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00:00:00
Before we jump into the chaos, don't00:00:02
forget to hit subscribe so you never00:00:04
miss the next adventure. The species00:00:06
verification scanner had been operating00:00:08
flawlessly for 600 cycles until Brett00:00:11
stepped into it and the machine00:00:13
experienced what could only be described00:00:15
as a mechanical panic attack lights00:00:17
flashing, sirens wailing, and a print00:00:20
out that simply read, "What is this00:00:22
thing?" followed by, "Seriously, what?"00:00:25
Followed by, "Evacuate sector00:00:28
immediately." Brett stood there in his00:00:30
cargo shorts and tourist shirt, watching00:00:33
smoke curl up from the scanner housing00:00:35
while six security officers materialized00:00:37
from nowhere with weapons that hummed in00:00:40
a way that suggested they were very much00:00:41
charged and ready. A seventh officer was00:00:44
screaming into a communicator about00:00:46
containment protocols and biocurity00:00:48
measures and something about calling in00:00:50
specialists from three sectors away.00:00:53
Uh," Brett said, raising his hands00:00:55
slowly because the weapons were now00:00:57
pointed directly at his face. "Is this00:01:00
about the carry-on?" Because I checked00:01:02
the prohibited items list twice. The00:01:05
scanner behind him made a grinding noise00:01:07
and spat out another print out. This one00:01:10
just said, "Help in block letters."00:01:12
Hyendo Yocks arrived approximately 3000:01:15
seconds later, moving fast enough that00:01:17
her official commander's coat was still00:01:19
settling around her shoulders when she00:01:21
skidded to a stop in front of checkpoint00:01:23
9. She was breathing hard, her face00:01:26
markings flushed dark with adrenaline,00:01:28
and her hand was already on her sidearm00:01:30
before she actually looked at what had00:01:32
triggered the stationwide alert. She00:01:34
stopped, stared, looked at Brett, looked00:01:37
at the smoking scanner, looked at Brett00:01:39
again. This is the Krillian dread beast?00:01:42
She asked, her voice dangerously flat.00:01:45
Ma'am, the scanner identified it as an00:01:47
apex level threat, one of the security00:01:50
officers said, not lowering his weapon.00:01:53
Protocol requires. I can see what00:01:55
protocol requires. Hyrend snapped. She00:01:59
walked closer to Brett, studying him00:02:01
with the intensity of someone trying to00:02:03
identify a bomb by looking at it really00:02:05
hard. What species are you? human,"00:02:08
Brett said, reaching slowly for his00:02:10
passport. "From Earth, I have my travel00:02:13
documentation. If you want to, don't00:02:15
move," three officers said00:02:17
simultaneously. Brett froze with his00:02:19
hand halfway to his pocket. Hyend00:02:22
snatched the passport from his pocket00:02:24
herself, scanned it, frowned at the00:02:26
readout, then looked at Brett with an00:02:29
expression that suggested her entire00:02:31
understanding of biology was currently00:02:33
being challenged. This says you're00:02:35
classified as a low threat gatherer00:02:37
species. Okay, Brett said because he00:02:40
genuinely had no idea what else to say.00:02:43
The scanner just attempted suicide00:02:46
rather than process you. That seems like00:02:48
a scanner problem. Behind them, the00:02:51
machine made one final whis and printed00:02:53
out a sheet that just read I quit before00:02:56
falling completely silent. Hendrenda Yok00:02:59
stared at the printout, then at Brett.00:03:02
Then she tapped her communicator. Get00:03:04
Halvexnner down here now and bring the00:03:08
full biological database. She turned00:03:11
back to Brett. You're coming with me.00:03:14
And before you ask, no, you cannot go to00:03:17
baggage claim. I really just want to get00:03:19
my luggage and find my hotel. Brett00:03:21
tried. Your luggage is now evidence and00:03:24
your hotel reservation is cancelled.00:03:26
Hired said already walking toward the00:03:29
security processing center. Move. Brett00:03:32
moved because arguing with someone00:03:34
holding a weapon seemed like a bad life00:03:36
choice. He was escorted through three00:03:39
