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00:00:06
[cheering]00:00:07
You love it. >> Yeah. I was just saying backstage, I'm00:00:09
like, it's such a fun show, your show.00:00:11
Like, I feel like00:00:12
>> it is.00:00:13
>> Well, you can come here anytime you00:00:14
want. You're on the lot. You have an00:00:16
office on a lot and you've never been00:00:17
here. >> I know. I don't know why. I don't know00:00:19
why. I don't understand.00:00:20
>> Pop over all the time now.00:00:21
>> You can anytime. Where is your Are you00:00:23
close to here?00:00:24
>> Yeah, we're we're like just a quick00:00:25
walk.00:00:26
>> Oh, well, yeah. Come come by and visit00:00:28
anytime. So, this is uh we know each00:00:30
other. You just haven't been on the00:00:32
show. Yes. >> Can you explain to people because it's00:00:34
I'd rather hear your version. I've never00:00:36
heard your version of the story, but00:00:37
tell people how we know each other.00:00:39
>> How we met. [laughter]00:00:42
I'm scared because my husband's going to00:00:44
kill me for telling this story, but it's00:00:48
my favorite story ever. And it's the00:00:49
story of how Ellen and I met. So, Tom00:00:52
and I, my husband, were on our00:00:53
honeymoon, which we delayed because we00:00:55
shot it at the beginning of the year and00:00:57
last year.00:00:58
We we had just gotten married, but we00:01:00
had to put off the honeymoon part. And00:01:02
so we we go to Tahiti and we'd gone to00:01:05
this island where you kind of live like00:01:06
Robinson Cru. So like it's like there's00:01:08
just like a shack that you stay in and00:01:10
there's no electricity and there's no00:01:11
mirrors or anything like that. So we'd00:01:13
been there for 4 days and then the last00:01:15
bit of the honeymoon was like a really00:01:18
nice hotel, like a really luxury. It was00:01:20
lovely. And so we get there, but it's00:01:22
raining and um and and we're like, "Oh,00:01:26
you know, we we by the way look00:01:28
disgusting because we haven't seen our00:01:30
own reflections in four days." And so we00:01:32
don't, >> by the way, they did not. [laughter]00:01:35
>> We're like, "Oh, what can we do here00:01:36
when it's raining?" And they're like,00:01:37
"Oh, you know, there's a lovely spa or00:01:40
there's the gym." And we're like, "Oh, I00:01:42
don't really want to work out, but I00:01:43
guess we could do like something at the00:01:44
gym." And so we get changed to go to the00:01:47
gym and Tom puts on these shorts that00:01:50
are like his oldest gym shorts and00:01:52
they're tiny and they're like really00:01:55
short and there's nothing underneath so00:01:56
they're you know he gets on his bicycle00:01:58
to ride there and I was like whoa. I was00:02:00
like I was like babe [laughter]00:02:03
like you cannot wear those shorts.00:02:05
They're like you know I can see00:02:08
everything. And he was like oh come on.00:02:10
Who are we going to run into? I mean,00:02:14
who's going to be here? And I was like,00:02:15
you're right. I mean, we'd just been on00:02:17
an island where no one else was for so00:02:19
long. So, I was like, yeah, you're00:02:20
right. I mean, who are we going to see?00:02:22
And so, we walk into the gym and running00:02:24
on a treadmill is Ellen.00:02:28
And >> and then on the treadmill next to her is00:02:30
Porsche, her wife. So, Ellen looks over00:02:33
and she was like,00:02:34
>> "Wait." And then, >> hey, no, no, all right. Go ahead.00:02:38
It's not even the best bit, but already00:02:40
Tom and I are like, "Oh my god." And uh00:02:44
Tom's face is like just gone white. And00:02:46
you're like, "Hi, hi." And I was like,00:02:48
"Oh my gosh, Ellen, so lovely to meet00:02:50
you." And you're like, "This is my wife,00:02:52
Porsche." I was like, "Lely to meet you,00:02:53
Porsha." I was already starruck. And00:02:55
then you're like, "Have you met uh have00:02:56
you met Obama?" And we were like,00:03:01
"What?" And standing next to them is00:03:04
former PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.00:03:09
>> [applause]00:03:12
>> I'M NOT KIDDING. I'm not kidding.00:03:14
[applause]00:03:15
In a gym that is tiny.00:03:16
>> The gym was the size of this this stage00:03:19
>> like even smaller. It was a very00:03:21
confined space. And we then had to do00:03:23
this whole like00:03:24
>> oh my god.00:03:25
>> We had to do this whole like class like00:03:27
this stretching class. But Tom meanwhile00:03:29
is trying to like not reveal anything00:03:32
and he's dying and I'm crying so much.00:03:35
I'm about to crack a rib. And with00:03:37
literally this gym instructor keeps00:03:39
saying to Tom, Tom, lunge, lunge, not00:03:41
lunging. And Tom's like trying to lunge00:03:44
cross-legged. And and Obama's like00:03:47
stepping over his legs to put his00:03:48
weights back. And like the whole thing00:03:51
was so absurd. It was it was hilarious.00:03:54
I mean, when when she says short shorts,00:03:56
they were I'm not exaggerating. They00:03:58
were to hear [cheering and applause]00:04:00
>> and wide. Like really wide.00:04:03
So00:04:04
>> when he when he was lunging, we're we're00:04:06
like [cheering]00:04:08
it was00:04:10
>> and then he's on the ground at one point00:04:13
and like stretching [cheering]00:04:16
and this part we're like, "Oh my god."00:04:18
Like we literally got to the end of the00:04:21
class and we're doing like a last00:04:22
stretch which was legs out00:04:25
and Tom's now got a towel on his crutch00:04:28
trying to be modest and his face just00:04:30
says it all. He's like, "I'm going to00:04:32
kill myself. The worst day of my life."00:04:34
And Ellen looks over and goes, "Boy,00:04:36
those are the wrong shorts to wear00:04:37
today."00:04:39
Oh my god, it was hilarious. And then00:04:42
the uh like two days later, we get uh00:04:45
laundry and I started looking through. I00:04:47
was like, "This is the wrong It's a00:04:48
small There's not There's only like 1000:04:50
cabins, but and I was like, "This is not00:04:52
our laundry." And then I come across00:04:53
pink shorts. I was like, "Oh, I know00:04:55
who's [laughter] the00:04:57
>> I got Tom shorts." And no, I know where00:05:00
these go. Oh my god.00:05:02
>> But I mean, so Obama was uh so he was00:05:04
there. He happened to be there writing00:05:06
his book and um so we were working out00:05:08
with him every day and when you walked00:05:11
in and and he's in those shorts. So I00:05:13
was like, "Oh my god, this is going to00:05:14
be hilarious. This is00:05:16
>> It was honestly one of the funniest00:05:18
things." >> But he's a huge fan of yours, Obama.00:05:21
>> I didn't even I obviously assumed that00:05:23
he would have no idea who I was, but00:05:24
when I walked in, you were like, "Oh, do00:05:25
you know Obama?" I was like, "No." I was00:05:27
like, "Hello, sir. I don't know what to00:05:29
call." He was like, "Hello." Yeah. He00:05:31
goes, "You're a very talented actress."00:05:33
And I was like, "Oh my god, Obama knows00:05:34
who I am." And he's like, "We were just00:05:36
talking about you the other night." I00:05:37
was like, "You were? What the hell?"00:05:39
Yeah. No, he's up on He knows what's00:05:42
going on. >> He's Yeah, he's up.00:05:43
>> All right. Well, I got you and Tom a00:05:45
gift. I didn't know he'd be here today,00:05:46
but um just so it doesn't happen again.00:05:49
[cheering]00:05:50
>> Um [applause]00:05:51
and there's00:05:54
Oh my god. [cheering and applause]00:05:56
There's some mesh in here to hold it all00:05:59
together. [cheering]00:06:00
[applause]00:06:01
>> Thank you.00:06:02
>> You're welcome.00:06:03
>> Great. Hey there.00:06:04
>> Hi. Hi. The audience is so well lit. I00:06:06
feel like I know all of you.00:06:07
>> Yeah. [cheering]00:06:10
>> It's normally dark out there.00:06:12
>> No, I like when we started the show, I00:06:14
thought they should be part of the show.00:06:15
They shouldn't be in the dark. They00:06:16
should be as lit as we are. So, we00:06:17
actually include them in the show. Okay.00:06:20
>> That's on purpose. It's Do you want me00:06:21
to turn? No, no, no. It's okay.00:06:23
