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Lavell Crawford

Lavell Crawford Stand-Up

This Is Not Happening

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00:00:02

[Music]

00:00:05

I tell you a story about me drowning.

00:00:08

Yes, I drowned. I I literally drowned

00:00:11

and you know and it's like wow that's

00:00:13

amazing you being so large and buoyant.

00:00:16

You how would you drown? Well, it was it

00:00:20

was when I was smaller if you can

00:00:22

believe it. I was a little younger. I

00:00:24

was a kid. I was in this day camp where

00:00:28

you know they my mom was free so she put

00:00:30

me in the daycare we up there with these

00:00:32

little stupid ass kids and our counselor

00:00:35

she was you know she she smoked weed she

00:00:38

was nasty and she didn't know what to do

00:00:40

with us when this this day camp was in a

00:00:43

uh you know predominately you know

00:00:45

suburb may I say you know like it is in

00:00:48

here more whites than blacks you know

00:00:51

and I used to live in the hood you know

00:00:53

and when I got around white people. A

00:00:55

lot of things that is different. White

00:00:58

people have seasoned passes to Six Flags

00:01:00

and they could go a bunch of times. But

00:01:04

the main thing was the white girl. That

00:01:07

threw me for a loop. I had never seen a

00:01:10

white girl before. I had never seen

00:01:12

nobody named Rebecca or Samantha

00:01:15

or Elizabeth,

00:01:18

you know. I I was around Lakeshas and

00:01:20

Shiras and Shakita, you know, that was

00:01:23

my girls. And when I seen Elizabeth,

00:01:26

man, oh my god, she was cute. She had

00:01:29

red hair and her cheeks were like rosy,

00:01:32

like a cartoon, like Charlie Brown. And

00:01:34

one thing a white girl could do that

00:01:36

just blew my mind, she could put her

00:01:39

hair behind her ear and that just

00:01:43

Oh my god, that was so sexy to me. I was

00:01:48

like, "Holy [ __ ] do that again,

00:01:51

Elizabeth." She's like, "What are you

00:01:52

talking about?" Oh, man. I was in love

00:01:55

with her from from that day on. I

00:01:58

followed her everywhere. Please put your

00:02:00

hair behind your ears for me just for

00:02:03

today. Leavell, I'm sick of doing this

00:02:06

with you.

00:02:08

And and this little little girl that

00:02:10

from my neighborhood, her name was

00:02:12

Shakisha. She couldn't stand me cuz

00:02:14

she'd had a crush on me, but she was mad

00:02:16

cuz I liked Elizabeth. She went to the

00:02:18

daycare, too. Why you like that little

00:02:19

ugly white girl? I said, first of all,

00:02:21

watch your damn mouth

00:02:24

around my white woman. All right. You're

00:02:27

being highly disrespectful.

00:02:30

Second of all, you can you put your hair

00:02:33

behind your ear, huh? She said, "Yeah, I

00:02:36

can." She tried. It popped out. And she

00:02:38

tried again. It popped out. I ain't got

00:02:41

no more [ __ ] time for you. All right.

00:02:43

She said, "Let me get some hair oil.

00:02:45

[ __ ] that. I ain't got no time. If you

00:02:47

can't do it on your own, you don't need

00:02:49

to do it at all."

00:02:54

So, one, you know, one day we was at day

00:02:57

camp and we were supposed to go to uh

00:02:59

uh, you know, go do something with the

00:03:01

counselor and she couldn't find out

00:03:03

nothing to do, but she wanted to see her

00:03:05

boyfriend. I heard her on the phone

00:03:07

talking to him. I'mma come over, Robert.

00:03:09

I'mma see if I can get away. I'mma bring

00:03:11

the kids over and let them go swimming.

00:03:13

I heard her say and I was like, "Fuck

00:03:14

it. I'll go swimming. If you gonna take

00:03:16

us swimming, you know, kids love to

00:03:18

swim. You know, I I couldn't swim. I'm

00:03:20

black. We don't swim." This is black

00:03:23

swimming. We work to three feet. We

00:03:25

walking on the water like, "Well, look

00:03:27

at me. I'm swimming play."