checkpoints, past two very alarmed00:03:41
looking station workers, and into a00:03:43
processing room that looked00:03:44
uncomfortably like an interrogation00:03:46
chamber. Ive arrived moments later00:03:50
carrying a data pad and looking00:03:51
extremely irritated about having his00:03:53
shift interrupted. He took one look at00:03:55
Brett and his irritation shifted into00:03:57
confusion. This is what caused the00:03:59
biocurity alert apparently. Hired Yok00:04:02
said it's just standing there. I noticed00:04:06
it's not even doing anything00:04:07
threatening. Also noticed Brett raised00:04:11
his hand slightly. I can hear you.00:04:14
Halveser ignored him already pulling up00:04:17
files on his data pad. His eyes scanned00:04:20
the data narrowed then widened. He00:04:22
looked up at Brett with an expression00:04:24
that could only be described as deeply00:04:26
concerned fascination. According to00:04:28
this, your species is primarily00:04:30
herbivorous. I mean, I eat vegetables,00:04:33
Brett said. But I also eat other things00:04:37
such as meat. Halvix's nose fingers00:04:40
froze over his data pad. Very slowly,00:04:43
very carefully, he said. The file00:04:46
specifically indicates plant-based00:04:48
digestive systems. Whoever wrote that00:04:50
file never met an actual human, did00:04:52
they? Hyendra and Earhalexner exchanged00:04:56
a look that communicated several00:04:58
paragraphs worth of concern in complete00:05:00
silence. "Open your mouth," I helexner00:05:03
said suddenly. Brett blinked. "What?00:05:07
Your mouth? Open it. I need to verify00:05:10
something." Brett, assuming this was00:05:13
some kind of weird customs dental00:05:15
hygiene check, obliged, he opened his00:05:18
mouth wide enough for Ihal Vexner to get00:05:20
a clear view of his teeth. Ihalvexner00:05:23
went very still. His skin patterns00:05:25
flickered through three different colors00:05:27
in rapid succession. None of them good00:05:29
colors. "Those are canines," he said,00:05:32
his voice barely above a whisper.00:05:34
"Yeah," Brett said, still holding his00:05:36
mouth open and feeling incredibly00:05:38
stupid. Tearing teeth for meat00:05:41
consumption for hunting. I guess00:05:43
technically, yeah. Halvener looked at00:05:46
high render ys. The file says, "Low00:05:49
threat gatherer. I'm reading the same00:05:51
file you are. This specimen has00:05:54
forward-mounted predator dentition. I'm00:05:57
also reading that part now. Yes. Brett00:06:00
closed his mouth and waited for someone00:06:02
to explain what was happening because00:06:04
this had gone from weird to deeply weird00:06:07
and he was starting to suspect his00:06:09
vacation was going to be delayed00:06:10
significantly. Hyenda Ys ran another00:06:13
scan, this time focusing on Brett's jaw00:06:15
structure. The scanner beeped, displayed00:06:18
results, and then made a sound that00:06:20
might have been mechanical distress. She00:06:22
read the output, and her face markings00:06:25
went pale. His bite force is rated00:06:28
higher than a cric's enforcer. That's00:06:30
not possible for a gatherer species. The00:06:33
scanner disagrees with you. Then the00:06:35
classification file is wrong. They both00:06:38
turn to stare at Brett like he'd00:06:40
personally betrayed them. I'm just a guy00:06:43
trying to catch a connecting shuttle,00:06:44
Brett said weakly. Exclare entered the00:06:47
room at that moment, took one look at00:06:49
the tension levels, and immediately00:06:51
asked what he'd missed. Harend Ys00:06:54
gestured wordlessly at Brett. Exclare00:06:57
studied him for approximately 5 seconds00:06:59
before his whole body went rigid. "Why00:07:02
are his eyes mounted on the front of his00:07:04
skull?" Exxel Vulmare asked, his voice00:07:07
very controlled in a way that suggested00:07:08
he was actively trying not to panic.00:07:11
Brett had no answer for that.00:07:13
Forward-facing eyes indicate depth00:07:15
perception for pursuit hunting. Ixelvare00:07:18
continued, speaking slowly like he was00:07:20
explaining something to a child. Prey00:07:23
species have panoramic vision.00:07:25