>> Do you not want to see them?00:06:24
>> No, no, no. It's fine. Just keep00:06:25
smiling,00:06:26
>> okay?00:06:27
>> Be supportive. [laughter]00:06:29
>> Um, so first of all, the movie is00:06:31
fantastic. Porsche and I loved it. We00:06:33
watched it and said this is like a good00:06:35
old-fashioned spy thriller that the way00:06:37
movies used to be made and I I just love00:06:39
it. I think you're graded and I think00:06:41
the movie is fantastic. So, I highly00:06:44
recommend it. I think it's fantastic.00:06:45
And it comes out today. So, now you're00:06:46
officially on vacation.00:06:48
>> Yeah. >> And uh you have an ultra ego when you go00:06:51
on vacation.00:06:52
>> Yeah. I can't I can't go on a vacation00:06:53
right now cuz like I just can't have I00:06:55
can't deal with Gail. Like at the I need00:06:57
to rest before Gail.00:06:58
>> Okay. Why did you name her Gail?00:07:00
>> I didn't. Um she almost named herself. I00:07:03
think my girlfriend's probably named her00:07:05
Gail just by the way by the way I look.00:07:08
I I And it's a very specific drunk, too.00:07:11
It's not just like every time I'm drunk00:07:13
I turn into this g, you know? I think00:07:16
she's like some sort of like tortoise00:07:18
gambler or something. Like I don't I00:07:20
don't always turn into this masculine00:07:22
alter ego that like jumps into shark00:07:24
shark ridden waters just to make my00:07:25
friends laugh. My friends were like00:07:27
that's like too far Jen like no not00:07:30
funny. It's not every time. I think it00:07:32
might be rum which is what I brought up00:07:34
to Col Bear because the only time I00:07:36
drink rum is on vacation.00:07:37
>> Well you're on vacation. Bring the rum.00:07:40
>> Um [cheering]00:07:43
I can't I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS. OH MY00:07:47
GOD. [applause]00:07:48
I can't. I really can't. I'll take this00:07:51
one. >> Okay.00:07:53
>> They're all labeled. That's rum.00:07:54
>> They're fake, right? Are they?00:07:55
>> Let's see if they are.00:07:57
>> That's real. >> Yeah.00:07:58
>> Oh my god. This is not my old thing. I'm00:08:01
not this big of a drinker. I'm When I'm00:08:02
on a on a press tour,00:08:05
>> I really drink a lot.00:08:06
>> Yeah.00:08:07
>> Yeah. >> Only on a press tour.00:08:08
>> Yeah. But like if I'm working and like00:08:10
filming, then I can't sound like I'm00:08:11
like, you know, like this every night.00:08:13
>> No. Well, you wouldn't be able to00:08:15
because you're you're very professional.00:08:17
>> Press tours. It's the only way to make00:08:18
it through.00:08:19
>> Yeah. So, um, let's talk about Gail some00:08:21
more00:08:22
>> while you drink that. Um,00:08:24
>> Gail's a lovely She's got a heart of00:08:26
gold.00:08:27
>> Can we show a picture of Gail because00:08:28
she does look very00:08:29
>> There she is.00:08:30
>> There is my girl.00:08:32
>> Zoom in, please.00:08:33
>> That's how you normally look. And then00:08:35
Gail is What is the difference there?00:08:37
>> First of all, that's not how I nor Oh my00:08:39
god. Look, I was trying to look cute. I00:08:42
was like having getting photographed00:08:43
with all my like girlfriends on the00:08:45
beach. Like I wanted to look cute. And00:08:47
look what I can't even repeat it. Like00:08:50
>> I It's my whole face is just crippling.00:08:52
>> It's a different face. That's not your00:08:54
normal smile.00:08:55
>> No, I hope not. It might be. I don't00:08:57
know.00:08:58
>> No, but the hair too just so00:09:00
presidential.00:09:01
>> Yeah. [cheering]00:09:02
>> What happens? So you become braver. You00:09:05
you go into sharkinfested water.00:09:06
>> I'll just give you like 5 seconds of00:09:08
gale. So from there we went conchk00:09:10
diving and we pull up the conchk and the00:09:12
guy driving our boat goes, "Look, they00:09:13
all have little worms." I took it out of00:09:15
his hand and swallowed it and then00:09:18
pulled the worms out of all the conchks00:09:19
and swallowed all the worms. And some of00:09:22
my friends are like kind of laughing,00:09:23
but they're like, "Hello, hello."00:09:25
[laughter]00:09:27
And um and then we pull up and he's00:09:30
like, "And this is where the fisherman00:09:31
clean all the all the fish out, you00:09:33
know, so there's all these sharks here."00:09:35
AND I WAS LIKE, "SACK." [laughter] JUST00:09:36
JUMPED IN. And everyone's like,00:09:39
"Somebody get her some water and coffee.00:09:42
She's gonna die."00:09:43
>> Wow. Um, it was just like one masculine00:09:45
like what is that what are those people00:09:48
called? Adrenaline adrenaline junkies.00:09:50
Yeah. And I'm like I'm normally like00:09:51
pretty cautious.00:09:52
>> I've never really like that. [laughter]00:09:55
>> Wow.00:09:56
>> In real life and then I I get rum in me00:09:58
and I'M JUST LIKE WATCH.00:10:00
>> UHHUH.00:10:01
>> So because usually if you drink vodka00:10:03
you don't you don't become Gail. It's00:10:06
only rum. >> I'm trying to think what I drank at your00:10:08
birthday.00:10:09
>> Vodka. >> Okay.00:10:10
>> I think I think you did.00:10:12
>> Yeah. And that did something else, but00:10:13
not Gail.00:10:14
>> But I think I think someone was passing00:10:16
a I think it was Reese walking around00:10:18
with a tray of tequila shots, though. So00:10:20
I don't know if you did that.00:10:21
>> I probably knocked the tray over.00:10:23
[laughter]00:10:25
I don't know. I All I know is after five00:10:27
minutes, me and Jennifer Aniston had our00:10:29
arms around each other. No, I love you00:10:31
the most. No, I love you. I love you.00:10:34
[laughter] We were just like nostrils00:10:36
flared. It's really intense. I love her.00:10:39
>> And she loves you. I love a lot of00:10:41
people at your party. [laughter]00:10:45
>> So, what kind of drunk was this on? Uh,00:10:48
this was a red carpet and I want to00:10:49
know. [laughter]00:10:55
>> No.00:10:57
>> What? >> No.00:10:59
Oh god, it was so awful. Okay, in my00:11:02
defense, please take her away. OH MY00:11:06
>> OH MY GOD.00:11:07
>> THAT'S NOT GAIL, RIGHT? NO, that's00:11:09
someone else. I just met her the other00:11:11
night. I feel like her name ends with an00:11:12
E. Um or like Veroni or something. I00:11:18
don't know. So, what happened was I did00:11:19
Andy Cohen. I was drinking a lot of wine00:11:23
and then um and then I went to Co Bear,00:11:26
tried to sober up. It was like drinking00:11:27
coffee and I was like, "Uh oh, I got too00:11:29
drunk with the housewives." This is00:11:30
something I've always dreamt of saying.00:11:32
So, I [laughter] was like, "I got too00:11:33
drunk with the housewives trying to00:11:34
drink coffee and then he pulls out shots00:11:36
of rum in the middle of the show. Then I00:11:38
have to go to the premiere and I am00:11:40
hammered. And so I get on the red00:11:43
carpet. I'm like, "Don't look drunk.00:11:45
[cheering] Don't look drunk." And then I00:11:47
look like I've been electrified. Oh my00:11:49
god.00:11:50
>> Oh my god.00:11:51
>> That was you trying not to look drunk.00:11:54
>> Yeah. >> Wow.00:11:56
>> It would have been better just to look00:11:57
drunk, I think.00:11:58
>> I think I think my nipple was out, too.00:12:00
It was just all sorts of awful.00:12:02
>> I don't think your nipple's out. Is00:12:04
>> that I really think um drinking is a00:12:06
good idea for me. Yeah.00:12:08
>> Good way to get through pressure.00:12:09
>> No, it it WORKED OUT.00:12:11
>> OH,00:12:12
>> HELLO SIR.00:12:13
>> OH, >> what happened?00:12:14
>> Nothing. Just old.00:12:16
>> Yeah. Um, you congratulations. So,00:12:19
you're the hardback was bestselling and00:12:21
now you've it's gone to paperback.00:12:23
>> Yes.00:12:24
>> That's a wonderful thing.00:12:25
>> They should buy it now because the next00:12:27
one isn't free. This is the last stop.00:12:29
>> Yeah. >> It's paperback. So, get a crowbar in00:12:31
your wallet and grab it. Uh, it's really00:12:33
fun. I used [laughter]00:12:37
just open to one page. It's funny00:12:38
everything. Just look down.00:12:40
>> Yeah, it is very funny and and00:12:42
