeah but I01:29:48
like the attitude though I like the01:29:49
attitude of more tattoos put the earring01:29:51
in yeah enjoy yourself dis gracefully gr01:29:55
old disgracefully and and don't hate on01:29:57
the Young no this is a real [ __ ]01:30:00
problem I've seen with our with our01:30:03
generation they're like hating on the01:30:05
young cuz they're changing it you know01:30:07
that's their [ __ ] prerogative yeah01:30:09
you know yeah like I remember old01:30:12
comedians talking about young comedians01:30:14
when I was a young comedian I [ __ ]01:30:15
hated them for it I was like [ __ ] you01:30:17
[ __ ] [ __ ] like oh these01:30:19
alternative so-called the alternative01:30:21
comedians yeah the alternative to01:30:25
comy anyway and you're like [ __ ] you01:30:28
it's really true old fossil yeah it's01:30:31
like I don't want to hate on the youth01:30:33
it's hard sometimes cuz they're pretty01:30:35
literal I have to say well yeah some of01:30:37
them suck uh I do feel like uh getting01:30:41
more tattoos and having more fun and01:30:43
being like you know I don't have to01:30:45
worry about things like the way the01:30:46
young kids have to is they're finding01:30:48
their way but I there is also so there's01:30:50
this like fun rebellious part that I01:30:52
should go enjoy but 's also another part01:30:54
of me that feels like act your age like01:30:58
I should be I you know what it's kind of01:31:01
cool being a grownup and I and I should01:31:04
I don't mind just depends what you feel01:31:06
that is don't being a dick about it just01:31:08
you know being uh just being a it01:31:11
depends on where you are as well cuz01:31:12
like I'm 62 uh right so if I act my age01:31:16
in Scotland right yeah it's very or if I01:31:20
act my age in Malibu I'm getting married01:31:22
again I'm I'm I'm moving on to my third01:31:25
set of kids you know you know in01:31:28
Scotland I'm like01:31:31
well and in Malibu I'm01:31:34
like01:31:36
hey thank you so much for doing this oh01:31:39
God it's such a pleasure I am so glad we01:31:41
should spend time like this and not01:31:42
record it yeah exactly yeah that that01:31:45
not that this was do we bring01:31:47
Joe yeah I think that we could do that I01:31:50
don't know I mean that's your call he's01:31:51
working for you I just know him just a01:31:54
guy now a guy now yeah he used to work01:31:56
for me even now I just knew him so it's01:31:58
fine all right that'll be great and uh01:31:59
we'll hook up in New York yeah all the01:32:02
time well I'm there a lot I'm not there01:32:04
much over the summer okay but uh in the01:32:07
fall in the fall for sure all right and01:32:10
it's a beautiful time in New York I01:32:11
don't know if you ever saw that movie01:32:12
utum in New York with Richard Gear and01:32:15
another01:32:16
person I can't remember01:32:18
was all right we got it Joey01:32:21
[Music]Description:
Craig Ferguson joins the table to regale his 'Late Late Show' hosting days, growing up in Scotland and the future of comedy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- About Craig: Craig Ferguson is a Scottish-American comedian, actor, writer, and television host. He is best known for hosting the CBS late-night talk show The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014), for which he won a Peabody Award for his interview with South African archbishop Desmond Tutu in 2009. After leaving The Late Late Show in December 2014, he hosted the syndicated game show Celebrity Name Game (2014–2017), for which he won two Daytime Emmy Awards, and Join or Die with Craig Ferguson (2016) on History.[2] In 2017, he released a six-episode web show with his wife, Megan Wallace Cunningham, titled Couple Thinkers.[3][4] In 2021, he hosted The Hustler, television game show that aired on ABC from 4 January to 23 September 2021. After starting his career in the UK with music, comedy, and theatre, Ferguson moved to the US, where he appeared in the role of Nigel Wick on the ABC sitcom The Drew Carey Show (1996–2004). Ferguson has written three books: Between the Bridge and the River, a novel; American on Purpose (2009), a memoir; and Riding the Elephant: A Memoir of Altercations, Humiliations, Hallucinations & Observations (2019). He holds both British and American citizenship. About Tom: Tom Papa, a celebrated stand-up comedian with over 20 years in the industry, has made significant strides in film, television, radio, podcasts, and live performances. Notably, he's a regular on "The Joe Rogan Experience" and various late-night TV shows. Papa's literary skills are evident in his books “We’re All In This Together” and "You’re Doing Great!: And Other Reasons To Stay Alive," a collection of essays, and "Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas," a comedic look at family life. His latest stand-up specials are “Tom Papa: What A Day!” and "Tom Papa: You’re Doing Great!" on Netflix. Beyond comedy, Papa's engagements extend to hosting "What A Joke With Papa And Fortune" on SiriusXM and appearing on NPR's "Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me." His love for baking led to hosting the Food Network series "Baked." As an actor, he's worked with notable figures like Rob Zombie and Steven Soderbergh and has appeared in several films and TV shows, including the HBO film "Behind the Candelabra." Additionally, Papa has contributed as a writer to projects like "Bee Movie" and various TV series. Residing in Los Angeles with his family, Papa continues to balance his professional life with personal interests like baking. Get in touch with or go see Tom live on stage! Radio, Podcasts and more: https://linktr.ee/tompapa/ Website - https://tompapa.com/ Instagram - https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/tompapa Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser
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