Sidemounted eyes for threat detection. A00:07:27
very long silence followed this00:07:30
statement. Brett processed what Exxel00:07:32
Vulmer was implying, turned the thought00:07:34
over in his mind a few times, and then00:07:36
laughed. Not because it was funny, but00:07:39
because the alternative was screaming.00:07:40
"Wait, hold on. You people thought00:07:43
humans were prey animals?" Nobody00:07:45
answered. "You seriously looked at us00:07:48
and thought we were prey." Hyend pulled00:07:51
up an image database on the main screen.00:07:53
She scrolled through pictures of Earth00:07:55
animals, stopping on wolves, then big00:07:58
cats, then hawks. She highlighted each00:08:00
one. These are predators, correct? Yes.00:08:04
Note the eye position. All forward-00:08:07
facing. Brett looked at the screen,00:08:10
looked at the animals, looked at where00:08:12
their eyes were positioned, then very00:08:14
slowly looked back at the three aliens00:08:16
staring at him. "Oh," he said,00:08:19
understanding finally clicking into00:08:21
place. "Oh no. Oh yes," Hyend said00:08:25
grimly. The scanner in the corner made00:08:27
one last defeated beep and died00:08:29
completely. Halves nurse set his data00:08:32
pad down very carefully and asked the00:08:34
question that was clearly bothering all00:08:36
of them. If your species has predator00:08:38
anatomy, forward- facing eyes, and00:08:40
tearing teeth, why does your00:08:42
classification file show assessment data00:08:45
from someone who only consumes plants00:08:47
and spends recreation time meditating?00:08:49
Brett opened his mouth to answer, closed00:08:52
it, thought about it, and then started00:08:55
laughing again because the universe was00:08:57
apparently run by the most incompetent00:08:59
bureaucracy imaginable, and he was stuck00:09:01
in a processing room explaining basic00:09:03
human biology to aliens who'd somehow00:09:05
approved Earth for of galactic00:09:07
membership without asking basic00:09:09
questions like, "So, what do your teeth00:09:11
do?" or "Why are your eyes like that?"00:09:14
This was going to be a very long00:09:16
stopover. Hendrenda Y stared at her data00:09:19
pad like it had personally betrayed her.00:09:21
The original contact report was filed00:09:23
based on a single meeting with one human00:09:26
representative. "Okay," Brett said from00:09:28
his seat in the interrogation room. "One00:09:31
representative for an entire species,"00:09:34
Yhalexno was reading the file with00:09:36
growing horror. The human identified00:09:38
herself as Claudia, occupation, wellness00:09:42
consultant, and spiritual guide. Brett00:09:44
made a noise somewhere between a laugh00:09:46
and a whimper. The dietary assessment is00:09:49
based on her personal practice of00:09:51
plantpowered nutrition for ethical00:09:53
enlightenment. Halveexner continued, his00:09:56
voice getting flatter. Behavioral00:09:58
section mentions peaceful coexistence00:10:00
and mindful breathing techniques. Oh no,00:10:03
Brett said your entire species was00:10:05
classified based on someone who attends00:10:07
meditation retreats. Hendrenda Yok said.00:10:11
Claudia is really nice though. I don't00:10:13
care if she radiates pure light. She00:10:16
convinced the integration office that00:10:17
all humans are like her. Exelv choked00:10:20
while reading over IHalvex's shoulder.00:10:23
She describes human conflict resolution00:10:25
as centering exercises and compassionate00:10:28
dialogue circles. Brett put his face in00:10:31
his hands. I assume this is not00:10:33
representative. Hired said with00:10:36
dangerous cord. Calm. Claudia means00:10:39
well. She's very committed to her00:10:41
lifestyle. But yeah, maybe not the best00:10:44
representative for a species assessment.00:10:46
What percentage shares her approach?00:10:49
Brett thought about it. 2%. Three if you00:10:52
count people doing it for the aesthetic.00:10:55
The room went quiet. 2%. Hendrenda. Y00:10:58
repeated. Give or take. And the other00:11:02
98%00:11:04
more complicated.00:11:05
Halvexner sat down his data pad00:11:08
carefully. I'm asking you the same00:11:10
questions we asked Claudia. Answer00:11:12