informative. You have uh dating tips on00:12:44
here. Perhaps you have dating tips for00:12:45
Ari.00:12:46
>> I will tell him if you want to be a00:12:47
baller. I I uh Derek Jeter does this. I00:12:50
don't know if Ari is in that league just00:12:51
yet, but Derek Jeter did something which00:12:54
I thought was hysterical. I heard he00:12:56
after a date the next day he sends them00:12:59
Yankees tickets and an autographed00:13:00
jersey after they stay over, which I00:13:03
thought was interesting. [laughter]00:13:05
And so I00:13:08
give girls a Jod Dirt keychain00:13:11
>> and a Emperor's New Groove throw pillow00:13:14
and then I say you can grab a Kate Spade00:13:16
irregular bag out of the garage and00:13:18
[laughter]00:13:20
one per custom. Yeah. Uh but sometimes00:13:23
when you date I got to tell Ari this00:13:25
when there's a breakup uh that uh you00:13:28
got to be careful about that because00:13:30
usually I'm getting broken up with but00:13:33
uh if you do break up girls are very00:13:35
sensitive to the timing of it. You have00:13:36
to there's never a good time because if00:13:38
you break up they tell their friends he00:13:40
broke up with me 10 days before00:13:43
Christmas. You go so it wasn't00:13:45
Christmas. No but 10 days before. Oh00:13:48
really? It was two and a half months00:13:50
after my birthday. [laughter]00:13:53
I really underlined birthday. Uh, he00:13:56
broke up with me on daylight savings00:13:59
time.00:14:01
>> So, I had an extra hour to cry. He did00:14:03
it on purpose. [laughter]00:14:07
>> That's it.00:14:08
>> So, you have to be careful. Well, I'll00:14:09
make sure he's careful when he breaks up00:14:11
with somebody. Um,00:14:12
>> we got to find somebody for him. But,00:14:14
you know, we really do. How's your love00:14:16
life? Are you with someone? uh00:14:18
[laughter]00:14:19
went through a bit of a breakup recently00:14:21
and it was a little tough. Uh but00:14:23
>> did she break up with you or did you00:14:24
break up with her?00:14:25
>> Uh no comment. Um no, obviously I'm the00:14:28
problem in every situation, but uh she00:14:31
was great. Yeah, I sort of messed it up.00:14:33
But um I went to get a new shirt because00:14:36
I thought I got to get out there like00:14:38
Ari. So I went to Macy's in the Valley00:14:41
because I sometimes go to the Valley00:14:43
because I'm about 8% more famous there.00:14:45
Uh, [laughter]00:14:47
I have an app for it. So,00:14:51
uh, [laughter]00:14:54
so I go out there and then, uh, but I go00:14:56
in and then I wanted to get a shirt and00:14:58
I look in the mirror and you know when00:14:59
you go in the mirror, I know what I look00:15:02
like in the mirror. It's not great, you00:15:03
know, whatever. It's like a six or00:15:04
seven, whatever. I mean, I just going00:15:06
off the internet. So, so, but I'm okay00:15:10
with it at this point, but it's exactly00:15:12
straight on. Can I stand up? Uh, when00:15:15
you go into the mirror at Macy's, it's00:15:16
an octagon or something. So you I have00:15:20
you ever seen yourself from the side?00:15:21
It's horrifying. [laughter]00:15:22
I go like this. Who's this dude? Oh my00:15:25
god, is that me? Is that what the world00:15:26
sees every day? It's who invited Gollum00:15:30
in here? I'm like I go, oh my god, is00:15:33
[laughter] that It's literally like six,00:15:35
five, two, two, two.00:15:39
And00:15:41
so depressing. And so when I went out00:15:44
that night, I couldn't even get it out00:15:46
of my head. So I just stayed flat with00:15:48
girls. I'm like this. How you doing?00:15:51
You girls want drinks? Hinekin. He00:15:53
hinekin BRB. [laughter]00:15:59
>> Yeah.00:16:01
[cheering and applause]00:16:04
>> It got worse coming around.00:16:07
>> Oh my god. That is hilarious. That00:16:09
That's No, that's And you look great.00:16:11
And you always have look great. So stop00:16:13
saying that. But I and I hope you get00:16:14
out there and back out there. I hope you00:16:16
meet somebody. That would be a good00:16:17
fight. Yeah. >> Um what's the story with Adele? Did you00:16:19
How did you meet Adele?00:16:20
>> Oh, Adele. You know, beautiful Adele. I00:16:22
saw out in the real world. I don't get00:16:25
starruck that much. And I was a little00:16:26
starruck. I having sushi. And uh she00:16:30
comes trapesing in with her squad. And00:16:33
uh I could tell she's so pretty. No00:16:35
makeup, just walking in. I was like, I00:16:37
think that's a D. And then I go, I'm not00:16:40
going to say anything because I'm not00:16:42
like that, you know. Then I got a few00:16:43
knocks in me.00:16:46
Oh yeah, little loudmouth soup.00:16:50
[laughter] And I was on my way. I go, she'll be mad00:16:52
if I don't say something, you know.00:16:54
[laughter]00:16:55
But she has a bodyguard. I've seen you.00:16:58
You don't have bodyguards. She has a00:16:59
bodyguard. And there's a little curtain00:17:00
room. So I go, I don't want to just bust00:17:03
in. And so I do the procedure where I00:17:05
walk up and he's like and you are, you00:17:07
know, my old bit. And uh [laughter] and00:17:09
then I go, "Hey, can I go talk to Dell?00:17:12
I'm sort of a medium star, you know,00:17:13
whatever." Cuz he's British, too. And I00:17:16
don't know what the deal is. So I filled00:17:18
out the paperwork, you know.00:17:21
Have you been in a million$100 million00:17:23
movie? I guess. Sure. You're never going00:17:24
to check, you know, whatever. [laughter]00:17:26
So I I go in and I don't say hello. Oh,00:17:30
I don't give her the cornball one, you00:17:33
know. I go, "What's up?00:17:37
I give her the American one, you know."00:17:40
And then uh but I had my phone in my00:17:42
hand and I and I she was eyeballing it.00:17:44
I didn't know I didn't want her to think00:17:46
I wanted a selfie, you know, slowly back00:17:48
in the holster. I don't want her to00:17:51
tighten up, you know. So, I go, "Hey, D,00:17:54
like, you know, I'm like really00:17:55
good-looking in America. I don't know00:17:56
what it's like."00:17:58
>> [laughter]00:17:59
>> I'm a huge deal over here. And uh and00:18:02
then, you know, blank looks, whatever.00:18:04
But then I talked to her and she was00:18:05
very sweet. And then I was like uh oh,00:18:09
she goes, "I'm playing the Staples00:18:10
Center in August." I go, "Oh, that whole00:18:11
month is tough for me." Like, she00:18:14
invites me and I don't even know what00:18:16
I'm saying cuz I'm a little loopy, you00:18:17
know, buzz. [laughter]00:18:19
And of course, I stay maybe a solid00:18:21
minute too long. Uh because I was00:18:23
yammering away, blah blah blah. And then00:18:26
uh I said, "Um, oh yeah, let's do this00:18:27
at my house next time. I have a huge00:18:29
backyard. What am I talking about? Why00:18:32
am I saying this?"00:18:34
>> It was probably four minutes too long.00:18:36
>> And then I go, "All right, I'm out." And00:18:38
they're like, >> but she It was Anyway, it was great.00:18:40
Very embarrassing. But when you get00:18:42
Starruck, I see what happens. You don't00:18:44
know what's going on.00:18:45
>> Let's do this in my back.00:18:46
>> I know. So dumb. What was that? I go,00:18:48
"When I go to England, you owe me00:18:49
dinner." She didn't buy me. I You know,00:18:52
>> I didn't buy her I don't know. Oh, I00:18:54
said I'll buy everyone dinner. That's00:18:55
another thing. And they all go, "Oh."00:18:56
And I go, "I'm kidding. I'm not on this00:18:58
show right [laughter] now."00:19:00
>> Four in a row. That's zonked.00:19:02
>> Anyway,00:19:03
>> well, they work well now.00:19:04
>> Bodyguard is like this.00:19:09
>> Well, congratulations to you.00:19:11
>> Oh, thank you.00:19:12
>> I mean, that's amazing. So, you wrote00:19:14
this movie which is based on your life.00:19:16
Uh, if you haven't seen The Big Sick, I00:19:17
I recommend it. Um, it's your first00:19:20
screenplay and it's getting Oscar buzz.00:19:22
Like I said, the movie was sold at00:19:23
Sundance for 12 million $12 million. Um,00:19:27
and it went on to become a huge hit. You00:19:29
hosted SNL for the first time, and00:19:31
you're getting all kinds of nominations.00:19:33