00:03:30

We' go over and put our foot on the Oh

00:03:32

[ __ ] I almost got in there.

00:03:36

But we we don't we don't swim. But I

00:03:38

wanted to go. She said, "Hey guys, I'm

00:03:40

going to take you over to my apartment

00:03:41

complex, but you can't tell anybody

00:03:43

where we're going." Cuz she wasn't

00:03:44

supposed to take us away from, you know,

00:03:46

the daycare center. She didn't even

00:03:48

watch. She watched us for five minutes.

00:03:49

We was unsupervised. And it was cool cuz

00:03:51

I was trying to get up on Beth anyway.

00:03:53

So, you know, we jump in the water. I

00:03:56

had on my little Aquaman uh swim show. I

00:03:58

said, "I'm ready to get out there and

00:04:00

follow Beth around the pool." She was

00:04:02

cool as long as we was in, you know,

00:04:04

three feet. But Beth was trying to get

00:04:06

away from me. Apparently, she wasn't as

00:04:09

into me as I thought she was. But I was

00:04:12

like, "What's wrong, Beth? Come on,

00:04:14

baby. Slow down. Put your hair behind

00:04:16

your ear and let's talk, you know, and

00:04:20

she kept going, "Leave me alone." And

00:04:22

she just started floating. And I'm

00:04:23

following her. And I noticed that I

00:04:26

wasn't paying attention. I'm still

00:04:28

walking under the water, but the water

00:04:31

over my damn nose. But I kept walking

00:04:34

with her. Next thing you know, she took

00:04:36

off like a feather, just floating across

00:04:39

the water cuz she white. They know how

00:04:42

to swim. She swam real well like a damn

00:04:44

mermaid. And I went under the damn

00:04:48

water. I didn't know what I'm

00:04:49

underwater. Bloop. I'm sitting around

00:04:51

like

00:04:54

[Applause]

00:04:58

Man, this it's is weird because I can't

00:05:01

breathe now and I'm under that this is

00:05:04

[ __ ] I'm and I didn't know what to

00:05:07

do. I was trying to get up but I

00:05:10

couldn't get up. I couldn't get up. Next

00:05:12

thing you know, I disappeared in my

00:05:15

mind. I was gone. And when I woke up,

00:05:17

I'm laying on the side of the pool. The

00:05:20

camp counselor, she freaking out like,

00:05:22

"Oh [ __ ] I'mma lose my [ __ ] job.

00:05:25

[ __ ] me. Hell with me." The paramedics

00:05:28

trying to give me mouth to mouth, which

00:05:30

that woke me up cuz you ain't going to

00:05:32

put your lips on me. I don't know you. I

00:05:35

came through and I threw up. I had died.

00:05:37

They said I was unconscious for 10

00:05:40

minutes. I was dead. I died. And I'm

00:05:43

sitting there like, damn, I I died. And

00:05:47

Beth, where's Beth? Beth's stinking ass

00:05:50

had went home with her parents. They had

00:05:53

sent everybody home and she left me that

00:05:55

dirty [ __ ]

00:05:58

And after that, I didn't like white

00:06:01

girls never again.

00:06:05

That's my story.

Description:

Lavell Crawford developed his first (and last) crush on a white girl at summer camp and almost drowned because of it. Original airdate: October 20, 2016 Paramount+ is here! Stream all your favorite shows now on Paramount+. Try it FREE at https://www.paramountplus.com/intl/?ftag=PPM-05-10adj7f About This Is Not Happening: This Is Not Happening features long-form storytelling from stand-up comedians, musicians and more. These outrageous stories show why real-life experiences always make the best material. Subscribe to Comedy Central Stand-Up: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtw7q4SyOeoCwM1i_3x8lDg?sub_confirmation=1 Watch more Comedy Central Stand-Up: https://www.youtube.com/standup Follow Comedy Central Stand-Up: Twitter: https://twitter.com/standup Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Instagram: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Watch full Comedy Central stand-up specials: https://www.cc.com/shows/stand-up Comedy Central Stand-Up: Anti-Bias Statement: https://www.cc.com/info/k32ti7/ccsu-anti-bias-statement

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