honestly. Okay. Does your species engage00:11:14
in pursuit hunting? Historically, yes.00:11:18
We're persistence hunters. We follow00:11:20
prey until it collapses from exhaustion.00:11:23
All three aliens stared. Claudia said,00:11:26
and I quote, "We prefer gathering." Ive00:11:30
said faintly. "Yeah." Claudia wouldn't00:11:33
hurt anything, but she's not everyone.00:11:36
Response to territorial threats depends.00:11:39
We try talking first. If that fails, we00:11:42
escalate until the problem's solved.00:11:44
Escalate how? However necessary. Humans00:11:47
are pretty good at violence when needed.00:11:49
Exovma's hand shook, making notes.00:11:52
Claudia's answer was compassionate00:11:54
dialogue and mutual understanding,00:11:56
Halvexner said hollowly. That's very00:11:59
Claudia, Brett agreed. Primary diet.00:12:03
Omniverous. We eat everything. Meat,00:12:05
plants, fungi, grains. If it won't kill00:12:08
us, we've probably turned it into a00:12:10
meal. Claudia said plant-based only.00:12:13
Claudia's vegan. Personal choice, not a00:12:16
species thing. Hyend looked at the00:12:19
others. They all shared the same00:12:21
expression of dawning horror. So, we00:12:23
granted galactic membership based on00:12:26
information from someone representing 2%00:12:28
of your population. Hired said, "Sounds00:12:31
right." Brett said. Nobody verified00:12:34
this. Apparently not. Ixelvare pulled up00:12:38
new files. We need to discuss your00:12:40
domesticated animals. Pets. We assumed00:12:44
small harmless creatures. Brett felt the00:12:47
conversation entering dangerous00:12:48
territory. And Exelv displayed an image00:12:52
of a large dog. This is classified as a00:12:55
pet. Yes, this creature descended from00:12:58
pack hunting carnivores. Yeah, dogs00:13:00
evolved from wolves. We domesticated00:13:03
them a long time ago. You domesticated00:13:05
apex predators. When you say it like00:13:08
that, it sounds weird. Hendrenda. Yocks00:13:11
zoomed on the dog's teeth. These jaws00:13:13
could crush bone. Probably, but they00:13:16
don't. They're friendly. Why voluntarily00:13:19
live with something that could harm you?00:13:21
Brett looked at the picture, then at00:13:23
three aliens staring like he'd admitted00:13:25
to juggling explosives. Because they're00:13:28
good companions. They're loyal and they00:13:31
like belly rubs. Belly rubs. Ahexnner00:13:34
repeated. You scratch their stomach and00:13:37
they get happy. You approach an animal00:13:39
with predator dentition and touch its00:13:41
vulnerable areas. Yes. And it doesn't00:13:44
attack. Why would it? It's a pet. Exavma00:13:48
showed another image. A cat. What about00:13:50
this? Cat. Also a pet. It has00:13:54
retractable claws and hunting instincts.00:13:57
Yeah, cats are predators. That's why00:13:59
they catch mice. You keep predators in00:14:02
living spaces to catch other animals.00:14:04
Some people do, others just like having00:14:07
cats because they're cute. Hyrenda Yok00:14:10
scrolled to a python. What is this?00:14:13
Brett looked snake. Someone's pet. That00:14:16
is a constrictor. Yeah, that kills prey00:14:20
by suffocation in the wild. And humans00:14:23
keep them as pets. Some humans. Yeah.00:14:26
Why? They think they're interesting.00:14:28
Hyenda Yock set her data pad down with00:14:31
careful precision. Humans form emotional00:14:33
bonds with predatory species despite00:14:36
obvious danger. They're not dangerous if00:14:38
treated right. How? Feed them, give00:14:41
attention, keep them healthy, basic00:14:44
care, and in exchange the predators00:14:46
don't kill you. I wouldn't phrase it00:14:48
like that, but sure. Ive made frantic00:14:52
notes. Pack bonding extends to non-human00:14:55
species. forms attachments with00:14:57
creatures possessing lethal00:14:59
capabilities.00:15:00
I guess your species befriends danger.00:15:03
Exelva said, "You see something that00:15:06
could harm you and make it family. When00:15:08
you say it like that, it sounds00:15:10
concerning. It is concerning." Hyend00:15:14
said, "Everything is concerning. Your00:15:16
diet, your eyes, your relationship with00:15:19
predators." And we approved this based00:15:21