And I mean, this this must feel amazing00:19:35
to do something like this.00:19:36
>> It is. I want to clarify those $1200:19:38
million didn't go to us. We didn't00:19:41
really see very much of it. No.00:19:43
>> But everybody thinks that, you know,00:19:45
they want us to pay for stuff and we00:19:46
can't quite do it. So, if you have00:19:48
something from my room, I would take00:19:50
that. There they are. Wow, that was very00:19:52
inspiring, guys. And now I'm here just00:19:56
>> I shouldn't have to follow them. They're00:19:57
amazing.00:19:58
>> Why am I00:20:00
>> Yeah, you're doing You're doing all00:20:01
right, too, though. I mean, that's00:20:02
amazing to to write a screenplay in your00:20:04
first screenplay to do this kind of00:20:06
>> It's been This year has been last year00:20:09
personally a personal triumph and a00:20:12
global disaster, I think.00:20:13
>> Yeah. [laughter] So,00:20:14
>> um so yeah.00:20:16
>> Yeah, it's been amazing. my wife and I,00:20:18
you know, we we wrote this movie00:20:20
together. We'd never written a movie. We00:20:21
had no idea if anybody would ever watch00:20:23
it or anything. And then, you know, it's00:20:26
uh it's done really well. So, it's been00:20:28
really exciting. We've been00:20:29
>> because the story is like a it's a well,00:20:31
we'll get to that in the second segment00:20:32
because I want to talk about other00:20:33
things, but like it's a it's an00:20:35
interesting, you know, life that you've00:20:37
both had and the way you met. Now, your00:20:39
wife, do you do you talk about her in00:20:42
standup?00:20:43
>> I do a little bit. Um, but you know, uh,00:20:48
it's she helps me with my standup too,00:20:51
like so, so a lot of the the stuff gets00:20:55
sanded down a little bit. I see in the00:20:57
rewrite, but you know, there's some00:20:59
stuff like, "Oh, this happened recently.00:21:02
I was sleeping and at 4 in the morning,00:21:04
my she woke me up and she's like, "Do00:21:07
you smell that?"00:21:09
And I go, "I smell something." So I go,00:21:11
"Yeah, I do smell something." And she00:21:13
goes, "What do you think it is?" And I00:21:15
go, "I don't know." And she goes, "I00:21:17
think it's trouble." Uh, and before I00:21:21
could say anything, she's got her laptop00:21:22
open and she's googling smells cuz00:21:25
there's no Shazam for smells, you know.00:21:28
Uh, so what she finds is it's probably00:21:31
in a message board. She finds what it00:21:33
probably is. Probably it's just probably00:21:35
just a wire on fire in one of the walls.00:21:40
And tonight you're all going to perish.00:21:44
Um, [laughter]00:21:46
so I'm like, "Let's take care of it." In00:21:47
the morning, she's already calling 911.00:21:50
And as she's talking to him, I say,00:21:51
"Please don't say the phrase wire on00:21:54
fire cuz it rhymes and it's going to00:21:56
make it look really stupid." So she's00:21:59
like, you know, it's probably not a big00:22:00
deal. There's this smell and what it00:22:02
probably is in the walls. There's00:22:03
probably a wire ablaze.00:22:08
[laughter]00:22:12
And I'm like, "Tell them not to send00:22:14
firet trucks cuz it's nothing." And she00:22:16
goes, "Don't send firet trucks." Four00:22:18
fire trucks show up 30 seconds later.00:22:21
And then she looks at me and she goes,00:22:22
"Not it."00:22:25
Which is what we do when we order food00:22:26
to our house.00:22:28
But if you call 911, you got to get the00:22:31
door. >> Yeah.00:22:32
>> We hadn't established that. So now I00:22:34
have to put pants on. this whole story.00:22:36
No pants. Um, but a full tuxedo top.00:22:39
That way I'm ready for any kind of00:22:40
dream.00:22:41
>> Sure. Good idea.00:22:44
[laughter]00:22:46
>> Cuz I'm ready for a party or just home00:22:48
time. So I go, I open the door and00:22:50
there's three tall fire men. They're00:22:54
men, you know. They're taller than me in00:22:56
every way physically and spiritually.00:22:58
[laughter]00:22:59
Cuz I'm never with like men, you know.00:23:01
I'm like I hang out with standup00:23:03
comedians. It's whatever this is is it's00:23:05
more of this.00:23:07
[laughter]00:23:08
And I kind of want to yell to Emily00:23:10
like, "Emily, they're real men.00:23:13
There's men outside our home. It's00:23:15
exciting." [laughter]00:23:18
And they go, "You call it about the00:23:20
smell." And I'm like, "Yeah." They said,00:23:22
"You mean the skunk?" And I was like,00:23:24
"Oh,00:23:26
that is what that is." And then there's00:23:29
this awkward moment where I have to be00:23:30
like, "Do do you guys WANT TO COME00:23:32
INSIDE?" And they're like, "No, we we're00:23:34
men. We have to go fight fires."00:23:37
>> Oh my god. So, you had never smelled a00:23:40
skunk before. Obviously,00:23:41
>> Ellen, I had But 4 in the morning,00:23:43
skunks smell different.00:23:44
>> I see.00:23:46
>> Hi.00:23:47
>> Hi. >> Well, things are going your way, Missy.00:23:49
>> Listen.00:23:50
>> Listen. >> I am not fighting any of it.00:23:52
>> It's all It's all good. And uh we spoke00:23:54
on the phone after you won uh the Emmy00:23:57
award. Congratulations for winning the00:23:59
Emmy. [cheering]00:24:00
>> Thanks. Nuts. You didn't have a voice.00:24:03
>> I know. I may have been out somewhat00:24:07
late. >> Yeah.00:24:08
>> That night. And like for me, I'm usually00:24:09
in bed by 8:30 and I was out till 60000:24:11
just like d like dancing like I was 20.00:24:14
Like dancing till it's like you need to00:24:15
go home. Like you're not you shouldn't00:24:18
be doing that. I was like sweaty and00:24:20
like really like thinking like I should00:24:22
do this professionally. [laughter]00:24:25
I took a turn somewhere around three.00:24:27
>> Well, it's very exciting. I mean, and00:24:29
there's just so many good things going00:24:31
on for you right now. I'm I'm really00:24:33
happy to hear. And this will help you uh00:24:35
probably with your hobby that I I00:24:38
understand we both enjoy moving a lot.00:24:41
>> Yes. To my my poor poor husband uh does00:24:44
not enjoy it the same way I do. But00:24:46
yeah, that's a shame. I can't I could00:24:48
never even think about like a house00:24:49
that's fully done. Like Billy uh who00:24:52
plays Mike on the show, of course, just00:24:53
bought a house and he's like and I'm00:24:55
like, you know, what do we need? What do00:24:56
we need? Do we need paint? we need to00:24:58
knock down walls. He's like, "Does it00:24:59
need a thing?" I was like, "Oh,00:25:01
>> yeah." Like, I want to buy something00:25:03
that's barely standing.00:25:04
>> And so, Wow.00:25:05
>> I really do. I want to like red.00:25:07
>> Do you enjoy the construction part of it00:25:08
or the designing inside part?00:25:10
>> Yes. >> Mhm. All of it.00:25:12
>> Yeah. It never It never ends. And I have00:25:15
we're we're putting up a fence00:25:17
>> in front and which I have I don't know00:25:20
if I'm going to be able to keep the same00:25:21
guys that are always helping me and00:25:23
doing a great job because I've00:25:24
>> Why is that? I did well I did a little00:25:26
something that's a bit odd. I was coming00:25:28
down. It has to start with Spanx. So I00:25:32
ap Okay, I'll just start at the00:25:33
beginning. I was told to bring in these00:25:36
Spanx. We all a lot of us wear them00:25:38
occasionally for something. [cheering]00:25:40
And um00:25:41
>> I kept told to bring them in to work00:25:43
>> to work. Well, there's a certain kind00:25:44
that I liked and they kept saying just00:25:46
tell me this. I need the style number.00:25:47
Will you bring them in? And then like00:25:49
two weeks go by and I keep forgetting00:25:50
and I feel like a dingbat. So, I'm in my00:25:52
room getting ready for work and I see00:25:54
them and I was like, just put them on.00:25:56
Clearly, you can't take them and put00:25:57
them in your purse. So, your punishment00:25:59
is just just put them on and wear them00:26:01
into work. So, I get ready and I always00:26:03
leave for work kind of like a sherpa. I00:26:04
have like a bag of this, a bag of things00:26:06
I think I'm going to get done which00:26:08