on one interview with someone who thinks00:15:23
conflict resolves through breathing00:15:25
exercises. The door slid open. Alberta00:15:28
walked in carrying a battered travel bag00:15:31
and wearing serious hiking boots. Her00:15:34
hair was pulled back and she had the tan00:15:36
of someone who spent extended time in00:15:38
harsh conditions. Hey Brett, she said00:15:41
cheerfully. Station directory said you00:15:43
were in processing. Did you do something00:15:45
weird? Scanner exploded when I walked00:15:48
through. Oh, that happened to me in00:15:50
sector 6 last cycle. Did they figure out00:15:52
why? Still working on it. Alberta turned00:15:56
to the aliens staring at her like she00:15:58
was the harbinger of more problems.00:16:01
Sorry to interrupt. When's the next00:16:03
transport to volcanic research stations?00:16:06
Hendrendox's eye twitched. Volcanic00:16:08
research stations. Yeah, there's00:16:11
interesting seismic activity happening.00:16:14
My scanner said, "Elevated geological00:16:16
instability, which is perfect timing."00:16:19
"Perfect timing," Hyendrens repeated00:16:22
slowly. "The ground is actively trying00:16:24
to explode, and you consider that00:16:26
perfectnner00:16:28
said." Alberta looked confused. "Well,00:16:32
yeah, that's when you get the best data.00:16:34
Why would I go when nothing's00:16:35
happening?" The three aliens looked at00:16:37
each other with expressions00:16:39
communicating a single unified thought.00:16:41
"What have we done?" Alberta set her bag00:16:44
down and pulled out a data pad. The00:16:46
volcanic zone has active lava flows and00:16:49
thermal vents. Should be beautiful this00:16:51
time of cycle. Hyenda Ys looked at the00:16:54
screen like Alberta had shown her00:16:55
detailed suicide plans. That planet is00:16:58
listed as hazardous. Surface temperature00:17:01
fluctuates by 60°. I know. That's why I00:17:04
packed layers. Layers. I Halvexner00:17:07
repeated. Thermal gear for cold parts.00:17:10
Cooling vest for hot zones.00:17:13
Standard hiking equipment. Nothing about00:17:15
this is standard. Excel Vulma said.00:17:18
You're going to walk on a planet that00:17:20
could kill you. Hired said for00:17:22
recreation.00:17:23
Alberta looked genuinely confused. The00:17:26
danger zones are marked. I'm not00:17:29
standing directly on an active vent.00:17:31
That would be stupid. This entire plan00:17:33
is stupid. I've done way more dangerous00:17:36
hikes. The three aliens went still. More00:17:39
dangerous. Halvexner said carefully.00:17:42
Sure. Last cycle I did a high-gravity00:17:45
moon. Before that, underwater caves with00:17:48
limited oxygen. This volcano is pretty00:17:51
mild. Brett nodded. Alberta's got a00:17:54
whole channel. People watch her hike00:17:56
dangerous places. Other humans watch00:17:59
this. Hyendio said. Thousands of them.00:18:02
Alberta said proudly. Exelv pulled up00:18:05
something on his data pad. How long can00:18:07
humans maintain physical activity00:18:09
without rest? Depends on conditioning.00:18:12
Most humans can walk 8 to 10 hours00:18:14
without major issues. 10 hours? Excel00:18:18
Vulmmer said faintly. Sure. Why? My00:18:22
species requires rest after 90 minutes.00:18:25
Alberta blinked. 90 minutes? That's00:18:28
barely a warm-up. Warm up? Hyendrens00:18:32
repeated hollowly. The door opened.00:18:34
Bonnie and Lucian walked in carrying00:18:36
research equipment, looking tired but00:18:39
satisfied. Oh, hey Brett, Lucian said.00:18:42
You stuck in processing too. Scanner00:18:45
malfunction. Same happened to us, Bonnie00:18:48
said. Three scanners flagged us as00:18:50
hazards. Took an hour to clear. Hyrenend00:18:53
Ys looked like she was developing a00:18:55
stress disorder. Both of you triggered00:18:57
multiple scanners. Apparently, our00:18:59
biology reads as threatening. Lucian00:19:02
shrugged. Where are you returning from?00:19:04
Halvesa asked. Research expedition. We00:19:08
studied nocturnal predators. Studying00:19:11
how field observation. We camped in00:19:14
their territory and documented hunting00:19:16
behaviors. Exelva's hand froze. You00:19:20
camped in predator territory. That's00:19:22
where the predators are. Bonnie said00:19:24
reasonably. And you survived. Obviously.00:19:28
How? Lucian looked confused. Standard00:19:31
protocols. Made noise to avoid00:19:34
surprises. Secured applies. Kept watch00:19:37
at night. Basic stuff. You maintained00:19:39
watch against active predators. They00:19:42
weren't interested once they figured out00:19:43
we weren't prey. One juvenile observed00:19:46
our camp for three nights. Got amazing00:19:48
footage. The predator watched you. Hired00:19:52
said, "Curious thing. Probably never saw00:19:55
humans before. And you stayed. The data00:19:57
was incredible. Why would we leave?"00:20:00
Alberta leaned forward. Did you get00:20:02
close observations within 10 m on the00:20:05
last night? Bonnie said it killed prey00:20:08
right near our camp. Recorded the whole00:20:10
sequence. That's amazing. Alberta said00:20:14
Ys looked at the five humans and00:20:16
something in her expression suggested00:20:18
she was reconsidering every career00:20:20
choice. "You camped where active00:20:22
predators hunt," she said with forced00:20:24
calm. "And when one approached, you00:20:27
stayed to observe. The distance was00:20:29
safe." Lucian said, "Define safe. Far00:20:32
enough to retreat if it showed00:20:34
aggression. Close enough for clear00:20:36
documentation. How do you know what00:20:38
distance is safe? Experience mostly. You00:20:42
develop a sense for predator comfort00:20:44
zones. This implies you've done this00:20:46
multiple times. It's our field. We study00:20:50
dangerous animals in natural habitats.00:20:52
That's the job. Your job is positioning00:20:55
yourself near things that could kill00:20:57
you." When you phrase it like that, it00:20:59
sounds concerning.00:21:01
It is concerning. All three aliens said00:21:04
simultaneously.00:21:06
The door opened again. A cargo handler00:21:09
stuck his head in. Shipment flagged for00:21:12
biohazard. Owner is Alvin. Human00:21:15
designation. He here. That's my stuff. A00:21:19
voice called. Alvin walked in looking00:21:21
annoyed. I filed proper permits. What's00:21:25
the problem? Your container triggered00:21:27
every biological alert in cargo. It's00:21:30
just household items. Scanner detected00:21:33
something alive. Oh, that's probably my00:21:36
grandmother's plant. Hendrenda Ys closed00:21:39
her eyes. Why is there a living organism00:21:42
in your cargo? It's a gift from home.00:21:45
What kind of plant requires biohazard00:21:47
protocols? It's not a biohazard. It's00:21:50
just defensive. Defensive? How? Ixelvmer00:21:54
asked. It's got thorns and snaps at00:21:56
things that get too close. Great for00:21:58
keeping pests away. Your grandmother00:22:01
gave you an aggressive plant. She bred00:22:03
it herself. Really well behaved if you00:22:06
know how to handle it. If you know how00:22:08
to handle it, Halvexer repeated. Yeah.00:22:11
Don't stick fingers near the leaves when00:22:13
it's hungry. When it's hungry, it eats00:22:16
bugs mostly. Sometimes small rodents if00:22:19
they're really stupid. The handler00:22:22
cleared his throat. There's also00:22:23
chemical compounds flagged in the00:22:25
shipment. That's just fertilizer00:22:28
registered as industrial-grade corrosive00:22:31
material. Earth plants need strong00:22:33
nutrients. They evolved on a death00:22:36
world. Hired Y opened her eyes. Your00:22:39
plants require materials classified as00:22:41
industrial hazards only if you use them00:22:43
wrong. How does one use corrosive00:22:46
fertilizer correctly? Dilution ratios,00:22:49
proper application, basic safety00:22:51
equipment. It's not complicated. Brett00:22:54
raised his hand. Can I go now? My00:22:57
situation is the least weird thing here.00:23:00
No. Hired Yok said. Nobody leaves until00:23:03
we finish complete biological00:23:05
reclassification because every human we00:23:07
scan is a new variety of nightmare. That00:23:10
seems harsh. Lucian said you camped with00:23:13
predators for science. She's hiking an00:23:17
active volcano. Hendrenda Yoks pointed00:23:19
at Alberta for fun. He's importing a00:23:22
carnivorous plant for companionship and00:23:25