don't. I just carry it back and forth00:26:09
from work from work to home. So, I have00:26:11
like three bags, three bags. I have a00:26:13
messenger bag across me and I'm coming00:26:15
downstairs and the guys are up front00:26:17
building the fence and it's kind of00:26:18
sprinkling out. So, I was shocked to see00:26:20
them. It was so nice. And I'm coming00:26:22
down the stairs and I was like, which00:26:23
bag is pulling somewhere? Like it's00:26:26
pulling a sweater. And I'm like I I I00:26:28
can't even look to see what's pulling me00:26:30
because I've got too many bags. And so I00:26:32
come down the stairs and I see the guys.00:26:34
I'm like, "Hey, good morning, guys." And00:26:35
they're just like00:26:37
[laughter]00:26:38
and I think they're acting weird. And I00:26:40
was like, "God, do they think I've made00:26:41
them be here on a rainy day? I'm00:26:43
thinking it's about the rain." And then00:26:45
I'm standing there and I have all these00:26:46
bags. I'm kind of shifting back and00:26:48
forth and I'm chatting and and like the00:26:50
fence is looking great. It's really and00:26:53
they're only looking like top of hair00:26:55
and up00:26:57
and it's really odd because they're only00:26:59
doing this and now I'm looking at my00:27:00
roof cuz I think [laughter] like what's00:27:03
up there? Like is there some is there00:27:04
like a cat on the roof? And so I'm00:27:06
lingering. I'm now turning around fully00:27:09
[laughter] and then all of a sudden I00:27:10
think I I'm standing there and I go to00:27:12
rearrange a bag and I look down. My00:27:14
sweater is now up around here.00:27:20
Nothing but fleshcoled Spanx.00:27:24
>> Where are your pants?00:27:25
>> I see Oh, I'm I'll get there. [laughter]00:27:29
>> Flesh colored Spanx. I see bare00:27:31
kneecaps.00:27:33
And then my pants are somewhere like low00:27:35
calf.00:27:38
And I'm not kidding. It was [cheering]00:27:40
horrifying.00:27:41
And these poor guys were like00:27:46
And I've se I've been like shifting back00:27:48
and forth. I'M LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT I00:27:49
MEAN? AND I'M TURNING around like as if00:27:51
this wasn't enough. I was like, "You00:27:52
better check this out." Like I literally00:27:55
was like I was 360ing myself,00:27:58
[applause and cheering] but I couldn't00:27:59
feel it because I thought I had, you00:28:02
know, you felt I felt the spank. So, I00:28:03
didn't know the feeling when I thought,00:28:05
"Oh, something's pulling on my sweater."00:28:07
As I came down the stairs now, I00:28:10
realized my pants just dropped off and00:28:12
they saw it coming. So, as I was coming00:28:14
at them, they were like, "Oh, God."00:28:18
[applause] >> How [cheering] did How did you It was00:28:20
like you were stretchy. How did you not00:28:23
feel that against your00:28:24
>> Apparently, I'm dead from the knee down.00:28:26
I don't know. I didn't feel I didn't00:28:29
feel anything. And then it's and then00:28:30
when I finally saw I saw like you know I00:28:32
barely wore like a short sleeve and here00:28:34
I am like pantsless in my front yard in00:28:36
front of these gorgeous colors nude00:28:38
which is00:28:40
>> it's an awfully attractive look. And I00:28:42
couldn't do anything. I just reached00:28:43
down. I was like just loving the fence00:28:46
loving loving the fence. And I just got00:28:49
in my car and like turned beat red. I00:28:51
was like00:28:52
>> oh my god. Have you seen them since?00:28:53
>> Yes I saw them today.00:28:55
>> And how are they?00:28:56
>> I think they're a little weirded out by00:28:58
me. Yeah, I really do like because I I00:29:00
say like, "Oh, good morning. How's it00:29:02
going?" They're like, "Yeah, good. Thank00:29:03
you. Good." They're always like suddenly00:29:06
measuring something. [laughter]00:29:08
>> I think they just don't want to they00:29:10
don't want to see what's coming next.00:29:11
>> Oh, that's horrible.00:29:13
>> Two weeks ago.00:29:14
>> Oh, really?00:29:15
>> It's a fresh incident. It's terrible.00:29:16
>> I know. Well, you're00:29:17
>> I apologize.00:29:18
>> You're taking it well. I apologize.00:29:20
>> Yeah, I think you're handling it well. I00:29:21
would have just moved that day.00:29:23
[laughter]00:29:24
>> Maybe I should have.00:29:25
>> That would have been it. I just would00:29:26
have never come back.00:29:27
>> Horrified. So, uh, hi.00:29:29
>> Hi. >> How's the the poster doing that we gave00:29:31
you?00:29:32
>> Well, um, I realized when I got home00:29:34
that it was a hostel hostel gift.00:29:37
>> Um, so you got me that that portrait and00:29:39
I live in Manhattan, so my apartment is00:29:42
the size of this chair.00:29:44
>> So, it takes up my whole apartment.00:29:46
>> Oh, no.00:29:47
>> Yeah. >> Why don't you move here? Then you'd have00:29:49
a bigger place. Do you like it here? But00:29:52
I mean, I don't fit in here. Just00:29:55
straight like straight up body type.00:29:56
Like in LA, my arms register as legs.00:29:59
They're just like00:30:01
[laughter]00:30:02
>> like why is that octopus on Sunset? Is00:30:04
that00:30:06
>> It's not It's not for me out here. It's00:30:08
not. No, but I you know00:30:10
>> What do you do when you're here?00:30:12
>> I cry. I just sit in my room00:30:15
>> balling. No, I uh well, last last time I00:30:18
was here, right from the show, I I got00:30:20
court courtside tickets to a Laker game.00:30:23
>> That's fun. >> Yeah, cuz my my uh business agent00:30:25
thought I was mad at him for sexually00:30:27
harassing me.00:30:28
>> Um Well,00:30:29
>> but no, I'm like 33, so I'm just00:30:31
starting to really appreciate that. You00:30:33
know what I mean?00:30:35
>> Well, it's true. I I can't speak for00:30:36
everyone. I'm not like sexually har, but00:30:38
in your 20s, I feel like you walk around00:30:40
like you'll walk past a construction00:30:41
site and be kind of like, oh, like don't00:30:44
look. But then in your 30s, you know,00:30:46
you I'm just like, "What about this?"00:30:48
Yeah. Like, "Come up." It's like my00:30:50
skirt's over my head. I'm like, "Ah,00:30:53
they're like, "We're eating." But, uh,00:30:55
[laughter]00:30:57
>> it changes. It really does.00:31:00
>> It changes. So, I I got courtside seats,00:31:03
which you sat courtside at a game,00:31:05
right? I thought I went I thought it00:31:06
would be free booze. Um, it's not. It's00:31:10
not. I guess you have to like be on the00:31:12
team to get free booze. So, I go I get00:31:17
randomly seated next to Diana Agron, you00:31:19
know, the actress. She's on Glee. She00:31:21
played the cheerleader Quinn. That I00:31:23
mean, that lets you know how hot she is.00:31:25
Yeah. Oh, there we go. There's the00:31:27
picture. Thanks for Yes. Isn't that00:31:29
great? She's like the most gorgeous girl00:31:32
ever. Her name was Quinn on that show.00:31:34
To pull off that name. Like if my name00:31:36
were Quinn on a show, they'd be like,00:31:38
"Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper that00:31:43
does a jig time and again, you know, but00:31:45
so she's there. Is she not like an00:31:48
angel?" So, and the whole night she's00:31:50
like, she's like this cuz she knows00:31:52
people are taking pictures of her. I00:31:54
obviously don't.00:31:58
I learned a I learned that my resting00:32:00
face is just a scowl. It's just00:32:03
[laughter]00:32:05
And I learned, you could see that I have00:32:07
what I'm now calling an at risk chin.00:32:10
>> Um, [laughter]00:32:13
this is not a good section. If I don't00:32:17
like keep it at sea level, it just00:32:19
doubles itself. Just I become the00:32:22
dinosaur in the jeep in Jurassic Park.00:32:24
Just [laughter]00:32:27
so I'm like no idea if people are taking00:32:30
pictures. I'm pounding red wine and I I00:32:33
thought it was free and I [laughter]00:32:36
>> I want I get red wine teeth right out00:32:38
the gate, you know, like just first like00:32:40
sniff of Merllo, just true blood mouth.00:32:44
I look like I've been feeding and I'm00:32:45
eating popcorn the way I think we all00:32:48
eat popcorn which is you know at first00:32:50
don't you always kind of start out kind00:32:51
of like lying to yourself like oh little00:32:54
hot00:32:58
like one piece at a time you know and00:33:00
then and then like you get a little more00:33:02
real right and then eventually you just00:33:05
like you get real real and it's JUST00:33:09
[laughter] like I've split my lip trying00:33:11
to get one more kernel00:33:13
It's true in my dumb mouth. It is true.00:33:17
[laughter]00:33:19
And so that's what happened. If you00:33:20
Google me, it's me. And I learned I look00:33:22
like her. Actually, I look like her if00:33:24
she were stung by a million bees.00:33:27
It's true. I look like her if she were00:33:30
like becoming the Hulk. That's00:33:32
[laughter]00:33:33
And she, you know, she wanted to be00:33:34
friends and I'm like, I can't I can't.00:33:36
We don't have, we're not the same thing.00:33:39
Like she was telling me hot people00:33:41
problems, you know. She's like, "You00:33:43
won't stop calling." And I'm like, "I00:33:45
hate that."00:33:47
[laughter]00:33:49
>> Do you eat popcorn like that, though?00:33:50
Are you a popcorn lover?00:33:52
>> Yeah, I do. And I eat it exactly like00:33:53
that.00:33:54
>> Right. And that's why I'm so annoy I'm00:33:55
single again. So, I'm going to have to00:33:56
start dating some guy and we'll go to00:33:58
the movies and he'll be like, "Do you00:34:00
want to get popcorn?" And I have to be00:34:01
like, "Oh, I hadn't even thought about00:34:03
it."00:34:05
He's like, "What size?" And I'm like,00:34:07
"Small. Look at me." And00:34:11
right like a small part that's like00:34:12
taking one Advil like get out of here.00:34:16
Get I want to tough and I want to dump00:34:19
my head in it and and then you know I'll00:34:23
be pretending not to think about the00:34:24
problem.00:34:25
>> Hilarious. So when you say you're going00:34:27
to start dating again, that means that00:34:28
you're are you dating at all?00:34:31
>> No, I um Well, I know everyone here is00:34:34
like, "How do we date you?" Thank you.00:34:36
Um00:34:37
you can't. And not just because I'm not00:34:39
totally out of the woods with this UTI I00:34:41
have right now, but also [laughter]00:34:45
but also Thank you. Oh my god.00:34:49
[applause]00:34:54
[applause] No, but I'm I'm not on any00:34:56
dating websites. I don't I I'm on I have00:34:58
one like app on my phone that's kind00:35:01
it's it's called Food Spotting00:35:03
[laughter] and it it's like Tinder but for food. So00:35:06
it lets you know this is totally real.00:35:08
It lets they they let you know about00:35:10
food in your area. So like this week in00:35:13
LA, I was like eyeing this one00:35:14
particular scone00:35:16
>> and uh under a mile away. Coincidence?00:35:20
Probably not. Uh so I'm like, should I00:35:23
go? And my friends are like, go like00:35:26
check it out. So I went to the scone and00:35:29
I kind of just like cidled up to it and00:35:31
I was like, oh my god, you look just00:35:33
like your picture.00:35:35
>> [applause]00:35:36
>> So, I'm kind of dating. Kind of. It's00:35:39
different than that. You should.00:35:41
[laughter]00:35:42
>> Oh my god.00:35:43
>> Pretty much the same exact hilar. It's00:35:45
almost exactly the same. I was just told00:35:47
it's been four years since you've been00:35:48
here.00:35:49
>> It's I can't believe it.00:35:51
>> So fast.00:35:52
>> I know. It does. But you're always00:35:53
traveling. And where are you living now?00:35:55
>> I uh I live between00:35:59
Washington State, Paris, London, and LA.00:36:02
>> Okay. So, where are the animals? Cuz you00:36:04
have a lot of animals00:36:06
>> because there I have my sanctuary.00:36:08
>> You keep them there?00:36:09
>> I not00:36:10
>> they travel with you,00:36:11
>> you know. I don't travel with them so00:36:13
much anymore because I travel too much.00:36:15
It's not good for them. But before I00:36:16
used to travel with them to every movie,00:36:19
which was always a nightmare, you know,00:36:20
I I show up to movie set sometimes with00:36:23
five dogs. I don't have little dogs00:36:24
because, you know, I pick them up from00:36:26
the street and they they they never send00:36:30
the Chihuahua to the street, you know.00:36:32
It's always like some kind of strange00:36:35
dog that it's me medium or big size and00:36:39
they got me into a lot of trouble. I00:36:41
mean I I have some really nightmare00:36:43
stories of when I used to travel with my00:36:45
dogs to to the movies but I really00:36:47
cherish them. I think I think the worst00:36:49
one was one time I was in a very00:36:51
luxurious hotel that didn't want my dogs00:36:53
and I begged them and convinced them and00:36:55
they said, "Okay, we're going to give00:36:56
you this little house that had a fence.00:36:58
couldn't see inside inside of the hotel00:37:01
and it was just a room and like a00:37:03
courtyard and we were shooting very late00:37:06
this movie and then at night I would00:37:09
walk and I would run there. Lupe, which00:37:11
is now 17 years old.00:37:14
>> Wow.00:37:15
>> And she's the smartest dog I've had and00:37:17
her sister, I only took two, would open00:37:19
the door and wait for me in the00:37:21
courtyard for me to let them in. One day00:37:24
is a very luxurious hotel in the00:37:26
Bahamas.00:37:28
I arrive and they're not there. They ran00:37:31
and they went ahead of me, but when I00:37:33
arrived, they're not there. And then I00:37:36
hear this screaming and big commotion.00:37:38
And I have to tell you that Lupe loved00:37:42
cake more than anything in the world.00:37:45
You don't know how many birthday parties00:37:47
were ruined because also she would like00:37:49
get on the counter, go up, open, she'd00:37:52
find the cake. And I said, "Oh my god,00:37:54
this sounds like a cake." I look I I I00:37:58
look like I look like hell. I have00:38:00
running mascara from some crying seeing00:38:02
her like this bermudas like re flip00:38:05
flops. Like really you want to you00:38:07
wouldn't want to run into me like that.00:38:09
And um and there's a beautiful wedding00:38:13
people. I'm sure everybody flew. And00:38:15
what do I see behind a palm tree where00:38:18
I'm hiding?00:38:20
I see the beautiful wedding cake.00:38:23
in a little table with two chairs for00:38:25
the bride and the groom. Instead of the00:38:26
bride and the groom, there is Lupe and00:38:28
Angie00:38:31
seating perfectly and everybody's trying00:38:35
to get the dogs and they really are not00:38:38
mean dogs, but they were faking it00:38:39
really well. This what they would do.00:38:42
They'd like00:38:44
eat as fast as they could and THEN THEY00:38:45
WOULD GO [screaming]00:38:47
FULL of mering. full of mering all over00:38:50
white and they ble00:38:55
[laughter] oh my god and they're all00:38:56
screaming that the the bride is crying00:38:59
the good news is that I have this00:39:01
[screaming] I have all kinds of whistles00:39:03
for the dogs and they know that when I00:39:07
whistle in certain ways they better come00:39:09
right away00:39:10
>> and of course they went like in a00:39:12
cartoon and they ran all the way they00:39:15
ran all the way to the the little cabana00:39:18
And and I was I arrived later and and00:39:21
they're going like this.00:39:22
>> Oh no.00:39:23
>> I have so many stories with my dogs. I'm00:39:26
glad I took them.00:39:27
>> Yeah. >> And and those are the ones you rescued00:39:29
off the street.00:39:30
>> They are all except for one that's a00:39:33
gift and the one that just passed away00:39:35
that I rescued from an abusive mo movie00:39:39
trainer.00:39:40
>> They're all from the streets in00:39:41
different countries. Never from a00:39:43
shelter. Always.00:39:44
>> Good for you. Good for you. That's00:39:45
[applause] amazing. I love that you do00:39:47
that.00:39:49
I think00:39:51
I think it's also important because you00:39:53
have a daughter. I think it's important00:39:54
for kids to grow up with animals so they00:39:57
understand and it helps them be gentle00:39:59
with animals. How old is your daughter00:40:01
now? >> She's nine.00:40:02