he triggered the scanner by existing.00:23:28
She pointed at Brett. Still not my00:23:30
fault, Brett said. Excel Vulmer pulled00:23:33
up Earth's data. Your planet has00:23:35
predators everywhere. Weather systems00:23:38
that destroy settlements, seismic00:23:40
activity that reshapes terrain,00:23:42
diseases. Your immune system fights00:23:45
constantly. Yeah, Earth's pretty rough.00:23:48
Bonnie agreed. How did your species00:23:50
survive to develop technology spite00:23:53
mostly Brett said and thumbs? Thumbs00:23:56
helped. This is impossible. Halvexner00:23:59
said we didn't thrive. Lucian corrected.00:24:02
We survived then got good at it. Then00:24:05
got bored and started doing it for00:24:07
entertainment. You turned survival into00:24:10
recreation. Some humans. Yeah. Alberta00:24:14
checked her data pad. My shuttle leaves00:24:16
in 2 hours. Can someone process my00:24:19
permits? Hyenda Ys looked at her fellow00:24:21
officers. Silent communication passed00:24:24
between them involving exhausted00:24:26
resignation. Process her permits, Hyend00:24:30
said quietly. Process all of them. Get00:24:33
me every human file. We're starting00:24:35
reclassification immediately. What00:24:38
should the new classification say? Exelv00:24:41
asked. Hyenda Ys looked at six humans,00:24:44
each one representing a different flavor00:24:46
of controlled insanity. Deathworld00:24:49
survivors with insufficient00:24:50
self-preservation instincts. Approach00:24:53
with caution and low expectations for00:24:55
reasonable behavior. That seems harsh,00:24:58
Alberta said. You're hiking a volcano.00:25:01
Fair point. Harenda Y stood before a00:25:04
display screen showing humanity's new00:25:06
classification. Exxel Vulmer and00:25:09
Halvexner flanked her. All three looking00:25:12
like they'd aged several cycles. The new00:25:15
classification, Harendi announced to the00:25:18
six humans. Species, human, origin,00:25:22
Earth, class 5, death world. Category,00:25:25
adaptive persistence, predator. Threat00:25:27
assessment, moderate to high depending00:25:30
on individual variance and hunger00:25:31
status. Hunger status. Brett asked. You00:25:35
mentioned humans get irritable when not00:25:37
fed. Ehexner said, "That's accurate,"00:25:41
Bonnie admitted. Distinguishing00:25:42
characteristics, Herrenox continued,00:25:45
"Forward-facing predator eyes,00:25:47
omnivorous dentition with tearing00:25:49
canines, extreme endurance, pack bonding00:25:53
with non-human species, and concerning00:25:55
lack of self-preservation instincts."00:25:58
"The last part feels targeted," Alberta00:26:01
said. "You're boarding a shuttle to an00:26:02
active geological disaster." Hendrenda00:26:05
Yok said flatly for science and personal00:26:07
enrichment. My point exactly. Exelva00:26:11
pulled up protocols. Recommendations.00:26:14
Approach with caution. Avoid sudden00:26:17
movements. Never corner unless00:26:19
necessary. Maintain food supplies. We00:26:23
sound terrifying. Lucian said, "You00:26:26
camped with predators for fun."00:26:28
Halvexnner said, "You are terrifying."00:26:31
Brett stood stretching. So, can I leave?00:26:34
I've been here 6 hours. You're cleared.00:26:37
Luggage is at claim area 12. Finally.00:26:41
Alberta checked her data pad. My shuttle00:26:44
boards in 30 minutes. Am I cleared? Yes.00:26:47
Try not to die on the volcano. No00:26:50
promises. Bonnie and Lucien gathered00:26:52
equipment. We're catching transport to00:26:55
Earth. Next expedition in two cycles.00:26:58
Where? Exmmer asked with dread. Deep00:27:01
ocean thermal vents. Of course, Exxel00:27:05
Vulma said weakly. Alvin headed out. I00:27:08
need my plant from quarantine. It bit00:27:11
three handlers, Hyendra Ys called. They00:27:14
shouldn't have gotten close, Alvin00:27:16
called back. As the humans left,00:27:18
Halvexner checked his data pad. Updated00:27:21
classification uploading now. Every00:27:24
station receives it within the hour. The00:27:26
database chimed. Completion. It's done.00:27:30
Ivexner said, "Humanity is properly00:27:33
classified. Thank the void." Harenda Yok00:27:36
said. Her communicator beeped. She00:27:39