>> Nine. Wow. I think she was tiny when she00:40:05
was here the la last time.00:40:08
>> Yeah. But that was four years ago.00:40:09
>> I know. So she's What is she into?00:40:12
>> Oh, she's into the slime craze.00:40:14
>> I don't know what that means. It's like00:40:16
a very humongous booger, soft booger00:40:21
[laughter]00:40:22
that they they make and they play with00:40:24
it and they make it with glitter and00:40:26
colors and she's obsessed. She knows how00:40:28
to make them and it's like getting out00:40:30
of control. And then she started selling00:40:32
it at school00:40:35
and and we're having dinner with my00:40:36
husband and I said, "Valentina, why? I00:40:39
don't want you selling selling it at00:40:41
school. This is not right. You can give00:40:43
it away to your friends if you don't00:40:45
don't go to school to sell. I mean,00:40:46
you're not. Right. Right, Franis. And he00:40:49
goes, "Right. How much do you sell them00:40:51
for?" [laughter]00:40:53
I I kid you not. And she goes, "Uh, two00:40:55
pounds." Two pounds? Yes. Uh, what are00:40:58
the ingredients and how much each one of00:41:00
them cost? And how much do you put in00:41:02
it? And I couldn't believe. I said,00:41:04
"You're not do you're not doing what I00:41:06
think. You're undercharging." Yeah.00:41:09
>> You're over there charging because the00:41:11
investment is bigger and you don't have00:41:13
any profit. And she goes, "I have profit00:41:15
because I don't pay for the materials.00:41:17
You pay for I take my" And I said, "No,00:41:20
no, no. This has got to stop." And he00:41:22
goes, "We're practicing math." Wow.00:41:25
That's amazing. Well, it's good because00:41:26
y'all are hurting for money, so it's00:41:28
good that she's making some money for00:41:29
you. We're back with Jamie Fox. I mean,00:41:32
really, your your voice is so00:41:34
incredible. You're so talented in so00:41:36
many ways. You do impressions and you're00:41:38
doing a a movie. You're playing Mike00:41:39
Tyson. Is that right?00:41:40
>> Playing Mike Tyson.00:41:41
>> Wow. That's going to be amazing.00:41:42
>> Yeah. [applause]00:41:43
And and and what's what's interesting00:41:45
about Mike Ty I met Mike Tyson when I00:41:47
was 21. You know, we all doing a standup00:41:50
comedy at that time. And I was burning.00:41:51
Oh, I was burning LA down. I was like00:41:54
the hottest comic coming through. And I00:41:56
get to my Mike Tyson joke and we in the00:41:58
hood at this hood club. I get my Mike00:42:00
Tyson joke. I'm about to kill it. And00:42:01
it's complete silence because Mike Tyson00:42:04
is in the audience.00:42:06
And this back at the time when Mike is00:42:08
knocking people out for having on the00:42:09
wrong shirt, you know, and so I'm no00:42:13
one's laughing. And then a dude who I00:42:14
still know to this day yelled out from00:42:15
the back, "Uh, Mike Tyson's in here."00:42:18
[laughter]00:42:19
Sure. And everybody And then some black00:42:21
girls in the front talking about, "What00:42:22
you going to do, Jamie?00:42:25
You going to tell the joke? You going to00:42:26
tell your little joke now, Jamie?" I'm00:42:28
like, "Don't get him upset." You know,00:42:29
I'm just trying to think. So then the00:42:31
dude said, "Mike said, do the joke and00:42:34
it better be funny." I'm like, "Oh,00:42:35
snap." So, I do the joke. I do the joke.00:42:37
The joke was funny. I get a standing00:42:39
ovation. All of a sudden, Mike Tyson00:42:40
runs up to him. How you you're so funny.00:42:42
You're crazy. Come here. I want to hang00:42:43
out with you. You're crazy. I want to00:42:45
hang out. I want to hang out with you.00:42:46
You're funny. Come on. Come on. And I00:42:48
started hanging out with Mike Tyson at a00:42:50
time where he was bigger than life. So,00:42:53
I didn't know that I was preparing at00:42:55
that time by watching him. And I watched00:42:57
him all the way up. I watched the demise00:43:00
when he went through all of the bad00:43:01
things. And then I watched him when he00:43:02
got out of jail and came to Vegas. I was00:43:05
actually living living in Vegas cuz I00:43:06
had ran out of money. And uh uh00:43:11
and uh when he when he when he fought in00:43:14
Vegas, it was 350,000 people in the city00:43:16
with no tickets and no place to stay.00:43:18
When I went and women came to to stay at00:43:21
my house because they wanted to see Mike00:43:23
Tyson. He had this pull like it was00:43:26
corporate women, you know, like00:43:27
beautiful corporate. I said, "What is it00:43:28
about Mike Tyson that you like so much?"00:43:30
And she's getting ready. She said,00:43:31
"Jamie, is there something about a man00:43:33
who ain't got no shirt on and no socks00:43:35
and he could beat up everybody in the00:43:36
world?" And I was like, "Rock." And when00:43:38
we went to the afterparty, it was at his00:43:40
house and everybody was there. Stevie00:43:42
Wonder was there playing the piano and00:43:44
and he didn't like a um what's the thong00:43:47
song guy?00:43:49
>> For some reason, he didn't like get away00:43:50
from me, thong song. I was like, "Oh, I00:43:53
don't like that thong song." I was like,00:43:54
"Hey man, you better stand over here.00:43:55
You don't like that." And uh uh I00:43:57
watched the girl ask him to to take a00:44:00
picture. Would you take a picture? AND00:44:02
HE SAID, "GET AWAY FROM ME. You don't00:44:03
want ME TO TAKE A TAKE A PICTURE. YOU00:44:04
WANT TO PUT ME back in jail." And it00:44:06
really got serious. And everybody was00:44:07
like, "Whoa, get away from me. YOU WANT00:44:10
TO PUT ME IN JAIL?" And and the security00:44:11
guards like, "Yo, Mike, Mike, Mike, hold00:44:13
on, Mike. Mike." And even Stevie Wonder00:44:15
was like, "What? What is00:44:19
[cheering]00:44:20
[applause]00:44:23
Steve? Ste I I was like I was like00:44:27
Stevie, sit down. You don't want to00:44:28
catch a a right or something. Just00:44:30
what's going on? Don't worry about it,00:44:31
Stevie. Just Just00:44:35
calm down, [laughter] Stevie. Calm down,00:44:37
Stevie.00:44:39
>> Cuz you know, he wanted to flee. He just00:44:40
heard something. He's you know, his ears00:44:42
his ears are very sensitive. [laughter]00:44:47
>> I'm sorry.00:44:49
>> [laughter]00:44:51
>> So so00:44:53
anyway, his his play sister comes from00:44:55
out of the kitchen and calms him down.00:44:57
And I watched that as a moment leading00:45:00
all the way up to now today when we when00:45:02
we talked about doing the movie and00:45:04
Terry Winter who wrote uh Boardwalk00:45:07
Empire, uh Martin Scorsesei who hasn't00:45:10
uh directed a movie about boxing since00:45:12
Raging Bull will direct it. And when I00:45:15
went to meet with Mike, it's a different00:45:17
mic, which is the mic I think we'll00:45:18
really really focus on. I went to his00:45:22
house, different modest, no lions, no00:45:25
tigers in cages.00:45:27
And I said, "Mike, how are you?" And00:45:28
he's This is the This is the This is00:45:31
Mike, not the impersonation. All praises00:45:33
to Allah, my brother. I'm happy. So, why00:45:36
you happy? Because I don't I don't have00:45:37
any money anymore. So, nobody can take00:45:38
anything from me anymore. I'm happy. I'm00:45:40
more I'm I'm I'm at peace with myself.00:45:42
there no vultures, no crazy people00:45:44
around me. I said, "That's the movie."00:45:46
And then when you saw him interact with00:45:48
his daughter, every time she was outside00:45:51
playing, he says, "Be somewhere I can00:45:52
see you. I don't want to be able to have00:45:53
to look out there and not see you. Don't00:45:54
make me mad because I want to be able to00:45:56
see you. I don't want anything to happen00:45:57
to you." Because he lost his daughter.00:45:59
So, all of those things is going to make00:46:01
this movie, I think, one of the most00:46:03
exciting things that I've00:46:04
>> Yeah. What a life. It's going to be00:46:06
amazing. You'll be amazing. [applause]00:46:08
>> You're great. They're happy to see you.00:46:11
>> Everything. Yeah. That's good.00:46:13
>> Yeah. >> How [cheering] you been?00:46:14
>> I'm good. How have you been?00:46:16
>> I'm always good. I'm happy.00:46:18
>> I've been seeing you for a while. I sent00:46:19
you some gifts when you started your uh00:46:21
you moved your talk show here from00:46:22
Chicago to uh Universal, right?00:46:25
>> Yeah. >> Yeah. And I sent you some gifts.00:46:27
>> You always do.00:46:28
>> Well, you you had a big desk. Yeah. Do00:46:30
you think it's big?00:46:32
>> Uh not for me.00:46:33
>> Uhhuh.00:46:34
>> Uh00:46:35
>> that's that was that was her gift.00:46:37
>> Yeah.00:46:38
>> The giant pencils and the cup holder.00:46:40
>> Yeah.00:46:41
and the stapler.00:46:43
>> Well, but look at that picture of you at00:46:44
the desk. It looks like you're waiting00:46:46
for a panel to arrive and you're the00:46:47
first one there,00:46:50
[laughter]00:46:51
>> doesn't it?00:46:52
>> I thought it was nice. We don't even use00:46:54
the desk anymore.00:46:55
>> I know. I know. Cuz you realize how00:46:57
silly that was. [laughter]00:46:59
>> I bought you something. Since you're00:47:01
always bringing me stuff, I bought you00:47:03
something. Yeah. And that's a logo.00:47:05
That's the show you should be watching00:47:06
right before she come on.00:47:07
>> Yeah. Yeah.00:47:08
>> We're partners. your show than my show.00:47:10
>> You're going to love this.00:47:12
>> Oh, I hope so.00:47:13
>> Yeah, you will.00:47:15
>> Is it money? >> Yeah. I wouldn't even tell your00:47:17
producers.00:47:19
>> Oh, look at leather pants.00:47:21
>> No, no, no, no,00:47:23
>> no, no, no, no. >> Are they pleather?00:47:24
>> No, they're vegan leather.00:47:26
>> So pleather?00:47:27
>> Yeah, they're vegan leather.00:47:28
>> Yes.00:47:29
>> Yeah.00:47:30
>> Look at that. >> So So you can Hey, you can put them on00:47:34
and get them ate off. [cheering]00:47:40
I don't know what that means. You don't00:47:42
understand what vegan leather means. It00:47:44
doesn't mean you can eat it. It just00:47:45
means it's not made from a cow.00:47:47
>> That's why you can eat it.00:47:49
>> No.00:47:50
>> Cuz you a vegan.00:47:52
>> No. No. It doesn't mean you can eat the00:47:55
pants. It just means that they're not00:47:57
made from uh Thank you. Thank you.00:48:01
>> You can't You can't eat them.00:48:04
>> Yeah. [cheering] That's what that means,00:48:05
Ellie.00:48:06
>> It doesn't mean that. That's what it00:48:07
means. Don't worry about that.00:48:08
>> It's You don't worry about it.00:48:10
>> Try it. >> I'm going to look at it.00:48:12
>> Just be delicious.00:48:13
>> You eat it.00:48:14
>> I'm a I don't I'm not a vegan.00:48:16
>> It doesn't matter.00:48:18
>> If they were leather pants, I t them.00:48:20
>> You'd eat them?00:48:21
>> Yeah.00:48:22
>> I'm going to give them to Porsha. I bet00:48:23
she would love these.00:48:25
>> That's what Now you see what I'm getting00:48:27
at.00:48:30
>> YEAH. [cheering]00:48:36
>> [cheering]00:48:37
[applause]00:48:38
>> I've been tr This is 5 years I've been00:48:40
trying to get this woman.00:48:42
>> She gets me all the time. I just got00:48:44
her.00:48:45
>> No.00:48:46
>> And you fell right into it. You said,00:48:48
"I'm going to give them to Porsha. Now00:48:50
we talking." Bam.00:48:52
>> Bam. [laughter]00:48:55
>> Well, I'm so happy to see you. Thank you00:48:56
for my gift and uh congratulations on00:48:58
the show. You got picked up for another00:48:59
season. You got an Emmy nomination. All00:49:02
going good. All00:49:03
>> going pretty good, man.00:49:04
>> Yeah. It's going [applause] pretty good.00:49:06
>> Yeah. You're having fun.00:49:09
>> Yeah. Life is good.00:49:10
>> Yeah.00:49:12
>> Grandkids now.00:49:13
>> Yeah. You have how many now?00:49:14
>> We got four now and one on the way.00:49:17
>> Wow.00:49:18
>> So, we got two boys, two girls. It's a00:49:20
tiebreaker coming. >> Uh-huh. And you don't know what it is00:49:22
yet? >> No, not yet.00:49:23
>> All right. Four grandkids.00:49:25
>> Four grandkids. And my wife Marjorie is00:49:27
all in. She's all in. This na na papa00:49:30
thing is big for her. She's na na. She00:49:33
>> right. I figured that. Cool name.00:49:35
>> Yeah. It'd be weird for her to be Papa00:49:36
and you be na.00:49:38
>> Yeah. I don't want to be Papa though. I00:49:39
wanted to What do you want to be?00:49:40
>> I want to be called Big Pimping.00:49:44
>> Is it too late? How old are they?00:49:46
>> Well, I can't. She told me my00:49:47
granddaughters can't call me big00:49:48
pimping.00:49:49
>> No.00:49:50
>> No. But she's all Let me tell you how00:49:51
crazy my wife is.00:49:53
>> She's Oh, these two right here. She's00:49:56
into everything. Halloween at our house,00:49:59
you know. I just thought Halloween was00:50:01
just candy.00:50:02
>> You just get the kids candy. That's all00:50:04
we had, just candy. She throws a thing00:50:08
in the backyard, a carnival. We have00:50:10
cotton candy machines making the apples00:50:14
machines. We got a petting zoo and a and00:50:17
a and a teepee.00:50:20
A 16 foot high tepee.00:50:22
>> Wow.00:50:23
>> And so, you know, the kids are loving00:50:24
it. So, the next day is Wednesday cuz00:50:26
Halloween was on a Tuesday. So, next day00:50:28
is Wednesday. So, I'm off on Wednesdays.00:50:30
I'm out at the pool smoking a cigar. I'm00:50:33
having a good time. All of a sudden, the00:50:36
four grandkids are on the other side of00:50:38
the house just screaming, "THEY00:50:42
[screaming]00:50:43
TAKING THE TEEPEE. THEY TAKING THE00:50:46
TEEPEE." THE MAN HAD come over to remove00:50:49
the teepee in the petting zoo. These00:50:51
kids mouths WERE SO WIDE LIKE CHARLIE00:50:55
BROWN. YOU CAN SEE THAT LITTLE dangling00:50:57
in the bracket. THEY [screaming]00:51:02
And so I GO OVER THERE AND I'M PANICKING00:51:04
CUZ PAPA THEY TAKING THE TEEPEE. SO I00:51:06
SAID, "HO HO." I SAID, "SIR, SIR, stop00:51:08
taking the tepee down in front of the00:51:10
kids. Look at these kids." Sir, I have00:51:13
to remove the tepee. It's my job. I00:51:14
don't give a damn what your job is. You00:51:16
see these kids tripping?00:51:18
>> Yeah. >> Take the tepee down. Just go do00:51:20
something else and leave the tepee00:51:22
alone. So he said, "Okay, sir." So I got00:51:24
him calmed down. I go back to my cigar00:51:27
in the pool. Hour and a half later.00:51:30
[screaming]00:51:31
THEY TAKING THE TEPEE. SO I PANIC. I00:51:35
THROW THE CIGAR IN THE POOL,00:51:38
which is not a good idea cuz it don't00:51:40
look like a cigar when it's in the pool.00:51:42
It's in there doing some other stuff.00:51:45
And I go around THERE AND THEY JUST THEY00:51:47
TAKING A TEEPEE. I SAID, "SIR, SIR, YOU00:51:49
GOT TO stop taking this teepee down in00:51:51
front of this." Sir, I'm done. I have to00:51:53
go. I said, "Okay,00:51:56
man. Well, how much is the TP?"00:51:59
The dude said, "The TP is $8500."00:52:04
I said, "What kind of damn TP?" SO, THEY00:52:09
[screaming] TAKING A TP. SHUT UP FOR A00:52:11
MINUTE. LET ME TALK. THEY TAKING A T.00:52:14
SO, I BOUGHT THE TEPEE.00:52:16
>> YEP.00:52:18
[applause]00:52:19
>> The Tepee is in our yard. Uh-huh.00:52:22
>> I had to move it over. Oh, you got a00:52:25
picture of it. Oh, really? It's 16 ft00:52:27
high, folks. You can. So, it's in the00:52:29
backyard. So, recently, little Rose00:52:31
comes over. She She can talk pretty00:52:33
good. And like she's a little she's a00:52:35
girl. So, she's a little She tells00:52:38
everything. And I was trying to get her00:52:40
not and she go back, "Nah, I TP smell00:52:44
like papa cigars." And so, I can't00:52:47
believe she's telling this. And so my00:52:49
wife goes, "Steve, why does the teepee00:52:52
smell like cigars?" I say, "Cuz it's00:52:55
$8,500."00:52:57
And when they not here, it's not a00:52:59
teepee. It's a cigar lounge.00:53:01
>> I said, "Yeah, [applause]00:53:04
>> that's fair. >> It's a nice place."00:53:06
>> It's fair.00:53:07
>> Smoke go straight up. It's really nice.00:53:09
>> I bet it's nice in there. Yeah,00:53:10
>> it's nice.00:53:11
>> I bet it's real nice and smoky in there00:53:13
when you're by yourself.00:53:14
>> It's so nice.Description:
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