looked at it. Her face cycled through00:27:41
confusion, disbelief, and exhausted00:27:44
resignation. "What?" "Xixulmer asked."00:27:47
"Report from sector 8. A human just00:27:49
checked in. Name: Claudia. Occupation00:27:53
wellness consultant. The one from the00:27:56
original assessment." Iravex said she's00:27:59
teaching. heated yoga, conducts sessions00:28:01
at temperatures fatal to most species,00:28:04
calls it therapeutic heat exposure,00:28:07
voluntary heat torture. Halveexner said,00:28:10
"Six alien students thought it was00:28:12
cultural exchange. They're all in00:28:14
medical, non-fatal, but most painful00:28:17
voluntary experience of their lives.00:28:20
Should we warn Sector 8?" "No, let them00:28:23
figure it out. We updated the database."00:28:26
Another chime. Ihalexner checked and00:28:28
choked. We're getting incident reports00:28:31
already. Already stations were holding00:28:34
human incidents waiting for00:28:36
classification.00:28:37
Now they're all submitting. He scrolled.00:28:40
Station 42 reports a human brought00:28:42
sourdough. Starter triggered biohazard00:28:46
protocols because it contains living00:28:48
bacteria. That's a food item, Hyendra00:28:51
Yok said tiredly. Station 68 reports a00:28:54
human asked where to find dangerous00:28:56
wildlife for pictures that tracks.00:28:59
Station 12 reports a human operates a00:29:02
food establishment serving capsaasin00:29:04
dishes. Multiple species required00:29:06
medical intervention. The human said, "I00:29:10
put spice warnings on the menu. Not my00:29:12
fault. Nobody takes them seriously."00:29:15
Hendrenda Yok sat down heavily. Reports00:29:17
keep coming. Exxel Vulmer said humans00:29:20
doing concerning things on half the00:29:22
major stations. How many humans are in00:29:25
the network? Halvexner checked.00:29:28
Approximately 8,000 registered 8,00000:29:31
death world predators and we called them00:29:34
harmless gatherers. Some probably are00:29:36
harmless. Excelare offered. 2% according00:29:40
to Brett, which means 7,800 others are.00:29:44
Her communicator beeped again. She00:29:47
looked. She closed her eyes. What now?00:29:50
Brett filed a complaint about his00:29:52
canceled reservation, asking if we00:29:54
compensate for wrongful detention. Did00:29:56
we wrongfully detain him? He walked00:29:58
through a scanner that caught fire00:30:00
trying to process his biology. So, no00:30:03
compensation. No compensation. Hyenda Y00:30:07
stood, straightened her uniform. I'm00:30:09
lowering my office temperature by 6°.00:30:12
Why? Exxelv asked. Humans find cold00:30:16
relaxing. If I'm spending my career00:30:18
dealing with this species, I might as00:30:20
well understand their baffling choices.00:30:23
That's terrible reasoning, Halvexner00:30:26
said. Add it to the file. Hyendradio00:30:29
said, heading for the door. Human00:30:31
behavior is apparently contagious. This00:30:33
was just one story. Subscribe now so you00:30:37
don't miss what's comingDescription:
Scanner Said "Apex Predator"—Human Asked, "Which Part of Me Gave It Away?" | HFY Story paced, comedic sci-fi tale exploring what happens when the galaxy finally learns the truth about humanity—and it isn’t what their records say. When Brett, an ordinary human tourist, walks through a galactic species scanner, the machine doesn’t just error out—it panics. Sirens erupt, lights explode, and a printout declares him an “Apex Predator.” What follows is pure HFY chaos as alien officers scramble to understand how a relaxed human in cargo shorts could possibly be the same kind of creature their database labelled a harmless “gatherer species.” This story dives deep into the hilarious misunderstandings caused by humanity’s first contact—based entirely on one vegan wellness instructor named Claudia. From forward-facing eyes to canine teeth to persistence-hunting history, every sentence Brett speaks makes the aliens more horrified. Soon, the entire station realizes their peaceful assumption about humans was catastrophically wrong… and the reclassification process begins. #HFY #SCIFI #scifistories
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